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It's not even half of the truth, but despite Toni’s attempt to keep an emotional distance from all of us, I do know her after four years under the same roof. And even though I want to, I find that I’m not yet ready to face the consequences of my actions just yet.
On the sofa, Jules looks over at me too.
“I don’t know what to do,” I admit, talking to them both now.
Toni leans back in her chair, her eyes never leaving my face. “Do you love him?”
“I don’t know.” I think about Aiden and how gentle and sweet he’s been with me, how giving. His behavior towards me is so different to what I’m accustomed to. “It’s so simple for him. He just feels things and….That’s it. He’s made up his mind. When I’m with him, there’s nowhere else I’d rather be. And when I’m not with him…”
“You wish you were,” she finishes for me.
“He’s sogood.” I remember the pain in his eyes when I asked him if he’d wait for me if I still kept fucking other men. “He has the best heart, Toni. I wish you knew him.”
“I expect I will,” she pushes to a stand, taking the papers with her. “If you eventually forgive me.”
When she does not meet my eyes, I know. But a stupid, “What?” escapes me anyway.
“Catheri-”
“No.” I shake my head as if the gesture will rewind time back onto its spool, maybe just to the point where she saw through the lie.
There are two parts of me just then, splitting me into equal halves. One is incredulous, stunned that this is happening. The other…The other is wondering why she took so long to pull the trigger. I can deny it to her face all I want, but the truth she knows, the truth I can’t speak aloud, is that Idolove Aiden. And the idea of anybody else touching my body intimately has grown repulsive. I have lost my ability to separate sex from emotion.
I am useless to her.
“You can’t do this to me.” Tears fill my eyes, and frustrated with my weakness, I swipe at them with my hands.
But they keep coming.
Toni stands and comes to me. For a moment she just looks at me as I fight for control. But when a heavy sob rises in my throat, she reaches for me and folds me into a hug. The embrace is crushing, as if she knows it’s the last chance she’ll have. “It’s time, Kitty Cat.”
“Ic-can’t.” Panic claws through my chest and up into my throat as if it can escape my body.
“You can. Youwill.”
“Please-”
“Shh. Just calm down.”
“What the fuck is going on now?”
We both turn to face Lyla. She’s standing in a sports bra and leggings. She’s holding theNutribullettop, drinking the bright purple goop straight from the bullet, her fingernails, painted black, are dark in contrast.
“Catherine is leaving the agency,” Toni says.
Lyla looks at me in surprise. “Congratulations. I didn’t think you had the balls.”
Her insult lands exactly where she intended, one sharp barb to my fragile heart.
“Lyla.” Juliette turns off the TV and pushes to her feet, soft chastisement in her tone.
“Toni…” I shake my head, words failing me. Where am I going to go? How will I survive without the girls?
Through the grief, the sharp edge of my anger rages.
Betrayal like I have never felt before consumes me.
“If she’s not brave enou-”
