AllFreeNovel
Share Us
I turn the video off and toss my phone down. I’m not ready to think about what all of this means. It scares me, and I kind of just want things to stay as they’ve always been. There’s comfort in familiarity, but now it feels like we’re standing at the edge of a cliff, just waiting to see what will happen.
I need to edit the video so I can post it online, but I’m not mentally prepared to spend hours watching me and Josiah interacting and wondering what every look passed between usmeans. Who knows? I could just be reading into it. Maybe there’s nothing going on, and I’m just being delusional.
Jolene and Merrily barge into my room, declaring we’re all going shopping for a mother-daughter day. I grab my shoes and purse, thankful for an excuse to put off the video editing, and make my way downstairs. When I walk into the living room, Mom is FaceTiming with my sister, Devon. She’s a year and a half younger than me, and she’s the golden child of the family. Mom denies it profusely, but just watch the way she beams when she talks about Devon and you’d know it’s true. I can’t even blame Mom for it, considering how insanely talented my sister is.
Her ballet company has a big show tonight. It’s the opening night for one of her favorite ballets,Manon. She always loves the tragic ones. What a masochist. According to the conversation I’m overhearing, Devon is excited but also nervous about her debut as the lead role in the ballet. Weird. She hardly ever gets this nervous anymore.
I peek over Mom’s shoulder to say hello. Devon’s smile immediately brightens. I can see the excitement all over her face. She loves what she does—she always has. And I’ve always been a bit jealous of that. From the moment she took her first ballet class when she was six years old, she knew what her passion was. If only I could find something like that.
Mom and Devon talk for a few more minutes before they end their call, and Mom instantly deflates. She’s happy that Devon is off living her dream life, but she hates that it takes her so far away. A small tear makes tracks down her cheek, so Merrily swoops in and grabs Mom’s arm to pull her up from the couch. She pats her cheeks dry with a tissue, and Mom swats her hand away after a moment.
“Okay, we’re going to go get a nice iced coffee and some nice baked goods, and everything’s going to be all better!”Merrily says in a calm, soothing tone, as if Mom is on the verge of a complete mental breakdown. Merrily is just like that, though. She loves to take care of everyone.
“I’m fine, sweetie. I just miss her. It’s been so long since she’s been home to visit, and sometimes I wonder if she gets lonely in Boston all by herself,” Mom says. I don’t mention to Mom that Devon is not alone. She’s surrounded by all her closest friends. Her ballet family looks after her, and she looks after them. Devon has made a life for herself there. And now I’m feeling like an utter failure. I try not to compare myself to Devon. We’re two completely different people, after all. But it’s hard when she’s made herself into such a success, and she’s so perfectly content with her life, while I’m still living with my parents, and I have no clue where my life is going. I thought I knew where it was going, but it all ended so abruptly that it’s like I have whiplash. I’ll figure it out, though… I hope.
“I’m sure she’s fine, Mom,” Jolene says. “Now let’s go do some shopping!”
“After the coffee,” Mom clarifies, because who would we be without coffee?
I love shopping. I could shop for hours and never tire of it, especially when I’m with my mom and sisters. Doing that is a horrible idea, though, because they’re the worst influences in the world. They never discourage you from buying anything. They tell you everything looks fabulous and you simply have to get it.The dress chose you!That’s how I found myself in my bedroom with fifteen shopping bags and a completely empty bank account once. I had to spend the entirety of the next day returning all of it. It was humbling to say the least.
Today, however, I’m not feeling it. My hands remain emptybecause I haven’t found a single thing I like. Jolene and Merrily have three bagfuls of clothes and shoes each, and they’re confounded by my refusal to purchase anything. This is a sure sign that something’s wrong with me, because I’m never empty handed in a clothing store. Jolene has picked up on my sour mood as if there’s a big neon sign hanging above my head, warning people to beware.
“What’s wrong with you?” she asks as she holds up a top to inspect. It’s hideous, so I take it from her hand and hang it back on the rack. She takes another shirt and holds it up. It’s even worse than the first one, so I hang it back up as well. “Would you stop? Why are you in such a foul mood today?”
“I’m not. I just have a lot on my mind. I have a lot to do.” I’m clearly in denial.
She raises a brow and questions me, and I try to evade her questions. Jolene isn’t one to give up after a few rebuttals, though. After trying to dance around the subject for five minutes, I break open like a piñata at a kid’s birthday party. Everything comes spilling out of me. The tiny glimpses of tenderness I’ve seen in Josiah, the way he has been giving me heart palpitations, the palpable tension between us. But she doesn’t look at all surprised to hear any of it. I thought this would be the most shocking thing she’s ever heard…or the most shocking thing this week at least.
“You mean, it hasn’t always been like this between y’all?” Jolene asks. Her brows are scrunched up in confusion. I have no idea why she’s confused. Of course it hasn’t always been like this. These feelings are not conducive to maintaining a close friendship. And hello! I had a boyfriend for six years!
“No!” I exclaim. I either would have kicked him to the curb or seen a cardiologist for my racing heart long ago if I had been dealing with this for twenty-six years. This can’t be normal.
“Huh,” she says, completely perplexed. And now my face matches hers. Does everyone think there are feelings lurking underneath the surface of Josiah’s and my relationship? Our mothers certainly think there are. I still can’t get that conversation we overheard out of my head.
“What is that supposed to mean?” I ask her. She raises an eyebrow at me as if I should know exactly what her nondescript noise means.
Hello! I’m not a mind-reader!
“It means that I think it has always been there for one of you, and the other has just been too dense to see it,” Jolene says. She picks up the ugly shirt and saunters away with way too much attitude for one petite body. I’m absolutely floored. I definitely wasn’t the one feeling all of that before, so she must mean that Josiah has always felt it. But how would she know that? He wouldn’t have told her. They’re close, but not close enough for him to talk about his romantic notions with her. At least I don’t think they are.
And, hey! She just called me dense! I’m not dense. Maybe I was a little too wrapped up in my own life to have noticed, but who isn’t? I’ve had a lot going on.
I think back to the video from last night and that look on his face when he was watching me. That look revealed so much without words being necessary. If he has always looked at me like that, then that means everyone else has already seen it. All his thoughts and feelings were written on his face for the world to see. Of course she already knew about his feelings. And of course she thought I knew as well.
How have I been so utterly blindfor so long?
I gave Jolene the footage of Josiah and me knitting to edit into a video a few days ago. I just couldn’t bear to do it and face the look on Josiah’s face again. I would have had to stare at it for hours! As much as I love Josiah and his face, I needed a break from it so I could get my thoughts in order.
After she got it back to me yesterday afternoon, I took a few minutes to do a voice-over since I couldn’t delegate that task to her—our voices sound nothing alike, unfortunately. I posted it online as soon as I was finished, and I haven’t looked at it once since. In fact, I have actively avoided looking at my phone lest I be tempted to see it and spend hours reading the comments and overanalyzing every single one.
I’m dying to know what people are saying, but at the same time dreading it. It makes no sense, but that’s just how my brain is. Is everyone assuming we’re a couple? Are they all saying we’re cute together? Or are all the women who spent last week drooling over Josiah saying he can do better than me? In truth, I wouldn’t be all that offended if they said that. He probably could do better… Not that we’re a couple or anything.Just friends!
I’ve spent hours thinking about Josiah and trying to sort out how I feel about him. I’ve spent even more hours pushing all thoughts of him out of my overly muddled head. The conclusion: I have no idea how I feel. I thought we’d always be friends.Friendsbeing the key word here. I thought I would marry Brandon, and Josiah would finally find someone worth dating and eventually marrying. I’d fly back to Texas from California several times a year to visit him and my family. I’d love his wife and comment on how much his children have grown since the last time I saw them. Our kids would grow up together and be friends, just like we’ve always been friends. It would be picture perfect.
But obviously, now none of that is relevant. Brandon is outof the picture, and I won’t be moving away…at least not anytime soon, and definitely not all the way to California. And now, inexplicably, the thought of Josiah marrying and living a life where another woman is the most important person in his life feels like a punch in the gut. I hate thinking of a world where I can’t just show up at his door whenever I want because I need a hug or a quick cuddle on his ridiculously oversized and squishy couch. I’m not an expert on wives, but I assume most women would not be okay with their husbands cuddling with another woman at midnight. And rightfully so. Duh! I know if I ever caught my husband (whomever he might be) doing that he’d get a throat punch!
But does any of this mean that I have feelings for Josiah? Like, the ooey-gooey, hearts-in-your-eyes feelings? There was that one time in ninth grade that I thought that I might have liked him as more than a friend. That was before he got tall and buff. He was actually a little shorter than me then, and all the girls thought he was a little on the nerdy side. I’ve always been okay with nerdy. Nerdy is cute. Nerdy is safe. You don’t have to worry about other girls macking on your man when said man is more obsessed with fantasy novels and drawing fan art. You don’t have to worry if nerdy is completely out of your league.
