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“Maybe,” she mumbles, not meeting my eyes.
“What does ‘maybe’ mean?” I ask, genuinely curious. If she wasn’t thinking about last night, what was she thinking about?
“I’m not super sure. My thoughts were all over the place,” she says. She shoves another bite into her mouth and chews slowly. “Honestly, I’m not sure how I feel about everything.”
“It hasn’t even been a whole day. Most people wouldn’t know what to think yet,” I say.
“I did think a lot last night, and I’ve realized that a part of me is relieved.”
“Relieved?”
“Yeah, things have been different between us for the past year…maybe even two years. He wasn’t talking to me like he used to. We weren’t spending much time together. He didn’t ask me to go to his shows anymore, which makes so much sense now that I know he had another woman there with him. It just felt like we were growing apart…” She stops talking, points her fork at me, and narrows her eyes. “You’re good,” she says.
“Come on. I barely even had to try this time. And we’re best friends. If you can’t talk to me, who can you talk to?”
“I know,” she sighs. “It’s just…yes, I’m relieved, but I’m also embarrassed.”
Hearing that makes my blood boil. What does Ellis have to be embarrassed about? She gave her all to a relationship that she cared about. She was a good, faithful partner to him, and he fumbled her. And worst of all, he thought he was going to get away with it. He thought he could have his girl on the side and keep Ellis around to use and abuse.
If anyone should be embarrassed, it’s him. He got caught cheating on the night he got engaged in front of a huge crowd of people. He should be hiding in shame, terrified to show his face in public. But if I know Brandon, he’ll pretend that nothing ever happened. He’ll flaunt his new girl around town for all to see, and eventually, everyone will forget all of his wrongdoings. That’s what always happens. He flashes his perfect smile, and the world forgives him. Gosh, he’s the worst.
“Who knows how long he was messing around with other women on the side, and I was clueless the whole time. He probably laughed at me behind my back. I gave him six years of my life, and what do I have to show for it? Nothing! I practically begged that man to marry me after we graduated, and he told me he didn’t believe in marriage. So what was last night, then?”
I didn’t know she had wanted to marry him. It’s a relief that he didn’t agree to it. With a guy like Brandon, a marriage certificate wouldn’t have stopped him from cheating. Ellis should be happy she dodged that bullet and can make a clean break from him. There are no assets to divide, no legal proceedings to endure, no custody battles for children. As it is now, she never has to see him again if she doesn’t want to. And I seriously hope she doesn’t want to. I don’t know if I should remind her of this or keep my mouth shut. She may not want to hear any of this right now.
“Six years. Six entire years of bending over backward to make his dreams come true. I supported him when his band was nothing, you know. I put off my own dreams for him, and now… I feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore.”
“What do you mean you don’t know who you are? You’re Ellis! You’re loud and funny. You love taking care of people.You eat dessert first when your parents aren’t around. You cry watching Hallmark movies… You’re my favorite person.”
These are all things I love about her. Things that make it so easy to be her friend. I hope she knows that I really mean all of it. I hope she knows how much she means to me. She nods her head, takes another bite of her pancakes, and looks around the restaurant. There’s an older couple sitting at the table across from us that catches her attention. Is she wondering if that could have been her and Brandon someday? Married for fifty years, reminiscing about when their kids were small, or bragging about their amazing grandkids?
That could never be Brandon. And I hope she realizes it before she lets this rip her apart.
3
Ellis
I arrive home feeling like I’ve been hit by a semi-truck—physically, mentally, and emotionally. I ate way too many pancakes and really should have stopped at two cups of coffee. My eyes feel drier than the Sahara desert, which is weird considering they’ve been leaking tears for the past twelve hours. I didn’t think it was possible, but I started crying again while talking everything out with Josiah. I don’t know why, but I can’t believe he managed to get me to spill my guts to him. I was so determined to put that talk off a little longer.
Now I’m completely drained, and all I want to do is go upstairs and sleep for the rest of the day before I have to go work a twelve-hour shift at the hospital. I love my job, but I’d rather be anywhere but there tonight. I’d call in sick, but we’re already short-handed as it is. And I can’t do that to my co-workers. I like and respect them too much to bail on them because of a guy. Sure, it’s a guy I’ve been seriously committed to for my entire adult life so far, but whocares? Not me! I definitely don’t. And if I keep telling myself that, I might actually start believing it.
I stomp up the stairs of my parents’ home, where I still live. Yay for me! What twenty-six-year-old can afford to buy a house in this economy? Two of my younger sisters still live here as well. We’d considered renting an apartment or a house together, but our parents talked us out of it. We all succumbed to the free housing, and my bank account thanks me greatly for it. I’m slowly saving up all my pennies for a down payment, which I’d never be able to do on top of paying my own rent. It’s really not bad living with my parents. They leave me to my own devices for the most part, and I get home-cooked meals all the time.
I close the door to my bedroom and change out of my jeans into my comfiest pair of sweatpants. They’re bright-pink fleece and mildly hideous, but I love them. They were a gift from my sister, Devon, who lives in Boston. I opt to keep Josiah’s massive t-shirt on and plop down on my bed. I pull the neck of the shirt up to my nose for the thousandth time since I put it on this morning. What does he do to make his clothes smell this good? It’s like a hint of musk mixed with that fresh laundry scent. It’s like his clothes have been blowing in the wind on a mountainside. I wish I could bottle up that smell. I wouldn’t sell it. I’d hoard it like a greedy dragon. Is it weird that I’m thinking this about my best friend? Probably so. And I will never ever tell him that I think he’s the yummiest-smelling man in existence. It’s a secret I’ve kept for at least a decade, and I will take it to my grave.
Right as I close my eyes, my two younger sisters barge into my room, and I jolt upright, ready to defend myself against attack. I slash my hand out at them but miss.
“Oh my gosh, Ellis. You have to tell us everything! Literally every single detail. Do we need to get some bats and post up athis house?” Merrily, my twenty-year-old sister says. She’s literally the last person I’d expect to see with a baseball bat in her hands. A gardening shovel? Yes. Sports equipment? Never.
“No baseball bats necessary,” I assure her as I pull my comforter up over my head, hoping they get the hint and leave me in peace.
My other sister, Jolene, sits down next to me on my bed, pulls my comforter back down, and takes my hand in hers. “Are you okay, though? Valerie called me last night after you left her birthday dinner. She was worried about you. We were all worried.”
The look of concern on her face makes me want to bolt out the door. I can’t handle this right now. I don’t want people feeling sorry for me and worrying. I just want to pretend like none of this ever happened. Can’t we all just collectively erase Brandon from our memories? If only it were that simple.
“I’m fine. Really. I just need some time to process everything,” I say.
“Is it true he’s engaged to the girl?” Merrily asks, shoving her phone in my face. After my eyes focus on the screen, I’m greeted with the wonderful sight of a picture of Brandon and ol’ blondie gazing lovingly into each other’s eyes while she holds her hand out to the camera to show off her new ring. I guess he was able to successfully spin some story about me to get her to stick around. I’m sure it was all very flattering for me.
