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I was really excited to spend Thanksgiving with an avoiding boyfriend and lots of insecurities. Not.
Those kinds of happy thoughts polluted my mind, while the sensible side of me argued that our feelings were real and he was just dealing with a lot of problematic stuff.
I was going back and forth with that when my mom joined me in the kitchen. It was one of my days off, and I was baking cookies again. All I wanted was to spend my day off with Danny and Fee, but I needed that moment to organize my thoughts. So, eating my feelings was the reasonable choice.
“Even though I love your cookies, I don’t think you’re baking them for a girls’ night in with April, or just for fun. What’s bothering you?” I shrugged, not ready to voice my insecurities. “Is it related in any way to a certain handsome man with a cute baby girl?”
I opened my mouth a couple of times before admitting in a broken whisper, “I think he wants to break up with me.”
As I breathed through the constriction in my throat, I let my mom embrace me, absorbing the comfort only mothers’ hugs offered. Well, good mothers; not Andrea-like mothers.
“Oh, dear. Why do you think that?”
I told her some of my fears and the change in his behavior—leaving out the part where our sex life was still happening and leaving me addicted.
She remained in silence as she took the first batch of cookies out of the oven before slipping in the next one.
“When your father had a heart attack, I was a mess. I cried almost every night, and I’ve never felt so lonely. It was like I’d failed him. Like I’d failed my family.” Her eyes turned red and brimmed with tears. “I kept badgering myself that I should’ve seen the signs, I should’ve been with him when it happened. And then came thewhat-ifs. Oh dear, they were the worst. What if we had lost him? What if he never recovered? What if we couldn’t deal with it? What if it happened again?”
Cleaning the tears running down her face, while trying to keep mine at bay, I asked her quietly, “Why did you never tell me that? Why did you go through with it alone?”
“Because I needed to be strong. And I was ashamed to admit my weakness.” She shook her head. “Actually, I was afraid to admit it, because that would make you all realize I was the one to blame.”
“Mom, that’s insane! What happened to Dad wasn’t anyone’s fault.”
“I know that, honey. In a rational capacity, I understand that now. But that’s how I felt. That somehow, I should’ve prevented it.” She touched my face to catch my attention. “And I believe that’s how Danny is feeling right now.”
“What do you mean?” I whispered, almost too afraid to know the answer.
“When you love someone, you also acquire new fears. You’re always wondering if they’re safe, healthy, happy. You want to protect them at any cost. And that man is a protector. A protector who loves. A protector who hadto face the reality that his daughter, his mother, and the woman he fell for were all attacked in his own home. He couldn’t protect the people he loves.”
“It wasn’t his fault!” I stressed.
“I know it wasn’t. But I bet he doesn’t agree with that statement.” She stared longingly at the TV room, where my dad normally was. “After almost losing someone you love, it takes some time to come to terms with it, and to stop feeling unworthy of them. Guilt is a very difficult feeling to shake off. Just like fear.”
I pondered her words and voiced another one of my feelings. “Do you think he blamed me for what happened?”
“You asking me that only proves my point. When we love someone, we think it’s our exclusive responsibility to protect them. But we can’t do it all the time, and we can’t do it against everything.” She took my hands in hers. “I couldn’t protect your father from having a heart attack, just like you couldn’t protect Sofia from dangerous people who were intent on taking her away. Are you saying that Sonia failed that day? Are you saying that Danny failed? Are you saying thatIfailed, not only in protecting your father, but in protecting you?”
“How would you have failed?” I asked, surprised.
“Because it’s my job to keep you safe, and you were hurt that day.”
“You couldn’t keep that from happening to me.”
She grabbed my hands. “Neither could you. The fact you were there doesn’t automatically determine you’re the one to blame. From what I heard, they couldn’t even catch the man who took Fee, am I right? If they, as trained as they are, couldn’t keep it from happening and were unable to get him, why do you think you should?”
I couldn’t argue with that. “Wait. How do you know all that? How do you know they didn’t get the man?”
She smiled at me conceitedly. “You should know by now. This towntalks. That’s how I knew you were getting kissy with Danny way before you told me what was going on.”
I stared at her in faux indignation. “I thought it was your mom-super-power that gets you to know all our deepest secrets?”
She leaned her head. “It had some of that. But we don’t need much power when we have several lookers and elders willing to talk.”
I giggled at her right statement, then paused. “You said something about his feelings...do you really think he’s falling for me?”
“If you haven’t noticed the way he looks at you, then you’re more oblivious than Drew when he’s playing that damn video game.” I chuckled at her comparison. I loved my brother, but every time he played the thing, it was like the world didn’t exist anymore. “He’s a former Navy SEAL, over thirty-six years old, with a little girl depending on him, with such an important job, yet he keeps finding ways for you two to be together. And don’t think I haven’t seen that adorable picture of you and Fee in your bedroom.”
