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“Have you spoken to him about your trauma?” She asked bluntly. It was not a therapist’s job to sugarcoat everything for you; I had learned that years ago.
“No.” I went back to the milk puzzle. How on earth could someone figure out how so many blank pieces fit together?
“Do you think it would help you?” She asked.
“Can’t you tell me that?” I asked.
“Sorry Taylor.” She said gently. “You know that’s not how this works.”
“Fine.” I moved to the chair in front of her desk and finally sat down. “I don’t want to tell him.”
“I understand that. I think it is perfectly fine, as long as your reason isn’t because you are ashamed of yourself. What happened wasn’t your fault.”
I’d heard that phrase over and over. I vividly remember one therapy session where I spent the hour holding back tears as she gently repeated the phrase. The only place I could feel vulnerable was here. Anywhere else was too painful. “I know Elaine.”
“Don’tI know Elaineme.” She smiled. “You’ve been working really hard. I want you to make sure you are continuing that work, to get better.”
“I don’t know why my idea is so wrong then.” I explained. “Forcing myself into a relationship would have been unhealthy.”
“I agree.” I waited for the “but”. “But,” there it was, “do you think this could be hurtful to this woman you’ve roped into this?”
“Lydia.”
“Do you think this is healthy for Lydia?”
“She seems open to the idea. She even kissed me yesterday.”
Mrs. Tupp sat up in her seat. “You didn’t mention that.”
I stood up again and walked to the shaded windows behind the desk. I could hear the wheels in her chair creek as she turned to face me.
“Are you alright? I know unexpected touches are bad for you.” She asked in her most neutral voice.
“It wasn’t bad.” I said after a moment.
“Was it good?”
“It wasn’t bad,” I repeated, refusing to turn around to face her.
“That is something,” she said slowly. “Did you have any panic attacks after?”
“A small one, a few hours later. But my meds are working, I don’t have them as often.” I didn’t like worrying Mrs. Tupp. Even though it was her job.
“Are you going to tell her, that Lydia?” She asked.
“No.” I said sharply. “No.” I said again, softer. I took a few deep breaths and continued. “We already discussed sex; we’re not having it. And we’ll only have to kiss a few times in public. I can handle that. This time, I wasn’t prepared. And as I said, it wasn’t bad. I was just surprised.”
“You should set boundaries with her.” Mrs. Tupp advised. “I’m not saying I approve of this suddenly. I still think you should try to work it out with your grandfather. But, if you are going to go through with this, I want you to set physical boundaries with her. For her sake and for yours. I want you to be in control of what happens to you. I want you to set boundaries that are respected. You deserve those things. I would say the same if this was a real relationship. Respect the boundaries she sets. If she doesn’t respect yours, you should end the relationship. Even if you say it’s just a business one. It isn’t worth your mental health.”
“I deserve it?” I asked, voice raw, still unable to face her.
“You do Taylor. You’ve always deserved respect.”
***
I was exhausted after that therapy session. It had been a while since I had felt so emotional at one. I usually tried to keep my emotions in check, even if Mrs. Tupp told me it was healthy to feel them. A lot of people don’t do what’s good for them. Why did I have to?
I had wanted to go to the gym after, but I was too tired. I knew I couldn’t. I would have to do it tomorrow. I had to look good for my wedding, after all. The wedding was exactly a week away. I hadn’t seen Lydia since the lunch and the kiss. I didn’t see it as a necessity. We shared everything we’d needed to know about each other. She also turned out to be better at faking than I had first thought. Her answers to my questions felt realistic and that kiss... Even though it was hard for me to go through with it, even in the moment I couldn’t deny that it was a smart move. I had found pictures of us together on twitter that night. I looked at tweet after tweet about it. I hadn’t realized my lack of a partner for so long was such a hot topic for some. It was working out in my favor; people were convincing each other. Thank god Lydia was late, she turned out to be the perfect woman to marry. At least for the year.
