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Dad,
I am writing to you because there are some things I need to get off my chest. I feel like this is the only way to fully express what I need to say. This letter does not come from a place of malice but of one where I need to heal in order to live.
When you left mom and I was twelve, I came home to your abandonment. Even though you were divorcing mother, you left me that day, as well. You didn’t sit me down and talk to me, but instead, you left without a word. I felt lost, betrayed, lonely, and heartbroken. In my mind, we were the best of friends, close as a father and daughter could be. I was only twelve; I didn’t know what I did wrong to make you leave me. Even though you were still in the same city, you were oceans away in my mind.
One thing that always made our family situation worse, after the divorce, was my birthdays. A should be celebration would turn into a nightmare over who would ‘have me’ on the actual day. You and mom couldn’t be in the same room with each other, so I had to choose, or it was chosen for me. I absolutely hated my birthdays. I didn’t understand why you couldn’t be civil for a couple of hours for me. Why couldn’t you? It was my special day, and it's one that, since then, I still hate. It brings about the memories I want to stay buried deep inside. My sadness eventually turned to anger; that’s why I quit playing softball. I couldn’t stand the sight of the fields where you had been coaching me since I was five. You knew I was angry with you; so, to appease me, you bought me gifts. Gifts never healed the terrible chasm I had in my heart. Buying me broke my heart even more. Gifts were easy for you, but I didn't need that. What I needed was my father.
?I lean back in my chair and look over what I havewritten. Tears escape my eyes once more. I wipe them away with the sleeve of my sweater.Am I doing the right thing by writing this? I’m bringing up all these old feelings that I don’t want to relive.Unfortunately, though, I think Sarah was right. I have to get through this, so I can move forward. I don’t want to drown in this misery any longer. I continue to write and write, getting out all the poison from my system. I let him know how angry I was that he moved on so quickly, how I've always felt like he had to have been cheating on my mother for him to go from her to another within the blink of an eye.
Once I got to high school, you even bought that small house, in hopes I would come live with you and eventually forgive you for breaking up our family. I even moved there trying to mend our relationship. However, that didn’t work either because you left me again, a second time. This time you left me to go live with her. My own father, my best friend, left me again. So, I was alone, again. Any other teenager would probably have loved getting her own house to herself. I didn’t. I saw it as another abandonment. And this time, it was just me that you left. It was hard to believe I was even a lovable, worthy person when my own father left me twice. What had I done to deserve this? What was wrong with me? Was I disgusting or something? I tried my hardest at everything I did to try and get some sort of acknowledgement or approval from you. It was exhausting, trying to be the best at everything. The sad part was I never felt good enough to receive your love again. I always doubted you.
I have carried this pain with me every day since all that happened. I fear to get too close to others because, inevitability, they will just leave me like you did. I loved you like no other and thought you loved me the same way. You broke my heart. I never wanted to go through that again! I dove into books because my reality was so terrible that I needed to escape. I suppose I can thank you for my love of books; however, I still use them as an escape from reality. I understand that some marriages don’t last, but when you grew up in a happy home with parents that don’t fight (or make itknown that they aren’t happy) and then the one I love the most in the world drops the divorce bomb. It shattered everything I knew. I didn’t know who to trust because you hid your true feelings from me.
Having these early experiences in my life has, unfortunately, shaped my decisions, as an adult. After many failed relationships, I believed that was all I was destined for. Sarah has been the only constant in my life. But I can’t live like that anymore. I needed to get these feelings, fears, and insecurities out of my mind, so I can be whole again. I need it. I hope this explains my absence from your life these many years. I wish we would have had better communication. Obviously, I was too young to know how much of a necessity communication really is. But now I know. Thank you for taking this pain from me as you read this letter, even if you never read it. Thank you for no longer having power over my mind and my soul. You are still my father, and I truly hope that one day we will get through this mess of a relationship. I know it can never be the same, but I want you to know I miss those good days. I’ve learned never to take anything for granted. Although you didn’t die, I feel as though a part of you did, the part that was tethered to me. Maybe we can mend that connection. I hope so.
Love,
Lizzie
?I put the pen down and take a deep breath. That brought up old feelings that I had buried deep down, and they all just poured out onto the page before me. I feel like I just unloaded a ton of baggage I’d been carrying for years. I feel… lighter. I feel hopeful. I look back up at the clouds and smile. I’m proud of myself. I’ve been running from this for so long, and I can finally stop, turn around, and face it head on. I’m not saying I’ll heal overnight, but this was definitely a step in the right direction. I check my watch, and I can’t believe I have been writing for two hours. The waitress came by a few times torefill my water, but I didn’t realize I’ve been here that long. I put up the letter and my pen. I leave some cash on the table for her tip, get up, and sling my bag over my shoulder.
My smile returns as I think of Miles. I will get to see him tonight when he picks me up from work. The thought of seeing him again sends butterflies to my belly. He has gotten under my skin in the best way possible. I love him.Do I love him?Yes, I do. I can’t deny it any longer. I know it’s crazy and fast and scary, but I think that’s why they call it, “Falling in love,” because you jump into the unknown with your eyes closed and hope they’ll be there to catch you. And I know he will be. Miles will be there to catch me. Well, he already has.
???
The shift tonight has been a disaster since the minute I walked in the door. We have been so busy, on top of having two new servers training tonight. They would accidentally bump into everything. Food and drink trays were knocked over. I got covered in alcohol. Trinity, a waitress that’s been here as long as me, got a tray of salads knocked onto her. She didn’t hold her tongue, and I think the whole restaurant heard her curse at one of the new girls. Our manager was rushing around putting out figurative fires all night long. Everything has been so hectic, and I haven’t had a chance to check my phone all night. Normally, I can sneak away and text Miles or at least read a message that he’s sent me. I forgot to tell him what time I get off, so I’ll probably just end up walking home tonight even though my feet are killing me. I don’t want to have to wait for him to get here when I can walk faster. My last table finally leaves, and I cash out my tickets and begin cleaning up my station. The bar stays open a while longer than the rest of the restaurant, so there are still customers there, but none that I’ve got to deal with. I take my tickets and payments to my manager to sign me off for the night, so I can go change out of these nasty work clothes. I grab a trash bag on my way to theback because I need to wash my uniforms, especially the ones from tonight. I just want to shower this night off me. I open my locker, take out my phone, and see I have a message from Miles. Instantly smiling by just seeing his name on my screen, I open the message.
Miles:Hey beautiful, sorry I won't be able to pick you up tonight. Sebastian and I have to go to dinner with a new investor that we have been trying to sign with us. I sent Thomas to you, so he’ll be waiting outside when you are finished. Hope you have a good night. I will call you later. xo
?I smile at his text but can't help but be a little disappointed that Miles won't be here to pick me up. I was hoping I could wake up with him on my birthday tomorrow. I know he’s busy and is working hard to make sure that Knight Publishing Company stays at number one nationwide. I can't imagine the stress he is under in that position. Even being groomed to take over doesn't take away from the stress of having to step into his position because of the passing of his father.
?I send a text to Sarah telling her I will be home soon. I'm not sure if she has plans tonight or not. She has been secretive the past few days when I mention my birthday. I know she’s got something planned and was hoping to find out what, so I can psych myself up for it.
Lizzie:Heading home soon. Thomas is dropping me off, so no Miles tonight. Are you home?
?I put my phone down and change clothes. I grab my jacket and bag, then shut my locker. Grabbing my phone and the dirty uniforms, I walk through the restaurant and out the front door. Just as Miles said, Thomas is waiting right out front. Once he sees me, he’s out of the car in a flash and has the back door open for me with a huge smile on his face.
?"Good evening, Miss Brighton."
?"Good to see you, Thomas. Please call me, Lizzie." I slide into the warm car and wait while Thomas walks around to get in the front. "Thank you for picking me up. I could have walked easier than you having to wait out here for me."
?"No, ma'am. I don't mind waiting at all. This time of night isn't a suitable time for a young lady to be walking the streets. It isn't safe."
I nod because I know I won't be able to argue with him. He works for Miles, after all, and it's on his insistence that I do not walk home. It doesn’t take long to get there. By the time we park, snow has begun to drift slowly down. He walks me up the stairs to my door, even though I insist I’m fine.
?"Thank you again, Thomas. And thank you for the coffee this morning. It was wonderful."
?"You are very welcome, Miss Lizzie."
?"Have a safe drive home," I call out to him as he descends the stairs back to his car.
When I open the door to the apartment, I don't hear Sarah. She never wrote me back, so she must be out. I kick off my boots inside my room, and then I start a load of laundry. Once I get that going, I grab a wine glass from the kitchen cabinet, open a bottle of Moscato, and pour myself a large glass. Taking a quick shower, I wash the ick and grime of work off me. Washing between my legs, I feel the soreness from last night and smile as the memories flood into my senses. That was the best sex I have ever had in my life. Not that I am an expert, but damn it was good. I rinse off, wrap myself in a towel, and go to my room to put on something warm and comfortable. With my wine in hand, I take out my phone to message Miles.
Lizzie:Just getting home and out of the shower. Are you still out?
?As I am waiting for him to respond, I see that Sarah sent me a message while I was in the shower.
Sarah:I am out with some coworkers. I will be home soon. Not trying to stay out all night tonight. Love ya.
