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“Thanks.” He pulled her in for a hug. “You okay?”
“Me? Fantastic! Can you believe this crowd?”
“It’s insane. Are you sure you’re—”
She noisily planted her lips on his cheek in a cartoon kiss. “Couldn’t be better, rock star. Be back soon!”
Nick almost flinched as she fled into the crowd. Hayley was too loud tonight, too manic. He wondered when she’d stop moving. He wondered if she could.
He had worn that same wide smile over dull eyes; he’d seen it in the mirror on his worst nights at this bar. He’d convinced himself that the solution was to dazzle and distract, to charm as many people as possible so they’d never know how worthless he felt. He never stopped moving on those nights because he’d been afraid of what would happen when he did.
Now he was afraid for Hayley.
22
Hayley spun in a neat pirouette before swooping up a tray of drinks from the bar, and applause nearly drowned out the ringing in her ears. The clapping seemed to grow louder as the light in the room grew brighter, harsher—she locked her grin in place so she wouldn’t wince.
“Thank you, thank you all,” she called out. “I’ll be here all night.”
Nick had seemed happy to see her. Maybe they could get a milkshake at the diner after her shift. Just sitting with him would be enough.
Hayley Michelle. You know he’s just being nice to you because these are his people. He made you feel good, so you never considered what you were doing to him. Hope it was worth it, because now he wants nothing to do with you.
It was happening again. Her heart was in high gear, panic tingled through her like malicious white noise, and certainty seeped in at a steady, terrifying pace until she was convinced that the very worst had happened and would always happen. She hadoverstepped, or she hadn’t done enough, or she’d wanted too much—she was always wanting too much because there was something unforgivably wrong with her.
“Hello, friends!” She swept up to a table and started handing out glasses. “How’re we doing tonight?”
“Great, now that you’re here!” This from some guy who was drunk off his ass. “I love you, Hayley.”
“I know you do, baby.”
Sure, guys love you when they’ve got alcohol in them. Why do you think Kevin stays out drinking?
Suddenly she couldn’t move. All these people laughing and flirting, and some guy on stage ruining a Radiohead song—they all had momentum, and she had stopped. She was marooned in the midst of people who didn’t care, anchored to this spot by the violent, relentless pulsing in her temples.
What are you doing, girl? You couldn’t handle your dream job, you couldn’t satisfy the man you love, and you couldn’t keep the one friend you made in this town. You got all you wanted, and it still wasn’t enough for you. How many failures will it take before you stop making a mess?
When will you stop chasing what you don’t deserve?
“Hey there,” Nick said.
His face came into focus, and she started breathing again.
“I was wondering,” he said cheerfully, “if I could get another hug.”
He slipped his arm around her, and Hayley closed her eyes. For an instant, the rest of the world went away.
“Do you need to get out of here?”
She tensed at the murmur in her ear.
“I’ve got you,” Nick said. “Do you need to leave?”
Sobs welled up in her; she couldn’t tell if she was ashamed or relieved.
“I can’t,” she whispered.
“I’ll help you.”
