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He groans in annoyance but smiles at me and nods before taking a seat next to Lu. They start talking about the zombie game that the two of them have been obsessively playing and I tune them out as I make batches of pancakes.
This has been our life for the last nine years. Well, my life. We have interchangeable guards from the Marshal Office and over the years Aiden has grown up. For the first few years of his life, I was pretty…lonely. The Marshals that were stuck with me were kind enough to help out, probably feeling sorry for the teenage mom.
But they weren’t my friends. And they weren’t my partners.
I actually don’t have any friends. I don’t even go out often. I work from home, drive Aiden to school, and typically make sure that I don’t spend any extended periods of time around other people. I go on runs with Lucas to get a workout in because I can’t force myself into a gym. I order groceries to the house or Lucas goes and picks them up. I don’t…socialize.
Let’s not even discuss the concept of an actual relationship. I haven’t dated in…well let’s just say I’m basically a fucking nun. And I don’t see that changing like…ever. I haven’t even found another person remotely attractive in a decade. And that’s saying something cause some of our guards have been top notch men…they just don’t have my inside twisting up with want.
In a sad but funny way, I’m a completely different person than I was. I don’t even think I look the same as my old pictures. Sure I still have the same peculiar eyes, one green and the other blue,and I’m short as shit. But I don’t have the girlish round cheeks anymore and my body is more curvy. Perks of being a mom I guess.
Shaking off my thoughts, I slide two plates across the island, watching the boys smile and start to devour the chocolatey goodness. I grab a bowl of fruit from the fridge and dig into it. We eat in companionable silence like we do every single morning. It's part of the routine that keeps me sane.
“You got a lot of work today, Kota?” Lu asks as he rubs his belly and leans back with a satisfied groan.
I shrug, “Not sure if anything new came in. I finished most of the work for the week already though. Figure I’ll check in with Spence.”
He nods along and checks his watch, “I was going to grab some steaks from the market for dinner tonight, figure it shouldn’t take long to go out and grab it. You good here or do you want me to call Dave?”
I shake my head, not wanting to be a burden. Plus Dave is literally in the house across the road if I needed something, “We’ll be fine, I’m just gonna get some work done anyway.”
“Can I come?” Aiden asks, his tone is so hopeful that I falter. My automatic desire is to say absolutely not because I can’t stand the idea of him being away from me. It’s hard enough for me to let him go to school. Not to mention the times when I allow him to go to the movies with Dave or Lu. But I know that's ridiculous and suffocating and well…way too helicopter mom. IknowAiden needs social interaction and to be a normal kid. But that doesn't change the way my heart squeezes or my mind races with possibilities.
I glance at Lu who gives me a subtle nod that it would be okay with him. I know for a fact that Aiden would be safe with him, but my anxiety peeks anyway.
“That’s..sure…yeah that’s fine,” I murmur out, shoving my panic down and giving them a forced smile. He deserves to be a kid. He doesn’t need to be locked up in this house with his mom just because she has problems. It's unfair. My problems don’t need to be his.
“Sweet!” He yells, bounding out of the kitchen to get dressed. I watch him go, my heart pounding in my chest.
“You know I’ll watch over him,” Lu murmurs, his weathered gray eyes boring a hole into my head.
I can’t force my gaze to meet his, knowing he will see the panic and the anxiety. Lucas has always seen everything. It doesn’t matter what mask I throw on, Lucas will see it. My fears, anxieties, and worry are all just readable for him. Even if I try to hide it. He knows and he acknowledges it. The guy doesnt let me push away my issues. He’s a firm believer in talking shit out.
“It's fine, Lu,” I reply, forcing another smile onto my lips. “I’m fine.”
He doesn’t reply and the silence feels suffocating as I wash the dishes and start shoving them into the dishwasher. I need to stay busy and make sure that I don't let this stupid panic take away my whole day. It’s weak and pathetic that my emotions get the better of me. Something I have been trying to fight for years and I’m still failing. I know it’s irrational. I really do. My fears are honestly silly but I can’t stop the way my head starts to screamdangerat me. It’s like a slide show of every possible danger or threat that could happen. My brain tells me that if Aiden steps outside of this house without me…there will be a car accident or the market will catch fire or…you get the gist. It’s insane and crazy and I just can't stop it.
“Dakota,” Lu begins in his soft caring tone.
I straighten my spine and turn towards the door, throwing another smile over my shoulder as I reply, “It’s fine, Lu. Be safe. I have work to do so I’ll see you guys when you get back.”
And then I hightail it out of the kitchen like the coward I am. Do you know what’s worse than being overrun with your emotions?
Being too much of a fucking coward to face them.
???
My office is my sanctuary. It’s filled with the low buzz of computers whirling and the light glow of the screens. No one comes in here. Not even Aiden. It’s my safe space. I have it set up specifically to mellow out my overactive mind. Dark gray walls, LED lighting along the floorboards, a big ass comfy chair, and the AC set to freezing. It's perfect and it’s all mine.
Another of my therapists’ grand ideas was to ensure that I have a space within my home where I can feel secure. She went on and on about how having my own space would allow me to acknowledge my emotions without feeling overwhelmed.
What she failed to understand is that I am a workaholic. So mysafe spaceended up being the best way to push away my emotions and focus on something else. I haven't exactly told her that I turned my coping mechanism into an avoidance technique but hey, some things aren't necessary to discuss.
I sit down at my desk and log into my accounts, making sure that I have everything pulled up before I start to get to work. It's going to be a long day if this morning is any indication. Typically when I wake up in a panic, I spend the entire day holed up in my office.
I’m sure that makes me a shitty mom, needing the space and quiet. Ishouldbe spending time with Aiden and making sure that he feels loved and happy. And I will do that…right after I can ensure my mask is in place. I barely kept it together overbreakfast, and now that he is out with Lu, I can tell that my mask is nowhere to be found.
I’m damn near in tears over the idea of my son going to the fucking grocery store. How fucking ridiculous is that? It's probably time to get an appointment on the books with my therapist but I really reallyreallydo not want to. I want to just feel like I am holding onto my sanity without the need for a professional head doctor.
