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“Felicity, what’s really going on?” Lucy asks from the back seat.
“It’s nothing you have to worry about, sweetheart. Just grown-up stuff,” I reply and turn on the radio. It’s playing her favorite song, one that we both love to sing along to.
I hum to the tune, hoping to encourage her to sing with me, but Lucy refuses to be distracted. “Then why did I have to leave early? And why are you so sad?”
I sigh. This is all very complicated, but Lucy deserves some explanation, so I tell her the most sanitized version of events that I can think of. “Argoss and I had a fight. I just need some time away to cool off and figure things out.”
“What did you fight about?”
My number one rule with kids is to never say the words,‘You wouldn’t understand,’because even if the child truly could not understand, they aren’t stupid. They’ll know you’re keeping something from them and will feel condescended to, so it’ll just leave everyone frustrated. Instead, it’s better to give them some kind of explanation in a way that they can understand, even if it’s an oversimplification.
“It’s complicated adult stuff. But sometimes people give off an energy that they don’t mean. They’ll give you a compliment because of what they get in return. They’ll be nice, but only to people who have something they want. I think that’s the same as lying.”
“That’s not fair,” Lucy protests. “He’s not pretending to care about us. Argoss is a good dad!”
She isn’t wrong. He’s taken good care of her –of us– but that doesn’t change the fact that he lied and used me to get what he wanted.
My grip on the steering wheel tightens. I’m afraid that if this conversation keeps going, I’ll lash out and say something unfair to Lucy, and I don’t want to hurt her.
So, I take a slow breath in and out, counting to ten in my head. “Lucy, I know you want answers, but right now, I’m very angry and might say things that I don’t mean. Can I have some quiet time to calm down and think?”
She crosses her arms and stares out the window. “Whatever.”
I bristle at the attitude and remind myself that she’s just hurt and confused. I’d feel the same way in her shoes. “Thank you. I promise that this conversation isn’t over. I’ll explain everything I can to you, but for now, I want you to know that no matter what happens, you’ll be okay. I love you, and Argoss loves you.”As much as a demon is capable of love, anyway.I'm surprised by how bitter the thought sounds, even in my own head.
“I love you too,” she says softly, and it takes some of the sting away from Argoss’ betrayal.
We fall silent, listening to the radio. To distract myself with what I’m going to do about Argoss, I start planning fun things with Lucy so that she won’t be cooped up in a hotel room while I work up the courage to talk to my husband again.
I have five thousand dollars in cash, money Argoss had put into an account of my own for anything I might need. I stopped at the ATM before picking up Lucy so that I could pay for anything we needed in the immediate future. I’m sure this isn’t exactly what he was picturing, but I can’t say I’m not grateful to have it.
See? Lucy’s right. He takes good care of you, and you’re just being stubborn.
I shake my head again, not wanting to get stuck in a never ending loop of guilt.
Maybe I can at least try to make this time away fun for her. I could take her to a movie or a museum.
When we reach Leviathsport, I check us into a mid-level chain hotel. It’s not the lavish places that I’m sure Argoss is used to, but we won’t have to worry about bugs and infestations of monsters under the bed.
As soon as we get into the room, I lie in the bed, feeling suddenly drained. Lucy curls up next to me, resting her head on my chest. I should get her dinner soon, but for now, I can barely bring myself to move.
“You’re a good mom,” Lucy says suddenly.
I blink. “What?”
She sits up. “I don’t know what’s going on, but I trust you. Because you care so much about everyone, especially me. That’s why you decided to marry Argoss, right? You chose him because choosing him meant choosing me and the orphanage.”
I nod, swallowing the lump in my throat. “Yeah, something like that.”
“And I know I kind of pushed you into it anyway. You did it for me. So I know you wouldn’t undo it unless you had a good reason.” She leans against me again, wrapping her arms around me. “You’re the best mom anyone could ever ask for. I love you.”
God, this kid is amazing.
“You’re the best daughter I could ever ask for,” I reply, loving the way the words sound strung together.
I haul myself out of bed, determined to find a good place to take Lucy for dinner. There is a nice-looking pizza restaurant down the street. We’ll get ice cream after, and I’ll try to distract her and myself with jokes and a walk around the area. I’ve always done my best thinking on walks.
Then I’ll sleep on this problem because everything looks worse before going to bed, and when I wake up, hopefully, things will feel clearer. Hopefully, I’ll know what to do about Argoss and our marriage.
