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“Maybe I don’t want my future mate to have to shake hands and speak to the men who’ve been knuckle deep inside of me. Maybe I don’t want to feel so fucking uncomfortable having to explain why I fucked everyone he knows. You ever think of that?”
While she was pissed, he was thoughtful, and he cocked his head at her. “That’s the way of our people. No one would hold it against you, not if it was before you’ve met, and especially if they didn’t know you. You haven’t met him yet, why does it matter if you fucked people he doesn’t know?”
She clenched her jaw, keeping her words to herself, knowing if she spoke, she might not keep it all in, might not be able to keep it all hidden from everyone, including her mate. It was her secret, and it was her choice. She made it, and now she had to live with the consequences.
“Unless…you’ve already found him, haven’t you? But…” His voice trailed off, and she glanced at him nervously. His eyes had dropped to her chest, but not to her breasts. Instead, her locketheld his attention. “You disguise your scent now. But you haven’t always. I remember the party when we met, you didn’t.”
She could see him thinking, running back to when they first met. No, she couldn’t tell him. But she didn’t have to.
“Why?”
His simple question hurt. She knew that’s what people would want to know once they found out, and it was the question she asked herself over and over, something she tortured herself with.
“I’ve never wanted a mate. Not when I was little, not as I got older, and now that I have this life, I don’t want to give it up. I want to be free to be myself. Everything changes with a mate. You know that.”
“But our mates are a part of us…we are created for one another. Our way of life centers on the idea of mates.”
“Exactly. But mine doesn’t. And I want to keep it that way. You can’t tell me you truly want to meet your mate this weekend and go home to start a family. Be honest.”
He sat back and grinned sheepishly. “I’m not opposed to a mate, but I’m hoping to have more fun before that happens.”
“Exactly. I am just starting a career I love. No mate will want me to wander from mating party to mating party, letting shifters hit on me for my channel. It’s better this way. I’ll deal with the consequences for now.”
“So, he doesn’t know? Is he on the tour? Who is it?”
“No and no, and it’s better that way. He can continue to be happy. That’s all you need to know.”
“It’s not me, right?” The look he gave her was a little scared, and it made her smile.
“No. I’m struggling not to go to him, to not dream of him constantly, and we are hundreds of miles apart. I could never resist if he was next to me.”
“Can I get a hint?”
She rolled her eyes, pulling her knees to her chest and leaning against the window. “I don’t actually know the specific person.”
The more information that spilled out of her, the better she felt. With Ava and Cassandra, Ava’s witch mirror in Rathlin Coven, being the only people who knew, and them both being so far away, it was harder to deal with it all. Keoni was the last person she should tell, but maybe now he could help her stay grounded.
“There was a group of shifters nearby when I scented him, and the wind carried his scent to me. I panicked and ran. Ava spelled the locket for me right then, and I’ve worn it ever since.”
“So, it could be anyone? When was this?”
“A while back. After the party where you and Makaii showed up to help us trap the vampires.”
“And that’s it? You never saw him again?”
She shook her head. “I never saw him with my eyes, but I could feel him from the next room or anytime he came close. My wolf…she hasn’t made it easy, that’s for sure. Spending two weeks in the Black Hills during the siege with everyone was hard, but it’s why I stayed out of sight.”
“So, literally anyone from any pack. How do you know you won’t run into him at a party?”
“He won’t be there. I just know. It’s the safest place. Ava knows who he is.”
“Wait, how does Ava know, and you don’t?” His constant stream of nonchalant questions made it hard to hide what she desperately didn’t want him to know, but she couldn’t seem to stop the rush of information. It felt good to say out loud.
“Back the day of the attack, during your planning meetings, I was next door. I was struggling, so we knew he was in that room. I didn’t go in, but she did. She has it narrowed down to the only two people in the room I hadn’t met face to face already. And she’s helping me keep it that way until I’m ready.”
“Do you think you’ll ever be ready?”
At that, she stopped. This was the question she had no answer to, and it scared her to death.
