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He ends his text with a winky smiley face.
My thoughts quickly turn to Austin. Our date was enjoyable and easy-going. I feel natural around Austin. Such a comfortable, fun trip down memory lane. No pressure, no audience, just the two of us. And the tree. And the ducks. The picnic he packed for us, bringing a telescope for the stars, every single thing Austin did was thoughtful.
I have the best intellectually stimulating conversations with Austin. We both care about school and have a strong desire to learn and be successful. I feel like most of the other seniors care more about parties and socializing than getting good grades. Austin and I are both exceptions. We actually enjoy studying and quizzing each other.
Austin and I have the most history as well. I’ve known him since we were kids. He’s always been a good friend to me. Even when we started to grow apart in middle school, I knew he would be there at the drop of a hat, if I only asked. He knows my dreams and he knows my fears. He accepts me for me. Going with Austin to prom would mean a simple evening. Good conversation with a good friend. And maybe finally giving myself permission to fall. What would it be like to kiss Austin, with our history? There’s no doubt in my mind I’d find out on prom night. My phone dings again. After glancing down at it, I smile and shake my head.
Hey, thanks for a fun date.
I hope we can do it again soon.
I hear prom is next weekend, if U R interested
Jaron. Our date was romantic and fun. He made me feel special by cooking the food himself. I love that he wanted to share some of his family’s culture with me. Then he took me out for cheesecake and a Jane Austen movie, two of my favorite things. He really took the time to make sure we did things I like. And he made me feel completely spoiled. We have a lotof physical chemistry, that is obvious. My body warms at the memory of him kissing me in the library. He makes me feel wanted. But do we have enough in common? Jaron wants a relationship; he’s been very clear about that. Saying yes to prom could be saying yes to my first boyfriend. Do I want that, right before I’m getting ready to leave for college?
My phone dings for a third time. It’s from Ethan.
U wanna hang 2nite?
I cry out and toss my phone across the room. Mom has to jump out of the way as she pushes open the door. She glances at my phone lying on the carpet. Sirius approaches it cautiously and growls. As though protecting me from the offensive object.
“Emma?”
My confusion and frustration finally break and I can’t stop the tears as they stream down my face.
Mom moves forward and wraps her arms around me. “Oh, honey, what happened?”
I can’t speak. I just point at the mess of papers on the floor and my phone, still being interrogated by Sirius.
She sits beside me and takes both my hands in hers. She looks at me and breathes slowly and calmly. Soon I’m breathing in unison with her. My tears of frustration ebb until they stop flowing. My ragged breathing normalizes. I’m looking straight into Mom’s eyes and she smiles.
“There,” she whispers. “Are you feeling better now?”
I shrug.
Mom points to my pajamas. “The girls are going to be here soon,” she says. “Are you going to be ready to go?”
I take a deep breath. “I can’t do this,” I say.
“Can’t do what? Go dress shopping?”
“I can’t decide on who to go to the dance with. I’ve been gathering lots of data, but the decision isn’t getting easier. I’ve tried lists, and pros and cons, and comparing the dates to eachother,” I say, covering my face with my hands. “I don’t want to hurt anybody,” I add, sniffling.
Mom pulls my hands back down and smiles. It’s not a condescending smile or even a smile of amusement, which I’ve gotten used to. She smiles softly and looks straight into my eyes again. It’s as though she is saying I love you without words and I’m completely taken aback.
“This is my fault,” she says softly.
My mouth drops open. I lean forward. I couldn’t possibly have heard her right.
“You’re so worried about making everyone else happy and making the right decision for everyone but yourself, that you’re stressing out and you aren’t thinking straight. The only thing that matters is your happiness. Who doyouwant to go with?”
I can feel the tears welling up again. “I don’t know!” I cry.
“Shhh,” she pats my leg and tries to comfort me.
“You do know,” she says, nodding slowly. “You’re trying to use science and logic and data to figure out this problem. I know you have an engineer mind. But this time, you can’t use your mind. You need to follow your heart.”
I’m not sure what to say. Mom continues.
