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Gerarda lifted her chin, taking her time to trail her gaze over Riven. “Because I’m a soldier and it’s something only soldiers can understand.”
CHAPTERFIFTEEN
THE SUNS HAD ALREADY SETand my body protested with every step that carried me farther from my burl. I wanted to sleep, but I also wanted to see Maerhal. I’d come to enjoy our nightly chats. And the slow release of my healing gift made the new depths of my power easier to manage.
Maerhal seemed to enjoy them too.
I stepped down each of the spiral steps in slow, painful movements. My legs ached from training and now every bend felt like a challenge of its own. Eventually, I made it into the empty hall and limped across in the dim light of a small faelight that trailed behind me.
A horrible rasp echoed from the far side of the hall. I turned and saw someone slumped over a chair, retching onto the ground.
I ran as quickly as I could manage and found Collin falling out of his seat. I wrapped his arm around my shoulder. His skin was cold and sweaty and he was barely able to utter a word.
“I’ll take you to Rheih,” I muttered as I half dragged him down the hall to the infirmary.
His faelight joined mine and they lit our path down the winding tunnel. Maerhal covered her face, wincing from the light as I stepped through the door, but as soon as she saw Collin she ran out of the room. “I’ll get her,” she yelled in quick Elvish.
I laid Collin onto one of the open beds. There was a canister of water on the table. I grabbed a clean cup and filled it halfway.
Collin coughed after it touched his lips. I held him steady through the fit and then we tried again. “Thank you,” he rasped after a small sip. His eyes widened as he looked at me, like he hadn’t realized who had found him.
I stared at his sunken face. It had thinned to the point that his round cheeks had turned sharp and the skin under his eyes hung low and dark. The hair along the sides of his face was patchy and lifeless.
“Rheih told me your illness has not improved.”
Collin moved his shoulder in an attempt to shrug. “I’ve always been prone to sickness.” He laid back down on the bed but didn’t meet my eyes.
I just held the cup of water not knowing what to say or not to say.
“I misjudged you.” It was barely audible, but I could tell from the hard set of Collin’s jaw that he had said the words.
I swallowed. “You judged me fairly. I would never expect anything else.”
“I told the Dagger what you did to them.” I froze. I didn’t need to ask who Collin meant to know he was talking about his family. The family I had killed on orders from the king. “Do you want to know what she said?”
My fingers gripped the cup so tightly I thought I would dent the wood.
“She told me she would not have taken the risk.” Collin’s voice shook as he spoke. “That she would have come to Cereliath but only to make sure the Shades had carried out the deaths exactly as they were ordered to.”
I bowed my head. “Gerarda has seen many of her trainees be punished at the hands of the king. She just wanted them to survive.” My eyes stung knowing that her determination to do just that is what kept her focused and that soon it would all crumble.
Collin huffed and stayed silent for a long moment.
Where is that damned Mage?I thought to myself, glancing at the door. It felt wrong to leave Collin alone in his sickly state.
“She also said that you replenished your stores of sleeping draught more than any of the Shades. More than some units combined.” Collin’s honey-colored eyes were sharp and cutting as he looked at me. “She suspects that was not the first time you used it to give someone grace at the very end.”
A tear rolled down my cheek as countless faces flashed across my mind, their names warming my skin underneath my tunic. “No, it wasn’t,” I whispered. “And it wasn’t the last.”
Collin watched the tear pool along my jaw and fall onto the bed. I straightened under the intensity of his gaze but did not look away.
“What you had to do was not fair.” Collin took a deep breath and I held mine waiting for the final blow. “But thank you for giving them as much comfort as you could. And all the others.”
I blinked in disbelief. My shoulders slumped and I let out a hard breath. “It was not enough.”
Collin pulled himself farther up on the pillow. “Is that what keeps you up at all hours of the night, walking around the meadow?”
I shrugged. “In part—” I stopped, turning my body to fully face Collin. “You can only know I spend my nights there if you are also lurking in the wood.”
