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Prologue
Antoinette
June 22, 2004
Even in my current state, I am well aware that the party inthe Golden Laurel Penthouse Suite is getting out of hand.
Human bodies in various states of undress fill my wavering vision. Limbs, draped on and over the opulent furniture, slither. The clink of glass rings in my ears like wind chimes in the airless room. And over the tinkling wind chimes, the music is loud. Too loud. When the beat drops, my heart dips too, a surprised stop-start that steals the blood from my muscles, leaving me stock-still, frozen in the center of the black-leather lounge.
I feel as if my sudden paralysis is not permanent. But I am still afraid, unable to move, a statue in place as the party rages around me.
A couple directly in front of me snorts a line off of gold-plated trays. A man dressed in a tailored suit stands off to my right. His expensive clothing is disheveled. A bright red lipstick stain rides the side of his drink-slanted mouth. And, while he is completely unaware of the breeze, the scrunched tail of his white dress shirt is edging out of his open fly.
There are people.So manypeople. Everywhere. They bump and tussle me, and still, I cannot find my feet.
The music echoes in my head, each beat and pulse magnified until I can no longer hear myself think. The longer I listen, the more warbled the lyrics become and, desperate to escape, I close my eyes. But the moment I do, the lyrics and the beat merge, and my nonna’s raspy voice slices clearly through both. “Cosa stai facendo, Toni?”What are you doing, Toni?
When I dare to look, she is there, hands on her wide hips, her favorite red and orange dress electric against her dark, gnarled skin. “Nonna?”
She doesn’t reply. She stands and watches me. Behind her, a room of people commit sins that nobody taught Nonna about in Sunday School.
I try to calm my racing heart by forcing deep in-out breaths through my lungs. “Just breathe.”In. Out.“Just breathe,” I mantra.
Shame flushes my face with sweat.
The attempt to calm myself does not work.
I wave my arm in front of my face, trying to send Nonna back to my unconscious mind.
“Toni!”
Toni?
I’m Toni.
“Toni!”
I catch the afterimage of my nonna, her sad face the last bit of her I see before she disappears and the world comes rushing back to me.
Glass bottles chink.
The music blares.
Laughter and chatter buzz.
“Toni-Baby, what are you doing over here by yourself?” Lizzie ropes one thin arm over my shoulders and pulls me close, her lips at my ear. “Jesus, the fuck areyou doin’, standing there in the middle of the room like that? People are gonna think you’ve lost it.”
“I-I don’t know,” I reply. “My nonna…” I turn and point to where my grandmother had been standing just moments before.
Lizzie turns to look. “Oh, girl. It’s just the mushrooms kicking in.” She places a cool palm on my right cheek. “You need to sit down a moment?”
I swallow but don’t move.
Lizzie laughs and, taking my hand in hers, pulls me towards a set of doors that I hadn’t noticed before now. They’re double-breasted like the others, but slightly recessed and of a darker wood that doesn’t quite fit with the custom paneling in the rest of the room. Lizzie tugs me into the room and closes the door, shrouding us in darkness.
“Strange,” I whisper, my ears still echoing. “Quiet.”
“I think this is the master bedroom.” As she talks, her voice gets further away. “Help me find the light.”
