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But I still am not used to the full feeling. I still hate chewing food. I still despise the way swallowing food felt. So, I resist. I fight back. I plead not to have to eat or take another bite.
I sit on the couch, watching as Sue puts both mayo and mustard on my sandwich before piling on slices of ham and turkey. A punishment I have been enduring for months now, from when I wouldn’t pick a meat for my sandwich, so she decided I would have both.
She holds out a paper plate with the sandwich on it towards me. “Here.” She says when I don’t take it right away.
“Half.” I plead.
“The whole thing. It will be good to soak up some of the alcohol.” She says, thrusting the plate towards me again.
“Not the crust?”
She sighs. “No. The whole thing.”
I take the plate and set it in my lap.
“I may puke if I eat this.”
“You will be fine.” She says. “Eat the whole thing and I’ll give you a Xanax to help you sleep.”
She knew I struggled to sleep without my nightly Xanax. Though it was a double-edge sword, wasn’t it? I struggled to sleep without it because I spent most of the night up, hating the full feeling in my stomach. If she just let me go to sleep empty, I wouldn’t need it.
Okay, that isn’t true either. I’d probably stay up thinking about all the weight I gained. Or whatever the daily rumor of me is. Maybe one of the past rumors. Or the various friends who betrayed me or strayed. Or one of my ex-boyfriends who either cheated on me or spread some awful rumor about me.
So pretty much, she knew I needed the damn pill to sleep.
I pick up the sandwich and take a small bite.
It takes me a while, but I eventually finish the sandwich. Sue takes the empty plate from me and places it in the sink. She grabs a bottle of water and takes a bottle of pills out of her bag, twisting it open and placing a pill in it.
“Here.” She holds one out to me. This I take quickly from her, desperate to escape the full feeling that has settled in my stomach.
I quickly pop the pill in my mouth and swallow it down with some water. I walk down the hall of the bus toward the bathroom area and start to remove my makeup with makeup wipes. Sue stands watch as I do it. Her hovering shouldn’t bother me anymore, but it still does. I think it wouldn’t matter how long she watched over me. I would never get used to it. I crave freedom.
I don’t say a word as I strip down to just my underwear in front of her. In the beginning, I remember feeling ashamed to be naked in front of her, but now I just felt anger. Rage that I had no privacy whatsoever. She even watched me shower most days.
She glances over my body, looking for marks, cuts, from when I used to cut myself. Something I haven’t done in months. I picked up that coping skill at the beginning of this arrangement, desperate for some release, but she caught me, and now I had to have my body checked over for marks anytime I changed.
I flip my arms over and turn in a circle dramatically for her, but she shows no reaction, just looks over my flesh.
It’s annoying, to say the least. I would like some kind of reaction out of her. Even some pity, like she was sorry she had to rob me of all my dignity. But she gives me nothing but a mild sense of annoyance at my attempts to rouse something else out of her.
I pull out a tank top and pull it over my head before sliding on a pair of pajama shorts.
I can feel the Xanax starting to kick in, or maybe that’s all the alcohol I’ve consumed, but either way, my eyes droop, and my body feels relaxed.
I crawl into my bunk, and Sue doesn’t say a word. She walks back down towards the front of the bus. I can hear her gathering her things, and I curl up in a ball.
As bad as today had been, at least I didn’t have to eat lunch, and I made a new friend.
I could only hope he wouldn’t betray me like the others.
I wondered how different it would be to have a guy friend for a change. Maybe he would be more protective over me, like a little sister. Then again, maybe he would be worse than my girlfriends. Maybe he would hurt me like so many other guys had done.
But he didn’t seem the type. I figured if he were going to try anything, he would’ve done it tonight while I was having a panic attack or on my walk back to the bus. But I guess time will tell.
three
I wakeup the next day feeling a little out of it. My mind is a little fuzzy, and I still feel full, though I’m sure it’s mostly in my head. I do need to use the bathroom. I walk past the bathroom door, already knowing it is locked like usual.
