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“Breasts without nipples,” Helen said sadly. “I’ll look like I have an ass on my chest.”
I thought she was making a joke at first and chuckled until I realized she was serious.
“You’ll look the same in clothes,” I pointed out. “Nobody will be able to tell the difference.”
Even as I said it, I remembered what Cora had said to me:What are you going to do, keep your shirt on whenever you have sex for the rest of your life?Helen was only fifty-six, and although I’d seen her as a motherly — or even grandmotherly — figure, of course she would want to have a social life. Why shouldn’t she?
Helen sighed.
“I suppose it’s better than being dead,” she said. “Let’s schedule the surgery.”
The doctor opened a new system on his computer and scrolled through the dates.
“Your cancer’s growing fast. I’d recommend doing it sooner rather than later,” he said. “How does next Wednesday sound?”
Helen looked at the ground and gave a small nod.
“Let’s book that in,” the doctor said.
* * *
Xavier was still waitingfor us when we came out, with one leg crossed over his other knee, reading a magazine.
“How’d it go?” he asked, and Helen sighed. She looked exhausted now; she’d been holding herself together for the doctor and now that we were out of the room, she didn’t have to pretend to be okay anymore.
“As good as can be expected,” she said. “Surgery’s scheduled for next week.”
“That’s good news,” Xavier said, and placed the magazine back on the stack he’d taken it from. “It sounds like they’re taking it seriously.”
“Yes,” Helen said, “but they’re removing my breasts, and after the reconstruction, I won’t have any nipples.”
Xavier looked at me thoughtfully.
“What does that mean?”
“It means I’ll be fine if they can remove all the cancer,” Helen said. “But how can I feel like a woman without nipples?” She closed her eyes and rubbed her temples. “Honestly, it scares me more than the surgery. And I’ve got so much to organize.”
“I’ll help,” I said, my eyes on Xavier. “As long as you don’t mind…”
“It’s okay,” he said. “We’ve spread out our appointments, so one of us will be free.”
I was so grateful I kissed him. Xavier’s body stiffened and his eyes widened, and he pushed me away.
“What are you doing?” he asked, still holding my shoulders so I couldn’t get any closer.
“Saying thank you,” I said, feeling stunned. Even though he’d pushed me away once before, my tryst with Jackson had given me more confidence.
I’d been so sure all three men were attracted to me, so his reaction was unexpected.
“You should say it with words,” he said, frowning as I tried not to let him see how crushed I was.
“Thank you, Xavier,” I said, although the sentiment felt hollow now. In the past five minutes, I’d learned that my favorite person needed surgery and one of the men I was attracted to didn’t want me. And on top of that, my ex was out there somewhere, wanting to kill me.
Everything felt hopeless, and despite Xavier’s efforts to pull me into a conversation, I was silent the whole way home.
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EMMA
