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“Which church do you go to?”
“Three Maples.”
He nodded, having heard of it.
“What about you, what do you guys do for fun?” I couldn’t wait to hear about him.
“I like to go for walks, check out new coffee shops, and I really love to travel. Last year I went to Machu Picchu for five days with a college buddy of mine. Thisyear we are planning on going to Alaska in July to visit Denali.” He had stars in his eyes when he spoke of it, going on about it being the highest peak in North America. But suddenly the conversation turned solemn. “I had a brother who died when he was just a teenager. It was his dream to travel and see the world, not mine. But when he died, I promised I would make the most of my days. I found a list of his dream trips and every year I’ve tried to do at least one. I couldn’t start until I was out of college and working, so I haven’t made it that far down the list, yet.”
I nodded, drinking it in. Despite my best judgment, I let a secret of mine slip.
“I lost someone, too.” The air stood still. I never wanted to lead with grief and loss, but having it is significant. It becomes a part of you, threaded in your DNA. While I didn’t want to share, I realized I wanted toconnectwith Eli. And we did, on that level. He didn’t ask who, and I didn’t share, but he lightly put his hand on mine for a moment. It was the universal “I’m sorry for your loss” gesture, and in return, I put my hand on top of his, so it was sandwiched for a second. His hand felt very masculine, aligning perfectly with my own. It made my palms tingle like they would start sweating profusely.
Then I let go, suddenly worried that I had clenched his hand a littletoo hard, never wanting to let it go. He pulled his hand away.
No, I didn’t want him to fear that he was never getting his hand back, like a vending machine fiasco.
He hadn’t directly inquired about my loss since I let it slip about my grief, but I didn’t want our play date to end like this. I regretted saying anything at all and wished I could just start over.
“What I said before… about losing someone?” He turned to face me as I spoke. “It was a long time ago. I’m past it now.” And then the word vomit encroached in my throat. I tried to swallow it, but my mind had a tricky way with words sometimes, and like my announcement at work yesterday, I sometimes had an out-of-body feeling where I’d become someone else. Someoneconfident. Fearless. Outspoken. Without fear of repercussions. You know, the opposite ofwho I really was.
“It was my fiancé. But I’m ready to find a new one.” I tried to stop the words from jumping out, but they did. The worst part? The tone of my voice. I was trying to sound dainty, delicate, andfeminine,but my throat went dry, and I sounded like a black widow who chain-smoked cigars laced with helium.Why, oh why, Lord must I come off so… desperate?
“I mean, I’ve let go from the loss. I will never forget him, but it was a long time ago.”
To my relief, Eli nodded and lingered. “Thank you for sharing that with me. I was engaged once as well.” The oversharing had begun and I was here for it.
“It was about seven years ago. We met in college but didn’t start dating until senior year. We got engaged quickly, right after graduation, but two days later she showed up at my doorstep with a letter explaining why she couldn’t marry me.”
“Did you read it?”
“You are the first person to ask me that.” He gave me a look like I’d never seen. It was surprise and sadness. “I put the letter away for almost a year. And then one day, I decided to read it. She said she couldn’t marry someone outside of her faith. She hoped I’d convert to her religion but wanted it to be genuine. She wanted me to want it for myself, not just a relationship prerequisite. I was interested, and I took a few classes at her church as an ‘intro to the Bible’ sort of thing. I did feel pressure. But ultimately, it was so important to her that she couldn’t wait around for it. I totally understood.”
I agreed with her, wholeheartedly. But now I had to know.
“What religion is she?”
“Christian.” My heart dropped.
While I was open-minded to anyone because we all start somewhere, Iprayedto find a Christian man I could learn from and grow with. I looked at the ground and moved a few rocks around with my muck boots. The dogs were tiring; nearly an hour had passed somehow with these glum topics, and I, too, was feelingtired.
“To have someone end things over a belief system really opened my eyes.” Eli, to my surprise, continued. “The timing of reading the letter was weird. I told you I waited a year? Well, that evening, I had a college friend call—the one I travel with, he told me he’d just been ‘saved.’I didn’t know what that meant until he explained this newfoundgrace.He asked—he begged me to go with him that night to a college-aged group at his church, and I agreed.”
My heart was pounding. I was hooked on his words and the more I listened, the more I hoped it had the result I so deeply wished for him. For me.
“I never stopped going. Now, I am the leader of that group, bringing college-aged kids closer to the word of God.” Fireworks went off in the distant portions of my mind. “Do you want to hear the craziest part?”
I wasn’t sure I did. I got what I came here for: an unspoiled crush on a handsome guy.
“My old fiancé… Carolyn,” What does she have to do with this, I wondered… “She’s just gotten back in touch with me.”
“Absolutely bonkers,” meaning myluck,or lack thereof with men. I felt defeated. Tired. Empty. Here was someone who could very well be my perfect guy, but I remembered my prayers. Could God be showing me the doors are not all open here? Yes. And no matter how hard it was to move on from these situations, I trusted His timing, His will, and His design for my life—not mine. It was good to remember that if it were up to me, I'd have been married off at 14 to the lead singer of a boy band. And not every relationship has to be romantic. I took a deep breath, and decided to enjoy this for whatever it was and just relax.
He looked at his watch. Accepting that this was ending, I looked at mine.
“Are you working today?” He asked, showing genuine interest.
“I’m taking time off. ‘Paw-ternity leave.’ It's a new benefit at work.”
