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So I could prove to myself—to her—that I’m different. That she was right that day in the parking lot, and we were better off without her.
“Holden?” Dr. Meyers says.
“Uh, yeah. I’m still here.”
“It was a beautiful gesture.”
My molars grind. Beautiful andpointless.
“What will happen to my mom now?” I ask.
“We’ll continue to search for another donor.”
“What are the chances of that happening?”
There’s a pause that gives me a pretty good idea of the odds. “I couldn’t put a precise number on it,” he finally answers. “But I can tell you we’ll do everything in our power to help your mother.”
I nod, then remember he can’t see me. “Okay. Thank you.”
“You’re a good man, Holden.”
“Not really the thought that counts here. She’s dying anyway.”
“I understand the situation between you two is complicated. But I think you should tell your mother you got tested. I think it would mean a lot to her.”
“Yeah, I’ll think about it.”
He sighs, realizing the same thing as me—I won’t.
“I’ve gotta get to practice. Thanks for calling.”
“Of course. I wish I had different news for you.”
“Bye, Doc.”
“Bye, Holden.”
I hang up and blow out a long breath before I head inside for practice.
Everything is autopilot. I don’t remember walking inside the sports center or the locker room. If I talk to anyone, I’m not sure what I said.
I rely on grunted responses and muscle memory to get through practice. After dreading the call for so long, it’s unsettling to have gotten the answer.
Coach Jackson pulls me aside at the end of practice. “What’s going on with you, Adams?” he asks.
I run a hand through my hair. Look away. “Just having an off day.”
“You were unstoppable all summer. We’ve got our first scrimmage against Lincoln in two weeks. Off days aren’t on the agenda.”
“I know. It was just today.”
He studies me for a minute, then nods. “All right. Get a good night’s sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I nod and leave the weight room.
Instead of heading to the left, toward the locker room, I go right.
The punching bag is located in the weight room the football team usually uses. I share a couple of classes with the starting quarterback, so I know the team is at an away game.
