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‘Well, we need to get it confirmed. I’ll make an appointment for you.’
Cara’s shoulders sag and her face softens into the smallest of smiles as she whispers, ‘Okay. Thank you, Kyle.’
‘Are you fuckingkiddingme?’ Valerie shrilly interrupts. Her twisted expression makes her look fifty. ‘She’s nineteen and pregnant. Thewhoredoesn’t know who the father is!’
‘Now, Valerie, that’s no way to talk to a future mother, the bearer of your grandchild,’ I say placidly.
‘Grandchild?’ There’s a hitch in her voice.
‘Yes, Granny Valerie.’
‘Granny?’ My wife pales, eyes wide.
‘We need to turn your walk-in wardrobe back to a bedroom,’ I say, trying to hide the glee in my voice. ‘A nursery.’
‘My wardrobe…? Nursery?’ Valerie’s voice is high pitched. I wish I had recorded this – it has pure comic value.
‘We need to be close to the baby and help out at nights, we can’t expect Cara to do it all on her own.’ I smile down at Cara and pat her head fatherly. My stepdaughter beams up at me.
‘Are you insane?! You – you are NOT ruining my life!’ My wife’s panicked words echo between the walls.
‘It’s your responsibility as a grandmother to help out, Valerie! And we need to make this house safe for a toddler, so all your cactuses need to go…’ Her eyes follow my outstretched hand as I point at the plant next to the fireplace.
‘No way, NO WAY!’ She fists her straightened hair. ‘I am not having a baby take over my life – or my house!’
‘My house,’ I say calmly.
‘You-you…’
‘Myhouse, Valerie. I am not kicking Cara onto the street when she’s pregnant.’
She scoffs. ‘Oh, this is your dream come true, isn’t it? You always wanted afuckingbaby. Always going on and on about extending the family.’ She visibly shudders but then her eyes suddenly widen and her mouth drops open. ‘You – you did this, you got her pregnant!’
My heart stops for a moment, but I keep my voice artic as I say, ‘Jesus, Valerie, what do you think of me? You think I would sleep with my stepdaughter?’
Her eyes and her pointy finger go from me to Cara and back. ‘That’s why you’ve been so happy lately, you’re fucking my daughter!’ Valerie screams.
‘Mum! Just eww!’ Cara’s face scrunches up. ‘He’s like,old!And he wears sweatpants, like,allthe time.’
I struggle to keep my face neutral from Cara’s acting skills at the same time as sweat is beading at my temples. I’ve been fantasising about Valerie walking in on me fucking her daughter, dreaming about making my wife realise I’ve made just as big a mockery out of her as she’s made of me. But that’s not my dream anymore. My dream is growing in Cara’s belly. Valerie keeps looking back and forth between us, suspicion clear in her eyes. I swallow tightly. This could ruin everything.
‘Seriously, Valerie. You know she’s not my type. She’s…’ I clear my throat and hate the next words that come out of my mouth. ‘She’s not as…thinas I prefer my women.’
Cara blanches and I cringe on the inside. I’ll make it up to her later. But my comment worked, as Valerie straightens and runs her hand down her own skinny frame.
‘Well, I guess that’s true.’ Her eyes travel down my worn work-out clothes and she frowns. She turns to her downcast daughter. ‘And you’re right, Cara,’ Valerie concedes graciously while looking down her nose at her. ‘Ididteach you to go for a bit more class.’ Her voice rises and the corners of her mouth tilt down. ‘But I also taught you to not get fucking pregnant! You have no idea what it entails, the sleepless nights… Oh god, the smell of baby vomit.’
The master of swallowing cum gags.
‘You’ve done it before,’ I say while I quietly sigh, relieved the focus has shifted. If Valerie was truly on to us, it could ruin everything. I need to increase the pressure on my wife, so I place my hand heavily on her shoulder, look her straight in her eyes and emphasise every word as I say, ‘Of all of us, Valerie,youwould be the expert on how to cope with ascreaminginfant.’ She flinches. ‘How to change dirty,stinkynappies and wipe down smellybabyvomit.’ I squeeze her shoulder, and her legs almost buckle. ‘No more sweet lunchtime cocktails or late nights out. You’ll be neededhere, in the house, at home, Granny.’
Her eyes almost pop out of her sockets and her hands are back to fisting her hair. She mutters, ‘No, no, no, no,’ to herself. Then she screams and swats my hand off her shoulder. ‘My life is ruined, RUINED, I had plans! I had everything worked out! And then you…’ She’s back to pointing, this time at me, while snarling. ‘YOU turned out to have NO money! I was supposed to be queen of a castle, not stuck in a dilapidated, run-down, piece-of-junk ruin of a house. I wanted to have garden parties.’ Her chin wobbles. ‘Champagne receptions. But you and yourfuckingsweatpants ruined my plans! And now you,’ she shifts her crazy to Cara who takes a step back. ‘YOU – YOU… waaa!’ Valerie screams, pulling her hair. ‘I can’t take this.’ I watch in amazement as she walks in a circle, screaming. She stops abruptly. ‘I have to go. I can’t take this anymore. I’m leaving.’
Hands straight out in front of her, as if pushing obstacles out of her way, she storms out of the room, leaving only the scent of her perfume behind and the sound of thumping feet up the stairs. I can only just stop myself from laughing.
‘Wow, I think we broke her.’ I chuckle under my breath while my shoulders sag as if five years of burden has been dropped from them.Damn, I think I’m finally free of my wife. I wish I had that whiskey to celebrate.
‘She’s right, though, isn’t she, Kyle?’
