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I feel a bit self-conscious when Hayden drops me off at school in his Maserati.
I’ve never been one to feel awkward or embarrassed about my mom dropping me off at school—that never made any sense to me—but after waking up in a seaside mansion and giving the housekeeper cooking me breakfast instructions on how best to serve me before being offered a Jaguar to drive to school in, I have never felt more like I’ve accidentally fallen into someone else’s life.
It’s only once I’m walking the halls at Baymont High with my eyes peeled for a Landon sighting that anything feels remotely normal.
This is how it’s meant to be.
I don’t know what he’s wearing today, or what he had for breakfast. I don’t know if he’s even here.
Not knowing makes me more aware, more watchful. It’s as if he’s around every corner, even though when I turn that corner, I never see him.
History class is next, though. If he’s at school today, I’ll see him there.
My stomach flutters at the thought. Gone is the delicious breakfast, apparently. Now it’s a butterfly cavern.
My mind is at once frantic and incapable of concentrating as I enter the classroom. As if I’m the Secret Service, I check the perimeter, sweep the room.
There he is.
He’s at his desk in the middle of the last row, but he’s not sitting forward getting his books ready like I will be in a moment’s time. Instead, he’s turned around in his chair, talking to the guy seated behind him.
Trent Walker. He’s a football player and one of the guys in their friend group. Not one I told Anae about because I knew instinctively he would be too vanilla for her, but he made the invite list.
Landon hasn’t noticed me yet, but I’m hyper aware of any slight movement of his head that might change that.
I make it past his current line of sight and make a beeline to my desk without looking back. I wait for the telltale burn of his gaze when it hits me, but it never comes.
I should feel better that he hasn’t noticed me. That should be a relief.
But it’s not.
Instead of getting it over with, I find myself completely preoccupied as I open my history textbook and organize my notes. My mind can’t concentrate on any of the papers because try as I might to focus it, all I can think about is him.
Thisis why I have avoided having classes with him for so many years.
I was lulled into a false sense of having my shit together this year because being in this class with him hasn’t really bothered me for the last couple of days.
But it’s because it wasn’t my first sighting. There was no dread and anticipation of wondering what he might do that day.
It didn’t feel the way it used to because it wasn’t like it was before.
Today it is. Today I don’t feel like “let’s all make a fresh start” Parker with her “kumbaya shit,” as Anae so eloquently put it.
Today I’m the Parker who doesn’t have to be around Landon as long as she can avoid him at school, and I’m realizing now that Mom was right: I shouldnothave brought him his lunch.
The mere thought of it reminds me so much of that day years ago when I approached his desk trying to be helpful…
Nope.
I’m not going to do it.
Maybe I’ll split the extra lunch with Hannah or something, but I’m not delivering it to him like his dutiful little errand girl. The Parker I was a few hours ago didn’t care, but flashback Parker kinda does, and I’m not inviting that kind of emotional chaos into my day.
Clearing as many thoughts of Landon as I can from my head, I give it a shake and roll out my shoulders, then I try harder to get ready to learn.
It’s as impossible to trick my body into being completely unaware of him as it would be for a gazelle to knowingly prance around in front of a hungry lion, but once the class gets going, I’m able to focus enough on the material to make it through.
