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“I’m with him because I want to be,” I tell her, since at least that’s true. “Maybe thingswilldevelop a little faster because we live together, but honestly… who cares?” I shrug, shaking my head to appeal to her less sensible side. “As long as we’re happy and healthy, how important is a timeline, really? It doesn’t change anything in the long run if we get to where we’re going a little faster than we would have if we lived apart.”
“No, but that seriousness that develops way too fast does make it more difficult to leave even when you know you should. Believe me, honey, I know. I shouldn’t have stayed with your father as long as I did, but I got stuck. Right now, things with Landon may be lovely because they’re new, and even not-so-great men can change briefly when they’re in a new relationship. But then the newness fades and the reality of who they are comes out, and if you’ve rushed the relationship and your lives are entwined in a way that’s very difficult to separate, it is much more difficult to get out of it. Especially you. I know you, you’re like me in certain ways. Look at how hard you’ve worked to keep things smooth with him because you didn’t want to mess this up for me. Do you really think if things changed in your relationship with Landon and you wanted out, but he didn’t want to let you out, that he wouldn’t use that against you?”
I press my lips together, considering how honest I want to be here.
Landon would obviously do that. Without hesitation, without question. She’s absolutely correct, and I won’t lie, I hadn’t thought about that.
But I guess it just doesn’t matter. I’ve already dealt with him using this situation to his advantage, but he won’t have the same advantages going forward. I’m not afraid of things I’ve already conquered.
Being with him has cured me of the fear, and it was the fear he could really use against me.
I don’t see us breaking up anytime soon unless he regresses to being a big dumb idiot, but even then, when I look at the arsenal at his disposal, I don’t see anything that can break me.
Sure, he might slip into my bedroom or the bathroom or any other semi-private area and force himself on me, but that only shocked me the first time. After I recovered from him coming in my panties to punish me for wearing the shorts in front of his dumb friends, I knew I could survive it, and since I’ve allowed him access to me since then, the threat has lost its power. If he takes what I want to give him anyway, it doesn’t damage me. At worst, it pisses me off.
Conjuring the image now, I can see it. He did something stupid and I had to dump him over it. I’m heartbroken, sure, but also pissed because he was so fucking inconsiderate as to do thisbeforeI left for college. It could have been so much cleaner then. But he’s Landon, he has to be chaotic, so I’m sucking it up to spare our parents a hostile home environment while we live out the rest of our days together. But while I’m me, he’s him, so of course he doesn’t want to be held accountable for his bad behavior. He didn’t want the relationship to be over, he just lost his cool and made a stupid mistake I refuse to forgive him for. So, at the first opportunity, he sneaks into my bedroom. He tries to reason with me, but I’m done, so I tell him to get out. He doesn’t. He insists I’m still his, even though I tell him no the fuck I am not, and then he has to show me. He’s stronger than I am, so I can’t fight him off. All I can do is take it as he pins me down and fucks me despite my protests, even coming inside me because he’s a fucking asshole and he’d love to get me pregnant when I’m trying to leave him. What an incredible advantage that would give him in getting me to stay.
This is a very awkward moment to feel turned on, so I promptly shove the image from my mind and shake it off, shifting my attention back to Mom. “I can handle him,” I assure her.
Mom looks down at her lap. “We should probably get you on birth control.”
“Already done. I went earlier this week.”
“You never did tell me when this all started.”
“It’s hard to put a date on,” I admit. “About a week. Two if we’re going from the first kiss.”
“The night of the party?” she asks knowingly.
Feeling my face flush, I nod. I’m sure giving her a timeline is exposing some of the lies I’ve had to tell, but she doesn’t call me out on it.
“I know I haven’t been totally honest with you up to this point,” I acknowledge. “I didn’t feel like I could be. Ididfeel like I needed to keep things concealed to protect you, but I don’t feel that way anymore. When Landon first kissed me downstairs, I thought he was ruining everything, but I’m starting to think he was right. This had to come out so we could all move forward. There’s nothing to keep from you now. And I don’t want there to be going forward. I’ve hated lying to you, and if we can just get through this and make space for that openness, there’s no reason to worry about the scenarios you’re worried about developing. We’ll talk about things, just like we would if I were dating any other guy. I won’t have to be afraid my relationship is going to wreck yours. That’s what we need to get rid of. That’s the stressor for me. I know that you are so well-intentioned, but honestly, I know your heart, and I know that you would give up anything to protect me, but right now, I need to know you’renotgoing to do that. If it works out with me and Landon, awesome. If it doesn’t, that sucks, but it’s not going to impact your relationship. You’re still going to marry Hayden because Hayden can’t help what his son does, and none of us are going to make anyone but Landon pay for Landon’s choices.”
A wobbly smile tugs at Mom’s lips. “When did you get so grown up?”
I roll my eyes good-naturedly. “Sometime around when I learned to read, I think.”
“Sounds about right.”
“Realistically, I was probably bossing around my stuffies even before then.”
Mom leans in and wraps her arms around me, giving me a hug we both need. “I don’t know how this will work, and I’m still very worried about things progressing too fast, but… I suppose we can give it a try.”
Sighing with relief, I squeeze her. “Good. Great. Just remember, it’s not about how fast things happen or what things are conventionally supposed to look like. I want us all to live together, regardless of the intricacies that may entail. I’m going to be with Landon, but I want you to marry Hayden. I want you to be happy. I want me to be happy, too. Don’t make me lie to you in order for us both to be happy.”
Chapter Forty-Seven
Parker
Usually, Landon is the one sneaking into my bedroom.
Tonight, I sneak into his.
It’s a long night of long conversations with the parents. Newly aware that he’s my boyfriend and not just my longtime tormentor, Mom finds reasons to keep me downstairs late. Landon reaches his limit on family time for the day and heads upstairs, and when Mom can barely keep her eyes open, I start yawning and tell her I’m tired, too.
I go to my own room for a while, but once Mom and Hayden are in bed long enough that I imagine they’re asleep, I grab the business card off my desk and tiptoe down the hall toward Landon’s room.
I don’t bother knocking. When I turn the handle, there’s no resistance, so I shove open the door.
