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I tip the driver after he spent an extra thirty minutes offering all the little girls rides around the block in the carriage. It was a great hit and the joy in Riley and Regan’s eyes made the dent to my credit card one hundred percent worth it. I’ve never been the kind of guy to splurge on high dollar items but those two, I’d buy the carriage and horse if I knew we had a place to store it.
To see their smiles, I’m still feeling the high.
Long ago the party started to clear out and Gigi offered to give my grams a ride home. Both of the girls were passed out in a pile of opened presents and wrapping paper on the living room of their grandparents’ house. Zoey’s been lingering around the backyard taking down decorations and popping balloons. It hasn’t escaped me how she’s been quiet and doing everything she can to stay on opposite sides of the yard and house from me. At one point I found her watching me, and when we made eye contact, she hurried to look away.
I walk across the yard, pausing near a table to pick up the tablecloth which had fallen to the ground. Wadding it up, I continue on, doing the same to the next two.
Each time I’d glance over only to be met with Zoey’s back. The quietness was eating away at me.
“Is everything okay?” I ask throwing away what’s in my hands.
“Yeah.” The way she says it, dragging out the word and her tone, she may as well have said hell no instead.
“Hey.” I lean in making sure I get into her line of sight. “Did I do something wrong?”
She is quiet for longer than I’d like, my stomach tensing while she simply stares at me without saying anything. Then the second she does speak I am immediately wishing I could go back and not ask the questions at all.
“My girls aren’t toys who can be played with. They are young and impressionable; they grow attached easily.”
When she turns to face me, I notice the sadness in her eyes. The lost, look as she worries her lip. It hits me deep because the last thing I ever wanted to do was upset her. “You can’t use them in an attempt to try and get closer to me.”
“Do you really think I would do something so cruel?” I step back to gain some distance. “Those girls are not something for me to play with Zoey, Jesus give me some credit here. Do I want you to give me a shot? Hell yes, I do, but I would never use Riley and Regan to persuade you to do so. You can tell me no every single day for the rest of our lives and I would still love spending time with them. Those girls are incredible and sweet, they are like a breath of fresh air, there’s so much light in their eyes.”
I feel like she’s kicked me in the nuts.
“I’m sorry you went through what you did. I’m sorry he never treated any of you the way you deserved to be treated. But I’m not him. I don’t have some hidden agenda; you can’t put him and me in the same category.” She continues to look at me and when I know this conversation has ended, I lean in and press a soft kiss to her cheek. “I’m not the bad guy here.” I say softly, before leaning back once more.
I know I can say more. I can stand here and tell her all the ways I will never be her ex, but those are things she should know already. So instead I turn and walk away, because I shouldn’t have to convince her that I’m the good guy here. I’ve never intentionally set out to hurt her, and I’d never hurt her girls.
“She’s got a lot going on.” Georgia walks into the examining room to find me staring out the window and the river behind the office. It had been a quiet day which meant I’ve had far too long to think. “Had a lot,” she corrects herself.
“Has.” I turn around to face her. “It’s hard for me to imagine her as anything other than the carefree girl who would have loved the idea of riding around in a carriage with horses. I should have stayed in touch.”
I can tell Georgia is at a loss. She is trying to be a friend, and I’m thankful but I’m not sure anyone can take the ache in my chest away. Anyone besides the one person I truly need more than anything that is. I came into town feeling less than whole. I loss the one person who meant more to me than anything else. Times like this, when I’m feeling like I don’t know which way to turn,they’d be the times I’d reach out to Gramps. He didn’t always tell what I wanted to hear, but he always told me what I needed to hear.
“I shouldn’t have let her go,” I confess, feeling more vulnerable than I care to. “It shouldn’t have mattered we were hundreds of miles apart. I’ve never loved anyone the way I loved Zoey.”
“Loved?” Georgia smiles at me already knowing my love it not past tense.
“The minute she walked into the funeral home it hit me. Then when she knelt down in front of Grams and hugged her, as they shared a moment, everything I ever felt for her, came rushing back. You don’t love like that and forget it. You might try to, you can tuck it away and pretend it doesn’t exist but it only takes one trigger to bring it back full force.”
“I think it’s safe to say that you both probably wish things had been different. Women tend to hold onto things a little longer than guys. You’re ready to pick up and take off into the what you could be, and she’s stuck in the rut her ex put her in. She’s worried about her girls, and that’s exactly what she should be worried about. They are the innocents in this. But truth is Zoey didn’t ask for what Carson did to her, but if she’s anything like me she is still blaming herself somehow.”
I let what Georgia has said sink in.
“Sorry to interrupt, but there’s someone here to see you?” I look up to find Marcy in the doorway. She steps aside and Zoey moves around her, she’s wearing a pair of leggings with an oversized shirt and her hair is piled on top of her head, almost like she rushed out in a hurry. She looks beautiful, nibbling on her lower lip, obviously nervous.
“Hi,” she offers worrying her hands in front of her while looking from me to Georgia and then back to me. “Can we talk?”
“I’ll give you two some privacy,” Georgia answers before I can say a word and walks toward the door. She offers Zoey a smile and then throws a wink in my direction before stepping out and closing the door behind her.
“Did I interrupt something? I could come back.”
“It’s fine,” I assure her, remaining where I am close to the window. “We’re wrapping up for the day, it’s been a quiet one.”
She nods, glancing around the room. “It’s weird not seeing him here?” I know Zoey is referring to my grandfather. It’s something I still struggle with daily. I half expect to show up one day and find him sitting behind his desk. Peering up at me over the rim of his glasses saying I’ve made a mess of his books.
“I may have overreacted,” the corner of her mouth tips up in the worst forced smile I’ve ever witnessed. “My girls are my limit,” she states as she focuses on the floor at her feet. “I notice the way they look at other little kids who have dads to take them places. I know all the questions will start soon and I’m scared of what I’ll have to say to them. But what terrifies me more is what my explanation with make them feel and the last thing I ever want is for them to think they weren’t wanted.” She pauses, lifting her gaze to meet mine. Her eyes shine with unshed tears and my chest burns with emotion.
