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“I’m not trying to ruin it. Isabella said she wouldn’t ask me for anything, I could be as involved as I wanted.” There. That was a good answer.
“That’s suchbullshit!” Mia raised her voice. “So what? She’ll be a full-time mom while you get to play the daddy card only when the mood strikes? ‘I wanna act irresponsibly, live my life as if nothing has changed; I’ll drink and sleep around, and my kid? He can fend for himself, he has a woman tending to his every need anyway. I’ll show up to remind him I’m his father when it’s convenient for me,’” she mocked, badly imitating my voice. “I always thought of you as being wild and free, and I like that about you, but I’ve never imagined you could be such a selfish jerk,” she uttered, full of sadness and disappointment.
“Look, after everything, she probably doesn’t want me around, and she’s more than qualified. She can handle the single mom thing.”
“That’s beside the point, and you know it! Yes, she could be a single mother, like many other women can and are, but she doesn’t have to. It’s extremely selfish and sexist that you let her deal with everything on her own.”
“I’m not being sexist, but it’s so hard for me—"
“And you don’t think it is for her?” she interrupted me, her voice dripping with indignation. “This pregnancy was just as much of a shock to you as it was to her, but the difference is that she won’t bail onyourkid.” She pointed a finger at me. “Despite her fears and insecurities, she’s stepping up and being the badass woman she is, while you’re hiding here, feeling entitled to not be a father because you were born with a penis and there’s already a woman dealing with your shit. If you think this kid might change your life, you have no idea the impact he’ll have onhers,” she exclaimed, barely stopping to breathe.
As she regained her composure, Danny chimed in. “Why are you boycotting this? You can deny all you want, but you care about this baby, and you have feelings for Isabella. We all saw the change in you since you met her.”
“Come on, guys, maybe we should leave. He can deal with this,” Zach stated soothingly, draping his hand on Mia’s shoulder, always trying to placate things.
“No, Zee. Enough is enough! We agreed not to interfere as long as he knew what he was doing, but he doesn’t. He’s screwing this up,” Mia stressed.
“Wait a second. You ‘agreed?’Are you talking about me behind my back?” I questioned, acting betrayed.
“No,” Mia replied in annoyance, not one bit affected by my indignation. “Wecaredabout you behind your back. And to your front. That’s why we’re all here.” She raised her arms, indicating her and the guys.
Haley nodded, confirming Mia’s words. After everything she went through (most of all I still didn’t know) and how Mia stepped up for her and Gabe, Hay always took Mia’s side. She had reason to side with her that time, though.
Danny turned disturbingly quiet, and shame filled me. Doing the complete opposite of me, when he learned Andrea, the Devil, was pregnant, he stepped out of the navy and married the evil witch. Sofia was his whole world, and the only reason he was still putting up with his wife. He was the father I could never be.
Feeling exhaustion take over, my resolve to play aloof crumbled. I felt lost, but I knew no matter my mistakes, or how much of a coward I was, that little group of people, my chosen family, would help me out of it.
That’s why I admitted, “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to not screw this up. It feels different this time.” I took a deep, shaky breath. “I’m scared.”
“Of course you are,” Danny said. “Now you care. She matters to you, and not only because of the baby.”
“I can’t screw this up. If I’m anywhere near Isabella or the baby, I will. I’m...I’m a danger to them, I can’t let them pay for my flaws,” I admitted with shame, running my hand over my face.
Surprisingly enough, that left Mia speechless. If I wasn’t so torn about my shameful existence, I’d have goaded over that small victory.
Danny was the first one to recover.“You can’t believe that’s true, man. I fought by your side. You saved more lives than I could count, mine included, and you’re still doing so. I can’t imagine that’s something a dangerous person could do.”
I appreciated his statement. After years of fighting for this country alongside each other, we were way more than co-workers. We didn’t grow up together, as Mia, Zach, and I did. But you don’t face death that many times without getting close to the men having your back. And Danny had mine.
Zach was silent, watching me carefully, as if he understood where I was coming from. Because he did. Since we were kids, we were witnesses of what I was made of. He wanted to say something, but knowing him, he’d think about it first, ponder his every word, then he’d lay his truth on my lap serenely. When we were alone.
Mia wasn’t so patient, though, and went right for the root of it all.
“You aren’t Michael.” Her voice was softer than I ever remember. Her quiet words impacted me, even though I wasn’t ready to face that route.
“That’s not what this is about,” I argued weakly.
“You arenotyour father,” she stressed. If it were any other person, I might have been annoyed. But I knew her. Even though she was blunt and wouldn’t let go sometimes (maybe especially because of it), she’d do anything to help someone she loved. By some miracle I most definitely didn’t deserve, she loved me.
We were neverin loveby any means, but her love and protection saved me in a way few people would ever be lucky enough to experience. She saved my life, figuratively. And literally.
I didn’t have time to come up with a response. “You could never be like him, and it pains me that you don’t see that.”
“I could never live with myself if there was the smallest chance that I’d be like him in any way. I know what it’s like to have that kind of man as a father, and I saw how he was as a husband as well.” My voice shook, betraying the nonchalant demeanor I was portraying. “I’d rather lose them than subject Isabella and my baby to that kind of nightmare.”
I was breathing hard, drained by my confession. Ashamed of my past. Somehow lighter for having admitted what the core of my issue was. But that confession only made me sadder.
Danny looked contrite, Zach was despondent and struggling not to say something that could make things worse, and sweet, sweet Haley was sniffing. She was all too familiar with domestic violence; I could only hope talking about my past didn’t trigger her.
