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“Have you told her that you love her?”
“What?”
“Mia. Have you told her that you love her?”
He moved us so we were facing each other. “I told you it was never like that—”
“I know,” I interrupted. “I can see that now. You’re notin lovewith her, but I know you love her. I know you love all those people downstairs, and you should, because they’re rare and special. I’m asking because we’re bringing a new life into this world. We were both handed the smallest stick when it came to parents. I know our backgrounds are different and you had it way worse than me—”
“It’s not a competition, don’t downsize your pain.”
I shook my head. “That’s not the point. What I mean is that you had a devil of a father, and I have an awful mother. I wanna do it differently for our Little Bean, and we have the chance to do so. I want him to never doubt he’s loved. I want us to say we’re sorry when we make a mistake, I want him to know he can count on us, and I want us to say to him that we love him. We’re carrying so much baggage, and I don’t want us to dump it on him. I need us to be more vocal about how we feel, so he never, ever lives in fear.”
I took a deep breath, trying to organize my thoughts.
“That’s why I asked if you ever said you loved them. Because it’s clear they’re your family, I yearn for them to accept me as a part of it as well, and I deeply hope our baby will be embraced and loved as you are. As Gabe and Haley are. So have you told them all that you love them?”
Maybe I was acting like a lunatic, but our boy deserved to have the life and love we weren’t blessed with from the beginning. We were both given a second chance in our lives, and I wanted to get the best of it.
He thought about what I said, then looked down and scoffed, with shame framing his eyes, “I’ve never even thanked them.” He laid his head back and rubbed his hand over his face. “How messed up is that? After everything they did to me, I’ve never even said I’m grateful.”
“I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. I’m sure they’re not expecting you to say those words. They didn’t make anything because they needed to be acknowledged. It was unconditional, no questions asked, no thanks needed. I’m just suggesting we try and make things different for us. For our Little Bean.”
He nodded slowly, seemingly lost in thought.
“I used to think I’d never learned what it was like to love someone and be loved. I believed I couldn’t be in a committed relationship, let alone be a father, because how could I? I didn’t know what that entailed. I was so wrong.” He looked at me with clear eyes, also a little shocked at whatever revelation he was having. “My mother loved me how she could. After her, I experienced what true love is. I grew up learning from Jackson how to respect the woman he loves. I learned from him and Rosie how to love and protect your kids, myself included. I learned from Zach and Mia how to be loyal and do whatever it takes to fight for the ones you care about.” He shook his head in awe. “I spent the better part of my life believing I was a product of Michael’s rage and that I was bound to fail and prone to violence. But I’m way more Jackson’s son than I’ve ever been Michael’s.”
He looked around the room, at the memories he created with his family. “I’m still not good at it, but I learned how to love. I’ve seen it, I’m living it. I promise you I’ll do better. I’ll make myself worthy of being your man and our baby’s father. We’re not getting married yet, but this is my vow: I’ll love you and respect you and care for you. I’ll love and respect and protect our little boy. I’ll take a chance on myself and work hard so I can be the man you deserve.”
With tears streaming freely down my face, I straddled his lap and placed my arms around his neck, hugging him tightly. He hugged me back, placing his head on the crook of my neck, and we stayed silent. It wasn’t just comfortable. It was comforting. Recharging. I felt we could tackle the world or just lay there and enjoy ourselves. As long as we were together, I wouldn’t worry.
After a while, we loosened our embrace. There was so much love and vulnerability in his eyes, even as he gave me his crooked smile. His face got closer as he held my face with one of his hands. He gave me the sweetest kiss of all, full of promises and love. His tongue danced languidly with mine, and even though I could feel him stiffing under me and knew he could feel me getting wet, he never made a move to take things further.
He finished giving me a peck on my lips and rested his forehead against mine. “If we’re aiming to be better and more vocal about our feelings, it’s fair to start with ourselves.” He looked up. “I love you, Isabella.” My heart was beating so loud, I was sure he could listen. “I love you, and I’m grateful for everything you brought me, for the family we’re building. I already love our boy, and I can’t wait to meet him and protect him.”
I smiled brightly, not caring about my happy tears. “I love you, Benjamin. I trust you with my life, with our baby’s life. I have no doubts you’re exactly what we need and what we crave.”
A few moments later, we stood up and went downstairs holding hands. Before making our presence known, we stood in the living room, close to the door that led outside.
Haley and Rosie were talking animatedly in the kitchen as Jackson made some coffee. He walked around the kitchen, picking up snacks and appliances, and as he passed them, he kissed Rosie on the head and squeezed Haley’s shoulders.
The rest of them were still on the wraparound porch. Zach was on the sofa, making origami, and Mia was sitting next to him, her shoeless feet on the edge of the sofa, resting her head on her brother’s shoulder. Her eyes were closed, but I could see she was awake, because she was drumming her fingers on her bent-up knees to whatever melody was playing inside her head.
Hugo was cuddled next to her, still napping, and Gabe was lying on the sofa, with his head on Zach’s leg, his little legs crossed so he could lean his tablet on them as he watched some cartoons. Zach ran his fingers through Gabe’s hair, and the kid nestled even closer to hisZachy.
My heart was full and warm as I was bombarded with so much love coming from everywhere. Especially from behind me, as Ben hugged me, splaying my back on his chest and rounding his arms over our baby. He leaned his chin on my shoulders and whispered in my ears, “Welcome to the family.”
After we left, we went straight to Ben’s home. I was feeling energetic, and the tension between us was all-consuming. It’d been too long since we got intimate, and I was craving him. His strength. His warmth. Him.
We drove in silence. I wanted to tell him or show him I needed him, but I was feeling insecure. Noticing my uncertainty, he placed a calming hand on my knee, rubbing it with his thumb. All it did was increase my desire. When we parked in front of his house, he shifted his body to stare at me.
“We don’t have to do anything. What transpired earlier today was enough for me.”
“Don’t you wanna...?”
“More than anything. But only if you’re comfortable with it. We have the rest of our lives for it, there’s no need to rush anything.”
“I want to. I’m just nervous.” I felt my cheeks burn at my admission. Instead of calling me on it, he leaned closer and placed the sweetest kiss on the corner of my lips.
