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This time, there’s a head shake.
We sit in silence on the floor until the front door opens. Both of my parents walk inside.
My mom rushes to Sydney’s side, giving her shoulders a squeeze. “Maggie’s watching everyone,” she tells me.
My dad crouches down as well. “I’m so sorry for your loss, Sydney.”
“Thanks,” she whispers.
“I’ve got some contacts at the police station. I’ll give them a call, see what needs to be handled.”
Sydney nods. “Thanks,” she repeats.
“Did your dad have anywhere he’d keep papers or documents?”
“I’m not sure. His room, maybe?”
My dad nods and stands. “I’ll go take a look.”
“Let’s get you off the floor, sweetie,” my mom says, helping Sydney stand and guiding her over to the couch. Lily stands from her spot curled up, walking over and sniffing at my mom’s jeans. One of my siblings probably spilled something on her.
I trail behind them, then force the words out of my mouth. “I’ll go tell Holden.”
Sydney nods. She’s in no shape to. She doesn’t even question how I know where he is. My parents are handling everything that needs to be done here.
It feels like years, not hours, since our time at the gym. When Holden invited me to Finn’s tonight, this is not at all how I imagined showing up.
“Are you sure, sweetie? Dad or I can go.”
“I’m sure.”
I don’t want to do this at all, and especially not alone. But I need to.
“Be careful, Cassia.”
I nod.
My feet drag as I walk outside, fingering the car keys in my pocket and relieved I left them there. I don’t feel like going inside my house and facing my siblings’ questions. I’m closest with Sydney and Holden because of our ages, but my brothers and sisters all grew up across the street from them too. There’s a whole section of our fridge dedicated to postcards Mr. Adams would bring back from his trips around the country.
The drive to Finn’s house passes too quickly, even sticking exactly to the speed limit. I need more time to think through what to say. How to tell him.
The roads are empty and quiet, no sign of any death or destruction. If the officers shared where exactly the accident took place, I missed it in my haze of disbelief.
Cars are parked haphazardly on both sides of the street. It takes me a little while to find a space to squeeze into. I lock the car and walk toward the house, shoving my hands in my pockets.
I’m dressed in leggings and a fleece. My hair is a mess and I’m not wearing any makeup. It’s stupid to be focused on my appearance right now, but I still regret changing out of my outfit from school earlier as I step inside and register the number of skimpy tops and short dresses.
It’s hot and sticky in here, the air filled with the scent of pot smoke and hormones. People bump and grind up against oneanother, laughing and spilling drinks. I push through the crowd, ignoring anyone who does a double take.
This plan was not thought through. I should have texted him first. What if I can’t find him? What if he’s high or drunk or with a girl?
I soldier on despite my misgivings. I make it to the kitchen and spot Holden immediately. He’s standing by the fridge, talking with Mark. He appears sober and there’s not a girl in sight. Relief and dread war within me as he glances up and spots me. Abandons Mark and walks right over.
“Hey! You’re here!”
He looks thrilled to see me. My heart swells in size as I live the beginning of a fantasy I’ve had since freshman year.
Then I remember why I’m here. The reminder twists in my chest like a jagged knife. I wish I could enjoy this moment. Wish I could smile back and wish I could not know his whole world is about to be upended.
