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I held up the paper bag in my hand from the stop I made on my way here.“I brought you sustenance.I figured you wouldn’t be up for cooking.”
She leaned against the doorjamb like she was too tired to hold herself up, but her eyes lit up a little.“You brought me food?”
I peeked into the bag.“Chicken soup, Gatorade, cold medicine, and some of your favorite snacks.”
When I looked back up at her, her lips were curled up at the corners and her eyes had lost some of her exhaustion.Instead, they were now filled with a softness that made me think she was grateful.
She stepped back and opened the door wider, and I took the unspoken invitation.A blanket was thrown across her couch, and an old romantic comedy from the nineties was playing on her TV with the volume turned low.
“I was trying to see if sleep would knock this cold out, but I can never sleep in the quiet when I’m sick.I always sleep better when I have something playing on the TV in the background, but it has to be something I’ve seen enough times that I won’t feel like I’m missing something if I fall asleep during it.It’s weird, I know,” she added, as if she was self-conscious of the information she just spewed, but I was fascinated.I loved learning new things about her, and this was definitely something I didn’t know.
“It’s not weird.Are you hungry?”
She shook her head, but then her stomach grumbled loud enough to wake a hibernating bear and she smiled sheepishly.“Okay, maybe I’m more hungry than I thought.”
I smiled at her.“Go sit down and get comfortable.I’ll put something together for you.”
“Okay,” she said softly, her gaze locked on mine.The way she looked at me was a mix between tender and something else.Whatever it was, it made my heart pound heavily in my chest.
She moved to the couch, and I watched her get comfortable under the blanket before I finally pulled my gaze away and moved toward her kitchen.It was mostly clean apart from some dirty dishes in the sink.I quickly got familiar with where she put everything, put most of the groceries away, and then made her a bowl of chicken noodle soup.
I didn’t find a serving tray of any kind so I made do with a sheet pan, setting the bowl of soup, some bread, and the Gatorade on it so I could bring everything out to her at one time.I also included a piece of her favorite dark chocolate.I doubted she was up for a lot of sweets while she didn’t feel good, but I figured it certainly couldn’t hurt.
When she saw the spread, her face lit up.“I can’t believe you went to all this trouble.”
“It’s no trouble at all.”If anything, I was more at ease being near her and taking care of her than I was in my office, especially once I heard she was sick.If I was still there, I would’ve been worried and likely not getting anything done.
No, being here for her was definitely not a burden in the slightest.It felt good to be here for her like this.To take care of her when she needed someone.To be that person for her.
My heart clenched again with an emotion that was becoming clearer by the minute, but I brushed it aside, placed a kiss on her head, and then moved to sit next to her.
A furrow puckered her brow.“What are you doing?”
“I’m sitting on your couch,” I said, like it was obvious because I thought it was.
“You’re staying?”She seemed surprised, and suddenly I was wondering how shitty her past boyfriends had been that she was shocked I’d stay and take care of her.
But then a different thought hit me.“Do you not want me to?”
“Aren’t you worried about getting sick?”
“Not really.If I do, I do.But I’d rather you weren’t alone right now.”
She stared at me like she didn’t know what to do with me.“Okay,” she whispered, watching me for a few more seconds before picking up her bowl of soup and turning back to the TV.
We sat in comfortable silence until she’d finished all her food.Then she lay down on the couch and I pulled her feet onto my lap, massaging them gently until she was lulled to sleep.I must’ve watched her sleep for at least an hour before she woke up, slowly, and then all at once.
As soon as her eyes landed on me, she smiled.And it was so beautiful I almost couldn’t stand it.
“You’re still here.”
“I’m still here.”If only she knew how much I was still here.
I’d give her anything I could, except the one thing I knew she deserved—a relationship out in the open—all because Jenna would never accept it.I couldn’t break my daughter’s heart, and I had no doubt that was exactly what would happen if she found out.She’d hate me, but worst of all, she’d hate Sadie.Then someday down the line—maybe not right away, but eventually—Sadie would come to resent me for what I stole from her, or I’d resent her, which was an equally devastating thought.I couldn’t risk it.
The hurt that was coming seemed like a much smarter idea than the hate that could come if I followed my heart.
So even though I’d spent the last hour staring at a woman I could easily see myself with for the rest of my life, I already knew it was a complete impossibility.We were doomed from the start.Because as much time as I’d spent thinking about a future with her, I’d yet to come up with a way to keep Sadie and not lose my daughter.
