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“Come on,” I urge.
“Fine. It really fucking bothers me.”
I wait and stare until he finally answers.
“Fuck—itdrives me crazy.”
Pitching forward, my hands tighten on his biceps. “Don’t hold back.”
“You’re asking for a lot.”
“And I don’t care.”
His eyes dunk into darkness. “When I see you inconvenienced, it gets to me. Because I shouldn’t let it happen. You have no idea how highly trained I am, butI knowI can make it better or make sure no inconvenience happens in the first place. Nothing has to bother you when I’m around.”
I can’t look away. I’m holding myself so tight that it aches all over. There's all this competence porn bowling me over.
“Tell me how you want your days organized, and I'll do it. Take my private room and keep it. Give me the parameters of all the adventures you want to see, and I'll get it organized. Need someone to do research? I got it. Give the answer to your happiness, and I'll execute it all.”
“Why?” I breathe out. “Why do I matter?”
If I was in my right mind, I wouldn’t speak such a desperate question, but I’m not in my right mind. I’m enthralled and about to be swallowed whole.
“The reason…” Huan says evenly.
Someone walks by us and whistles. Such a stupid, silly thing, but it brings everything back into clarity. I see it in Huan’s expression and mirrored back on my own. The hostel wall I’m up against is stamped with posters, the woman behind us clanks on her laptop, and people with loaded backpacks and crumpled maps search for the kitchen.
Huan’s eyes go wide. The rapid blinking is back. “What are we doing?”
“I don’t know!”
Just as suddenly, I am alone. Huan has set me back on my feet and is standing half-turned from me. I stare, and when he finally looks back at me, his expression has cleared.
“The reason I care”—his voice is back to being mild—“is because it’s my duty.”
“Thank you for reiterating the obvious!”
The language of our words is combative, but my heart is tender. Like if we don’t say the correct thing now, something goes tilted between us, and I can’t have that happen.
“Your request”—I tip my chin upwards—“works for me. If you want to be privately aggravated whenever something hurts me, I won’t think you are toxically masculine. I’ll… let you acknowledge it, when appropriate.”
The quiet gratitude in his nod soothes a sting I can’t locate.
“Just so you know,” I continue. “You being in pain bothers me, too. When you told me about your sister last night, I got lost.”
He rocks back as if undone. “Komal—I—I don’t need you to feel sorry for me.”
“Sorry isn’t enough. I haven’t said it because it’s not enough. Tell me what I can do to help. Rely on me, too.”
I add, “And in private, I’m so mad it happened. You don’t deserve to lose such a precious person in your life. I wish—I wish I could undo it.”
Not knowing who reaches out, we jerk apart as soon as our fingertips graze. Clearly, whatever is happening, we need to steer back to being normal. On cue, my stomach rumbles.
“Let’s eat lunch because I’m starving.”
The absolute relief on his face as we head to the kitchen is a blow. Whatever is happening, he doesn’twantit to happen.
I have to remember that.
