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And that terrifies me.
But I decide to lean into the fear instead of hiding from it.
“It’s a little scary. Sharks, stingrays, riptides… All sorts of awful stuff happens in the sea.”
Holden shakes his head, still smiling. “I’m right here. You don’t have to worry about any of that.”
“You’re awfully cocky.”
“Confident, you mean.”
“I wasn’t sure I could still rely on you.” I’m no longer talking about the ocean.
The amusement slowly melts off Holden’s face, as he registers the same.
“You can always rely on me.Always.”
We’re still holding hands. And in a move that surprises us both, I let go. Only to breach the foot between us and wrap my arms around his neck instead, so I’m clinging to him like a barnacle. He’s so close I can see every freckle. See the water clinging to his eyelashes.
“I want to.”
His hands find my waist beneath the waves, the water not muffling the feel of his touch sliding across my hips. My heart pounds so quickly I’m worried it’ll beat right out of my chest.
I melt into his embrace, our chests pressing together so tightly there’s no water between our bodies anymore.
“Do you still love me?” he whispers.
The question is saturated by the vulnerability he usually hides. I hear the loss in his voice, the boy who stopped celebrating Mother’s Day before he understood what the holiday meant and who buried his father before graduating high school.
An immediateyesforms on my lips. But the single syllable doesn’t sound like enough of an answer. “I don’t know how to stop.”
“What if you did?”
I exhale. “Then… I’d still love you, Holden Adams.”
He smiles, then grazes his thumb along my jawline. “Are we okay, Cas?”
“We’re better,” I tell him. “I needed…this. Reassurance.You.”
“You have me.”
“This is the first time it’s felt like it in a while.”
“Tell me that, then. Don’t act like everything is fine and then suddenly say you need some time, and we should take a break.”
“It was hard to tell you when I barely saw you.” My voice is soft. I’m trying to explain, not to pick a fight.
Holden exhales. “This year is going to be even busier than last year was.”
“I know.”
“If you need more time or space or a break or whatever this summer was, that’s okay.”
“Uh…okay.” I chew on the inside of my cheek. Something about him being understanding and accommodating more grating than any disagreement. Better than the way he shut down before, I guess. That stung.
“I’ll wait, no matter how long it takes.”
My inhale is sharp and surprised, but Holden’s eyes don’t waver. He stares at me, his attention consuming. Warmth blossoms inside of me, separate from the lust humming in my veins as our slick bodies rub against each other.
