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Jonathan takes a swig of orange juice. “It’ll only take one time and you’ll see. Healing sex can be hot as hell. Especially with Kennedy. She’s got big sub energy. I don’t know your deal in bed, and I don’t really need to, but if you can’t have fun withherin the bedroom, you might as well cut your dick off and throw it away. You don’t need it anymore.”
I laugh, and he smirks before taking another big bite of his sandwich. “Lack of fun was never the issue,” I say vaguely, even though my son already knows far more about my sex life than I ever wanted him to.
“I fucking bet it wasn’t,” he says, shaking his head. “I’ll hand it to you, you might be a stubborn son of a bitch, but you’ve got fortitude of fucking steel. I don’t know how you let her sexy little ass sleep naked in your bed, craving your dick, and you can keep your hands off her. All I’d be thinking about is being inside her again after a break like this one. But you’ve gotta look at it from her perspective. She doesn’t see admirable restraint, she sees blatant rejection. Of course she feels like you think she’s dirty and damaged now if you won’t touch her like you did before.”
“Well, that’s the other thing. Before, it was important to Kennedy that it be special. It wasn’t what I told her she should want, it’s whatshewanted. It feels really fucking shitty to let that be one more thing that was taken from her, and she’s not exactly in a mental state right now for some romantic do-over evening. I’m afraid if I went ahead and booked one, going through the same motions we went through that night might trigger a bad reaction.”
He frowns. “What, like she wanted flowers and candy every time you fucked her?”
“No.” I don’t like admitting this knowing he has, but I say, “Kennedy and I haven’t actually had sex yet. She was a virgin, and she wanted her first time to be special. That night, it was supposed to be the night. I reserved the hotel room, did everything she wanted, but then her fucking mother wanted her to come home, and we got interrupted.”
His jaw hangs open. “You haven’t fucked her?”
I shake my head grimly. “Nope.”
He scowls. “But Iheardyou with her when you slept on the couch.”
“That was foreplay. She was a virgin when she left the hotel that night.”
“Then I was her first,” he realizes.
Still don’t fucking like that. “Yep. But that’s what makes it harder. She wanted it to be special, and if the first time I fuck her is like this… It couldn’t be further from what she wanted.”
“Well, that may be. And that’s fucking unfortunate, but that’s not where she is anymore. You can’t give her back everything she lost. All you can do is keep moving forward.”
My gaze drifts, an image of Kennedy skating across my mind. “I told her I would.”
“Well, then you lied to her. Amend your position and move on. Do what youcando.”
“I don’t know.”
He cocks a dark eyebrow. “You better fucking know.”
“I know you think I’m too careful with her and you’re probably right, butyou’renot careful enough. You think you haven’t inflicted any real damage, and I don’t agree with that assessment.”
“Kennedy didn’t want me to be careful,” he states. “I specifically asked what she wanted. Careful was not in the job description.”
“But what if you’re both wrong? What if I do something that fucks her up and sends her on a spiral? What if I can’t reel her back in before she does something she can’t take back? You weren’t kidding about her mental state. One minute she’s smiling and it feels like things are okay, a minute later I don’t even know what fucking happened and she’s talking about how she doesn’t even want to be alive anymore. Maybe going slow isn’t what she wants, but—”
“Whoa, when was this?” he demands, scowling. “Shesaidthat? She hasn’t said anything like that to me.”
I frown. “You told me to do wellness checks on her.”
“Yeah, but it was just a feeling. When I took her to Target, she didn’t even bother looking when she crossed the street, nearly walked in front of a fucking car. She neversaidshe was feeling that way. Is it getting worse instead of better? Seems like if she’s admitting it, the feelings are getting worse.”
Thinking about this makes me feel so fucking helpless. “I don’t know. All I know is she said it last night, and I’ve been fucking terrified to let her out of my sight since. But it didn’t feel like she wanted me around, either.”
His gaze is fixed on me, a thunderous scowl on his face. “What exactly was happening?”
“Nothing was happening. We were lying in bed talking. I told her I had quit her job for her, she asked if I was grumpy. I admitted I was because I haven’t been sleeping well, and she hugged me. Then she rolled away and got all upset out of nowhere, said she wasn’t sure she should live here and… it just fucking spiraled.”
“You were holding her and then she got upset.”
“Essentially, yes.”
“Did you word it in a way that may have made her feel like it was her fault you weren’t sleeping? Maybe you sent her on a guilt trip by accident.”
I shake my head. I can’t remember exactly what I said, but I don’t think it was that. “No, it wasn’t like that. She knew it was because of all this shit I wasn’t sleeping, but she didn’t take it that way. I think she just wanted to… I don’t know, comfort me or cuddle to apologize for the headache, but her mood swing wasn’t about that.”
