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Seeing that I’m not going to cave, he asks, “Can I just show you?”
“Yeah!” It’s actually a good idea.
“Laptop?”
“Yes!” I bounce off his lap and make my way to the laundry room where I dumped my bag yesterday. Fishing out my laptop, I carry it back to him. Placing it on the table, I sit down on his lap and then open it and unlock it.
I wait eagerly as Aiden makes sure the internet is connected and then types in the newer porn website into a private browser. He types a specific title into the search bar. When he clicks play, I watch in complete silence.
The video is short, only six minutes. It’s a homemade video of a wife giving her husband head until he comes. The husband is holding the video camera, so you never actually see him, just the woman on her knees, blowinghim. It’s the look on her face I find interesting; even on her knees she knows she has complete power over him.
Aiden is completely still beneath me. Try as I might, I can’t even feel him breathing.
As far as porn goes, it’s pretty vanilla. Not even close to what I was expecting. He’s not lying to me. I mean, the man typed the exact title into the browser.
“You’re a romantic,” I say finally, and even though the video is completely tame, I soften my tone because I know he’s embarrassed sharing this part of himself with me.
“That’swhat you get out of this?” He looks back at the screen where the video is paused in a blur of indistinguishable human skin. After a long silence, he adds, “It doesn’t seem romantic to me.”
I thought he was letting me lead because he was worried about pushing me too far too soon. But that’s not it, or notallof it. “You genuinely get turned on by watching your partner take control. This video barely has the man in it—the entire focus is on her. The camera is focused on her face; it captures the moment she knows he’s past breaking point.”
“I guess, but...”
“But you don’t necessarily want to be submissive.”
“It’s not really my thing. But it’s hot, seeing a woman who knows she hasthat.” He waves his hand at the laptop.
“Have you ever practiced BDSM?”
“No.” He says the word quickly, as if it burns leaving his lips. “Joy,” he blushes, “my ex, had a thing for handcuffs. But…it was too real for me. I don’t like being immobilized, and the idea of using them on her…I could never really get into it.”
Immobilized. Just as I’m thinking I have him figured out, he throws that word in the mix. It’s very specific.Immobilized. “It doesn’t have to involve restraints. Bondage is just one part of it.”
“I know.”
I think he does. But still, I find myself wanting to broaden his perspective a little bit. “We’ve been here before,” I tell him as I close the laptop. “You watched me earlier.”
I remember it clearly. Aiden, lying back on the bed, gripping his own hair to keep from touching me so I could take over.
“Okay.”
Hearing the dread in his voice, I turn on his lap, angling my face so that we’re looking into each other’s eyes. “It was exceptionally erotic for me.” I give him a quick kiss. “But what if we could make it more so for you?”
“Cat…” He lowers his gaze and shakes his head. “Last night wasperfect. I wouldn’t change a single thing.”
“Me either.” I think about how best to explain why I need this. It’s not purely selfish. As much as I’ve promised to ruin him for other women, I want togivethis to him more. This man carries so much responsibility all the time, and, although he’s closed off to the idea of being submissive in the commercially accepted sense, I think we could still play out a version that he’d enjoy.
“Do you remember last night, when I told you to leave your hands on the bed?”
“Yes.”
“Dominance and submission are like anything. There’s a broad spectrum of behaviors ranging from mild to extreme. It might not have registered that way with you last night, me commanding you to leave your handson the bed and you obeying even though you wanted to touch me…”
“Would be mild,” he finishes for me, following my train of thought.
“Exactly. I think there’s a point where you know you’re uncomfortable.” Reaching up, I run my hand through his hair, trying to ease the tension I feel in his arms, which are locked around me. “With you, I wouldn’t be dominant enough to, say, hog tie you and flog you while making you call me Ma’am.” I’m trying to tease, but when Aiden pales, I hurry on with, “But there’s a sliding scale that includes a bunch we can do that would be pleasurable for you before we got to that point.”
“Okay.” His agreement is completely selfless. I feel that I know this man, and I can see that he’s uncomfortable. He’s agreeing because he wants to please me.
