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FINN
“Fuck.” I lean back in my home office chair and rake my fingers through my hair as I see the drama unfolding on the Internet in front of me, completely out of my control in a way that I really hate. I knew that going on social media was going to be a bad idea, I could feel it deep in my gut, but I ignored that feeling and clicked online anyway. And now, I have to reap the side effects of that. Although I might have felt that this was going to be bad, I never could have predictedthis. “Fucking… shit. Fuck.”
I can’t believe what I’m looking at. This is a nightmare coming goddamn true. I blink a few times, trying to wake myself up, but unfortunately, it’s still there in front of me, crushing me from the inside out, stealing the air from my lungs completely.
Nicole Smith: Me and Jon are having a baby!!! So excited, OMG. We’re going to be parents, can you believe it?!
I feel sick. I actually grab my stomach and lean forward to try and not puke all over the floor. Nicole Smith, my fucking bitchof an ex-wife, is having a baby with the man she cheated on me with. The two people who wrecked my marriage are getting happiness at the end of it. They are the bad guys. This isn’t right.Ishould be the one happy here… with someone. They should have bad Karma for what they did to me. I mean, I didn’t even see it coming. I didn’t think there was anything wrong in my marriage. Not until I caught them in bed together. Now, over a year after the divorce, they are still together and I’m…
Well, I don’t want to think about the position that I’m in. I don’t want to think about how alone I am. It sucks.
“She didn’t even want a baby,” I cry out in sheer anger. “I wanted us to have kids and she said no. So, why is she pregnant?”
My God, she must have just not wanted to have a baby withme. I must have been the issue. That stings more than finding her in bed with someone else, knowing that she wanted kids. Just not with me. I mean, what’s wrong withme? I would make a great father. I’ve always wanted a family of my own, I’ve always wanted to be a dad, and I thought that I would be by now. I didn’t expect to find myself a thirty-eight-year-old man with a divorce behind me and no child. This isn’t supposed to be me.
God, I’m hurt. Angry and hurt. This cuts me like a knife. And now I have to carry this feeling with me to the office, to work where I’m the boss and I need to be the strong man and in control. Today is going to suck. I hate the Internet.
I shouldn’t even be connected with Nicole anymore. I need to get rid of her. I need to cut her out of my life completely. I only have her so I can hear gossip at the same time as everyone else. I hate it when I have to be told stuff by other people. It’s embarrassing.Thisis going to be hell. All of our mutual friends are going to want to know what I feel about it all.
Urgh. I don’t know what I feel, and I sure as shit don’t want to discuss it with other people, but they won’t get that.
“Stop looking,” I growl at myself as I click off the comments. I don’t need to see everyone happy for Nicole. “Who cares?”
I switch the computer off completely, not wanting to seeanythingon the Internet anymore, and I grab my car keys, ready to leave. Next time I feel my gut instinct telling menotto do something, I will listen to it. I have to in the future.
I’m so lost in my thoughts that I barely notice my next door neighbor, Bill West, until he calls out his greeting to me. Instantly, I feel my mood lighten a little bit. Bill is a good friend of mine. He’s a nice guy and has been a great neighbor since I moved to this house just after my divorce. I like his happy spirit. It always makes me feel a lot less stressed. His wife, June, is nice too.
“How are you, Bill?” I call out to him. “Oh, those boxes aren’t because you’re moving house, are they?”
“No, you aren’t getting rid of me that easily.” He chuckled. “These boxes belong to Stella. She’s moving back home.”
“Ah, she’s finished college? That’s good. I know you and your wife have missed her terribly while she’s been gone.”
I haven’t ever had the chance to meet their daughter, but I’ve heard a lot about her. Stella West is the apple of her dad’s eye, and her parents are very proud of her for everything that she has achieved in college. This is all a nice distraction from the shit show that my life is becoming.
“Here she is.” Bill points to his daughter as she comes into view with a box in her hands as well. “Stella, this is Finn.”
Holy shit. I’m not expectingthis. As soon as Stella comes into view, my heart stops beating in a very shocking way. Stella is gorgeous. Petite and curvy, with flaming red hair, piercing blue eyes, and a smile that makes my heart sing. Shit, I’m struck. Gobsmacked. Unable to say a damn word. She’s strikingly beautiful, heart-stopping in a way that she definitely shouldn’t be. Iknowthat this girl is only in her early twenties and my friend’s daughter, but she’s making me feel things that I haven’t in a very long time. Maybe not even ever. I actually can’t get a word out because I’m so stunned by her.
“Hi, Finn, my name is Stella.” She reaches out her hand for me to shake and grins from ear to ear. “It’s nice to meet you at last. My dad has talked about you a lot. I know he’s excited to have someone so awesome living next door to him.”
Anxiety crashes through my system as I reach out to shake her hand. I almost expect the jolts of electricity now, but they are still far more powerful than I thought they would be. I have to snatch my hand away because they’re so intense. I don’t know whether Stella can feel them too because I can’t bear to meet her eyes. Humiliation and awkwardness overwhelm me.
I’mneverlike this. I shake hands all the time in business. It’s a massive part of what I do. I’m also fine with talking to women. I talk to women all the time, in all kinds of circumstances, and I include flirting in that.Notthat this is flirting, of course. I don’t know what it is, really, but the whole experience is making me hot and bothered in ways that I don’t want.
“Hi, Stella, it’s great to meet you too. Obviously, I have heard lots of great things about you as well.”
There’s a little beat of awkwardness between us before she takes her stuff inside the house and leaves me with Bill. Guilt floodsme as I turn back to my friend. I seriously hope that he can’t see how strange I’m acting around his daughter. He will wring my neck, tear me apart, and kill me. I’ll deserve it as well. That will be the worst thing about it all.
“So, yeah, she’s back and looking for work.” Bill laughs awkwardly. “Things kind of fell through with what she had arranged before, so we’re trying to find ways to pick her back up. A roof over her head and things like that.”
“You guys are great parents.” I nod and smile at Bill. “I’m sure you’ll be able to help her sort things out. I mean, we all make plans and suffer setbacks, don’t we? We all have our ups and downs in life. But people can pick themselves back up.” I glance toward the house to where Stella vanished only moments before. “Stella seems like a tough cookie. She will be fine.”
I start to head toward my car because I have a funny feeling that if I keep talking to Bill I will end up dropping myself into it by saying something dumb. If I even make a slight comment that will show Bill the effect that his daughter has had on me, then I’m going to lose my friend. I like my neighbors too much for that. I don’t want to lose their friendship.
As soon as I’m in the car alone, I’ll be able to wrap my head around this better. I’ll be able to figure my feelings out and put them in the appropriate box. Then I can face Bill again without feeling like a total creeper.
