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‘Hi,’ she said, fighting her face to hide her emotions.
‘What are you doing out here?’
‘I followed you. I was worried, and then I couldn’t see where you went, and I didn’t have shoes on, and I saw a taxi, and I thought you’d gone, so I came back here, but .?.?.’ She tried to haul in a shuddering breath. He gathered her up and held her to him while turning the key in the door. ‘.?.?. But you had the key.’
‘You’re freezing,’ he said, pressing his warm cheek against her cold one.
‘Where were you?’
‘I couldn’t sleep. I went looking for almond croissants. I found a place with the lights on and knocked on the door – look!’ Proudly, he held up the bag of pastries in his hand, but his smile fell away. ‘Come on,’ he said, helping her stand. ‘I’ve got you.’
* * *
Inside, the room was still pitch dark. Ronan led her to the bed and motioned her into it. He kicked off his shoes and climbed in next to her, pulling a blanket right over their heads. No eye contact.
‘Are you alright?’ His breath was warm.
‘No.’
‘No?’
‘No. I don’t think I am.’
‘Mabel?’
She nodded her head against his chest. ‘I’m so sorry, Ronan. I’m so sorry.’
‘I’m sorry, too.’ He kissed her forehead.
‘Why are you sorry? It wasn’t your fault.’
‘Claire, it just happened. You didn’t do anything wrong.’
But things didn’t just happen. The die was cast when she refused the C-section.
‘It didn’t just happen,’ she said. ‘I was arrogant and stupid. If I’d agreed to the C-section, she’d be right here in my arms. I’m so angry with myself. Why aren’t you mad at me?’
‘What? Claire, I was never mad at you for that. Never.’ He sat up then, dragged her up beside him.
A beat passed in silence before he spoke again. ‘I thought I was going to lose you,’ he said. ‘I thought I was watching you die.’ He pushed her hair back from her face, held his hand at the back of her head. ‘I can’t bear to think about it. I can’t keep on reliving it.’
‘And I can’t stop.’
‘But why?’
‘It’s the only memory I have of her.’
‘Couldn’t you picture her without reliving the whole thing?’
‘I don’t want to stop reliving it.’
‘Why not?’
‘If I stop—’
‘What?’
‘Because, if I stop, she might leave me.’
