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I knew people did that, said no to things that they’d normally want when they were in an argument. I never understood it, but I did it just now. It felt good, seeing the flare of irritation as his jaw hardened again. “You’re saying you’re good to ride six hours in the vehicle with me without water or coffee? Be reasonable, Billie.”
That had my back sitting up straight. “I am being reasonable. If you want something, you can stop and get it.” But also, six hours? I needed to search where Roussou, California was on Google maps.
He bit out a curse, and that knot twisted up inside me all over again. I knew that was me, irritating him, but dammit. I wanted him just to open up, tell me what was going on with him. Not with the situation at hand, but inside him. Where were all these thoughts in his head? What was he scared of?
How could he not see that he couldn’t be so open, making me fall in love with him, with how protective, how caring, how loving, how fierce, how giving he’d been to me and turn around and let a cement wall slam in place between us.
That was not love.
If it happened now, if I let it happen now, it would happen again, and again, and it would keep happening until that wall was so thick between us that I wouldn’t see the Brett I loved anymore.
A shudder went through me.
I couldn’t let that happen.
But we were just starting on this trip, and he was letting me come with him, so there was hope. I’d wait to start chipping away at that wall. Six hours in the car was a long time to remain stubborn.
When he’d stop to get food, because I knew he would, I’d get coffee then.
57
BRETT
The drive was brutal. Six hours of almost total silence from Billie. I almost broke a few times, but it was there. An impasse. We were both at it, but the thought of taking her to Roussou sickened me.
She couldn’t see that side of me.
She couldn’t meet Shannon. My sister couldn’t ever see Billie. Once that happened, Shannon would go in for the kill. And it’d be so easy. I gave her enough ammunition from all the bad shit I did when we were kids. Most of it was done for Budd, but it didn’t matter at the end of the day.
I did it.
When Billie found out, it’d be over for us. She’d never look at me the same, but leaving her at the hotel and forcing her to return home without me, I saw that it was going to rip us apart. My conscience was yelling at me to do just that. If this was what would make me lose her, then it was going to happen eventually. Especially when I knew what was going to happen to Shannon. She would be out for blood, and I was the one standing between her and her kids. It wasn’t really Will and Harmony. If Shannon got through me, the next line of defense was Channing Monroe. After him, it’d be his wife, Heather. The last line was Will and Harmony and neither would stand a chance against Shannon. She was that vindictive and poisonous.
“I thought you lived in Roussou?” Billie spoke for the first time since we stopped for gas a little after leaving San Diego. Even that, she’d only said that she was going inside to grab coffee and snacks.
I parked outside the hotel that was set up next to the Fallen Crest Country Club. It was relatively new and they also offered a lot of anonymity here. I didn’t think Shannon would dare come here when and if she found out that Billie was with me on this trip. “It is, but we’re staying the night here. Roussou’s just next door to Fallen Crest, and of the two towns, Fallen Crest is the better one to visit.”
I was going through my phone, making sure all my bases were covered before I reached for my wallet and anything else I’d need. I hadn’t noticed that Billie went still until I glanced toward her, reaching for the door. “Ready?” My voice trailed off.
A look of pure hurt, pure longing, pure agony all were mixed together and in her eyes.
Oh, shit.
She swallowed before her voice came out, raspy, “I wanted to see your hometown.”
The hurt won out, and I could feel how dejected I was making her feel. Anger flared through me, right after knowing that I was continuously disappointing her today.
I made myself look at her, long and hard, because this was what I might eventually only see on her face. It could take months, or years, or decades, but eventually, I’d stop playing football. Would I return to my roots then? Would I become the Brett that I used to be, and even though I would fight it, it might happen when I wouldn’t even realize it.
I’d just one day be me again.
I should end it now with her, give her a chance to find someone else. Someone who would always be good, who’d never make her feel disappointed.
No. I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. She was mine. I couldn’t let her go. She made me hope for good things. She made me start believing that I deserved something good in my life, because I got her and that said something.
“Let’s go.” I shoved open my door, climbing out.
Billie was slow to get out, but I waited by her door until she did. Taking her bag from her, the trek inside was slow as well, her head was folded down, her hands stuffed into the front of her Kings sweatshirt. The sight of her would be burned permanently in my mind because I did that to her, I made her feel like that. I just kept doing it, over and over again, and I didn’t know how to come out of this hole I’d dug.
