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She glances down at herself and laughs as she admires the expensive black material swishing round her. It looks gorgeous on her and catches her curves in an amazing way, which I really enjoy. Almost as much as I admire the plunging neckline which shows me just enough of what I desperately want to see. This is totally worth every penny and is also worth every moment spent sitting in the store with her. I could honestly sit by the changing rooms and wait for Stella to try things on for her whole life. Since she looks good in everything, even things she isn’t too convinced of herself, I always think she’s beautiful.
But in this ballgown, in this dress that’s absolutely gorgeous, she’s elevated. She’s on another level of beauty. I can’t believe that I’m actually looking at her. She doesn’t seem real, and she’s definitely too stunning to be with me. But she is here, she is with me, and she’s looking at me like I am just as special to her as she is to me. It’s delicious to be looked at like that.
“I should have known, shouldn’t I?” She waggles her eyebrows. “Plus, you seem to want to spoil me this weekend as much as you possibly can, so I should have guessed that you would bring me to a place like I’ve never been to before.”
“Well, since you didsucha good job at the meeting, you deserve a treat,” I assure her, and I’m being honest as well. I really was impressed watching her in that meeting, talking to those stuffy business guys in a strong and confident way which made them really listen to her. She held her own in a world where it’s hard to get noticed. “The dress, the dinner, all of it.”
“This is like a real date, isn’t it?” she declares. “The first time we have ever done anything like this.”
“I know.” That does make my heart sink just the littlest bit. Just knowing that we won’t be able to do this at another random moment. Only if we’re away at a place like this. Stella and I won’t ever be able to be just accepted, would we? Not living where we do, so close to her family. “I know. It’s nice. It’s nice to justbe.”
She catches my eye, and I see the same realization on her face as well. I seriously want to address it and come up with some kind of solution, but how can we? Thereisno solution. This is simply fleeting, a moment that will pass us by. Even if this feels like heaven right now, it won’t be that way for long. But we knew that, didn’t we? We’ve always known that. So, why would it nowbe an issue? I need to buck up and focus on the here and now because that’s all we have. This moment is everything.
I mean, this is what we came for, isn’t it? This is what we’re here to focus on. This moment is going to be a turning point for us, a changing moment where we can turn everything around one way or another. It’s supposed to be a happy getting it out of our system thing, not a sad moment where my heart will end up broken, shattered into a million pieces.
I don’t want to be broken and I don’t want to break Stella, either. To be honest, none of this feels fair. It doesn’t feel fair that the one person I have a real connection with and could see a future with isn’t the one for me. And not for any good reason, either, nothing within our control. We’re going to be torn apart by outside circumstances, which is a killer.
“So, what are you going to eat?” I pick up the menu and examine it closely. “Do you want wine to drink?”
“Ooh, well if you’re going to spoil me, then I would definitely love some wine. Thank you, Finn.”
“Well, since this is a celebration, then maybe even champagne would be better. What do you think of that?”
We dive straight into normal conversation, taking off the edge of what’s next, which I find preferable and I can see that Stella does as well as she relaxes. Focusing on the pair of us, on the right now, it’s so much better. And it’s easy to focus on Stella right now because she’s absolutely stunning. Those long, dark eyelashes, her piercing blue eyes, the beautiful red strands of her hair cascading down by her cheeks… her smile… oh, wow, that smile. It’s her smile which drew me in instantly. Sure, it was herbeauty as well and the sex appeal which rolls off her in waves, but her smile… that’s what I love most of all.
It’s what I will miss as well, when all of this comes crashing to an end. Without thinking much about it, I grab my cell phone to snap yet another picture of her to add to my ever growing collection. I want to capture this moment so I can feel this same way every time I look at it. This warmth in my chest, the heat in the pit of my stomach, is something I want to have with me forever. No other woman has ever made me feel this way before. I must have never felt love before, not really. I thought that’s what I had with Nicole, but I was wrong. No wonder things fell apart with us. It wasn’tthis, that’s why.
If Stella and I were allowed to be together, then nothing would ever come between us. I know that with utter certainty. It wouldn’t even need to be a case of trusting her, because nothing could ever feel as good as this does. Nothing.
There is a heavy atmosphere between us through dinner. I start to notice it after a while. It doesn’t matter how lighthearted the conversation is. It remains thick and heavy over us like a dark cloud, threatening to erupt into a storm at any given moment. I don’t want it to burst, though. I’m doing everything I can to keep it at bay because I just want joy.
“Shall we get dessert here?” I ask Stella once we have finished eating. “Or did you want to go to that donut store you were ogling before?” She looks stunned to the core. “Yes, I spotted you before. I liked the look of them as well.”
“You really doseeme, don’t you?” She cocks her head curiously to one side. “I like that. But not as much as I like donuts.”
“Well, that answers my question, then.” I chuckle as I rise to my feet. “I will just pay the bill. Wait here.”
“Are you sure? I would like to pay some toward it if possible… unfortunately, I’m just an intern at the moment.”
While we both laugh at her joke, that comment does give me pause for thought. Stella really is too good an employee to be working for me unpaid. What I actually want to do is give her a full-time, well-paid position because I know she would love that, and she’s earned it as well. She’s amazing at what she does, there’s no denying it. And that isn’t just because I like her.
Butthe issue with offering her a long-time position leaves us both with a lot of pressure resting on our shoulders. We won’t be able to separate work and pleasure forever. We aren’t really doing the greatest job of it now, and I think if we don’t want any broken hearts and challenging workplace atmospheres in the future, we will have to define what we are.
I don’t think either of us is ready for the definition to end us. I know for sure that I’m not. This is too good to end now.
“Don’t you worry,” I declare instead. “This is all my treat and you know that. I want to pay for dinner.”
Once I’ve covered the bill, I take the opportunity to hold Stella’s hand as we walk down the street. It’s such a simple thing, but it’s really nice for us to be able to do so without the fear of eyes upon us. Our age difference certainly isn’t so large that people who don’t know who we are will pay attention, so we really can just be free. Me and her. The way we could be if we were willing to give up absolutely everything to move away. That’s a lot to sacrifice, and I wouldn’t want to ask Stella to do that.
“This night is amazing,” Stella muses as the moon sends its white twinkle down upon her. “I love it here.”
I wonder if she’s thinking the same as me, going through the same whirlwind and emotional rollercoaster. Perhaps not. Maybe because of her young age, she’s much more able to just take every moment as it comes her way. To just enjoy each second for what it is. That would be better because it would allow her to move on easier. I do want that for Stella.
Will I follow her online to see how things go in the future for her if so? It didn’t exactly help me with recovering from my ex-wife, but then that wasn’t why I kept tabs on her. I wasn’t thinking about moving on, just knowing gossip before I had it rubbed in my face by people wanting to get a reaction from me for some strange reason. This would be different in every single way. My pain would be my own, it could be private, I could be safer within it, but it would hurt more as well.
No, maybe I shouldn’t follow her online. Seeing her go on to do amazing things and live a happy life with someone else might be a bit too intense for me. A clean break will probably be the healthiest thing for both of us.
But I don’t want to think about a clean break. I don’t want to ruin the romance with sadness. I simply want to embrace it. So, right outside the donut store before we go inside, I grab her by the shoulders and spin Stella around so I can kiss her under the moonlight in this glorious moment that’s just for us. Living in the moment without worrying about losing Stella should be so much easier than this, and to be honest, as we kiss, I do find it a little easier. I can switch my thoughts off for a while and simply hold her instead. Luckily, she’s so delightful to touch, to hold onto, that everything else melts away.
