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“Yeah.”
“He’s cute.”
“He is,” I agree.
Holden is looking at Milo like he’s expecting the dog to walk over and greet him, but he remains at my side dutifully.
My affection for Milo swells. Leaving him next week will suck.
“You’re not giving me much, Cas.”
I stiffen. At the implication the awkwardness between us is exclusively my fault, and at his use of the casual nickname.
“I don’t have much to give.”
I’ve known Holden since we were kids. I was in love with him for years before we officially got together. He was my first kiss. My first love. The first guy I had sex with.
I’ve given himeverything.
My heart. My body. My loyalty. My love.
And I’m worried he’s bored. That commitment isn’t exciting.
Worried my standards sunk. That I started getting less and less, and just accepted it.
Worried we got too comfortable. That we’re in a routine of a relationship.
Suggesting we take a break this summer was supposed to jolt us.
And…I’m not sure what it did.
“Does that mean you’re done?”
Done.
Such an innocuous word for such a massive decision.
But Holden isn’t indifferent, at least. There’s emotion in the words that’s echoed in his tense posture.
“It means we need to talk. And I can’t talk now. Plus, you’re about to leave.”Again, I add silently.
He exhales. “You could come.”
I scoff. “On the guys’ trip?”
“Jordan invited McKenzie and a bunch of other girls since he’s hooking up with her.”
“Oh, even better. On the guys’ trip with a bunch of your exes?”
Holden exhales. “They’re not my…” Shakes his head. “Nevermind.”
This is an ancient argument between us.
I’ve never been completely comfortable around his friends. Always felt like I was intruding. No matter how much time passes from when we were younger, it still feels like I’m on the outskirts. A plus one, but never a main character.
Last night was an unfortunate reminder of that. I’m not even sure why I went, besides boredom. Maybe part of me was hoping they would mention I was there to Holden.
I’m quite certain me fleeing wasn’t the carefree update I was aiming to get passed along.
