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I realize I’m still blocking his exit. I also realize I might not get this chance again so I take it. “Are we really never going to talk about it or talk again? Are you just going to keep pretending like I don’t exist?”
He lets out a loud exhale. “Nikki, I’m too drunk to do this with you tonight.” He scrubs his hands down his face and then plants them on his hips. “I’m not pretending that you don’t exist. I know you exist. Everyone knows you exist and I hear about you all the time. Whether it’s the guys telling me how hot you look in a bathing suit or how I hear about you making out with our resident football star.”
I avert my eyes to the floor, refusing to look him in the eye at the mention of my now shameful hookup.
“Nikki, look at me.”
I snap my eyes back up to his because in all the conversations we ever had he’s never used that tone with me. The tone that my parents have mastered when they’re upset and scolding me. “You can do what you want. I’m not your boyfriend, but you don’t see me out there behaving a certain kind of way.”
I find my voice. “And what kind of way is that?” I don’t give him the chance to answer though. “The kind of way a girl does when she’s had her heart broken so she’s trying to move on? Ormaybe, I’m just trying to survive and live my life andenjoy my senior year without any commitments.”
He shakes his head slowly. “I can’t do this with you right now.”
We stand in silence and stare at each other. Both of us breathing heavier. He comes up to me and I think he might kiss me. Instead, he reaches for the door knob by my hip and pulls it towards him, I move from the door and step aside, letting him out of the bathroom. All thoughts of having to use the bathroom are gone and replaced with the exchange between Brad and I. All I can think about is his face as he walks out the door because I’m pretty sure he hates me.
December 31, 2005
5… 4… 3… 2… 1…The crowd counts down in the club. Lola, Erica, Meg, and I countdown along with everyone else around us. Sparkling confetti begins to fall from the ceiling and sparklers light up around the room. We hug and give air kisses and dance toAuld Lang Syne. It doesn’t take long before I feel two strong hands wrap around my waist and his head rests on top of mine and I slowly melt into his embrace.
Andy leans into my ear and wishes me a Happy New Year then he proceeds to gently bite my earlobe. The song changes to more dance music and he continues to hold my back to his front. We dance and grind on each other and I never let my mind wander to thoughts of Brad and what he could be doing tonight. I refuse to let myself wonder if he’s dancing like this with another girl. I refuse to wonder if he thinks of me. I refuse to think about how he will react when he inevitably hears about Andy and Ibeing here together. I refuse to let myself hope that he might be thinking of me.
When the night is over and I’ve taken off my shoes and crawl into bed alone, I have a moment of weakness and get out of bed and send him a Happy New Year message online. The next morning, there’s a reply. A short one ofYou toobut it’s enough to give me hope that the door to us hasn’t closed forever. Now to crawl myself out of the mess that I’ve made.
CAPS AND GOWNS
May 6, 2006
It’s graduation day. I’ve got my cap and gown on, my sorority sash draped around my neck, and sky-high heels that make me at least four inches taller. It’s a very bittersweet day for me today. On one hand, I’m happy to be graduating, earning my degree, and closing this chapter in my life. On the other hand, my senior year went nothing like I had planned. It’s been months since I saw Brad that night in the bathroom. The last time Brad and I spoke was via the internet and it was basically me talking to myself because he refused to answer my instant messages. Whether it happened by chance or if it was planned, we didn’t have any classes together during the spring semester. I’ve gotten very few glimpses of him around campus.
I stand in line at the front of the College of Liberal Arts section waiting to walk into the arena. I’ve seen a lot of my fellow classmates and friends already this morning. I’ve smiled for pictures and said goodbyes but I’ve been able to hold off any tears. It’s the quiet before the storm. I know once they open the doors, the flash photography will pop off like crazy, I’ll see my family inthe stands and that’s when I’ll shed a few tears. For now, I take a deep breath and try to soak this moment in. I know I made mistakes this year but I did one thing right… I graduated college and earned my degree. The first one in my family to do so.
“Nikki.”
I don’t need to turn to know the voice that just spoke to me. I’ve waited months to hear it address me again. Brad walks from behind me and stands in front of me. He’s dressed in the black cap and gown but instead of wearing Greek letters he’s wearing a gold honors sash with several cords around his neck. I stand there drinking him in, really getting to look at him. He looks good. He’s got on a crisp, white dress shirt under his gown and blue tie. He looks handsome and very much a grown-up man. It pains me to think that I hurt him all those months ago. It pains me that things between us didn’t work out the way I wished they would have. I have so much to say to him, I don’t know where to start, so I don’t say anything at all.
“I’m glad I could find you.”
I give him a questioning look because I’m not sure what he means.
“I’ve thought a lot about today,” he starts to gesture around us. “I couldn’t imagine going through this day without you by my side. I would really like it if we could walk in together and sit with each other.”
A woman rushes past us giving the two-minute warning before the doors open and the commencement begins. I’m shocked by his admission that he would want to spend such a monumental day with me considering everything that’s happened between us. However, I’m glad that he does and I easily agree. “I’d really like that too.”
Now it’s his turn to give me an easy smile. He remains besideme and as the music begins to play, the event organizers usher us forward. As Pomp & Circumstance begins to play I can’t help but start to get emotional. I never imagined that Brad would seek me out and want to share this day with me. We make our way into the arena, and since we are at the head of our Liberal Arts group we get the front row. I spot my parents in the stands, and they wave and take photographs. Brad’s parents come down to the railing of the stands and take photos. He pulls me towards him in a hug and has me smile for a photo that his mother takes. It’s all very surreal.
We finally sit down and wait for the first speaker. Brad leans over and asks me, “Are you doing the small ceremony afterward for just our Criminal Justice focused group?” I wasn’t planning on it. I was planning on attending this big ceremony and then blowing this popsicle stand but now sitting here, talking to him and desperately wanting to spend every second that I can get with him, I blurt out my answer. “Yes, I’m going to stay for it. Are you?” I probably should have made sure that’s what he was doing before I committed. What if he wanted to go out after this and talk more?
He smiles his perfect smile. The one that I’ve missed for months. “Me too. We can sit together for that one as well.”
For the next two hours, we sit there in almost silence. Whispering together at lulls in the program. It feels like how it used to. Before that infamous night where it all went wrong. We laugh at each other’s jokes and we talk about things that happened in our classes. When people we recognize go across the stage we cheer and clap. When the ceremony comes to a close, we both toss our caps into the air and hug. His hugs still feel the best, like he’s my missing piece.
We don’t go anywhere as people begin to fill out of the arena. The smaller ceremony is set to be held here in this room so I assume they’ll need to clear this one out first. We sit back down inour seats and I’m sure my parents are wondering why I’m not going anywhere. They had no clue that I was going to stay for the other ceremony. I’ll have to talk to them before the other one starts so they know what’s going on.
Brad and I sit there and people watch. After a few minutes, he speaks. “What are your plans now since we’ve graduated?”
“I’m actually leaving tomorrow morning for Europe. I’m going overseas for the summer. I’ve got family living in England so I’m going to visit them and then I’m going to travel around the country and see some of the world.” What I don’t mention is that I don’t have a job lined up. I’ve put tons of feelers out there and applied to several places, but I haven’t landed a job yet so when my aunt invited me to come visit her and her husband in England I jumped at the chance.
“Wow. That’s really great.”
