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But I don’t knowwhatI will do. I don’t knowhowI’m going to make this right. I don’t know which way I can go to protect my own heart. Right now, as I sit here, it feels kinda hopeless.
15
FINN
Where is she?Something doesn’t feel right. I don’t know how I know it, I just do. I canfeelit deep within me. There is a reason that Stella isn’t here, and I have a funny feeling that it has to do with me. I mean, shecouldbe off sick like it’s been suggested. The receptionist who answers all the early morning phone calls says that she called in and said that she was ill, but there’s something in my gut that tells me this isn’t quite the truth. I’m not sure why, but my gut is absolutely certain.
I tap my fingers on the desk, drumming along as I stare at where Stella normally sits. She’s been working with me for a little over two months now, and so much has happened in that time. We have been so fully into one another that whole time, with the desire and feelings only growing between us with every passing second. It’s been intense, overwhelming, sometimes to the point where each of us has pulled away a little because we’re so afraid of getting hurt and injuring one another, but it’s never dampened. There hasn’t been one moment that I have been scared of losing her… until now. Now, I feel it in sheer terror.
She’s just off sick.I try my hardest to shut all of this down.Stop freaking out. It’s going to be fine. It’ll be fine. It has to be.
But the hairs on the back of my neck are standing up, my stomach is flip-flopping like crazy, and I don’t like it at all. Possible scenarios keep racing through my brain, and I can’t stand any of them. Bill finding out about us, keeping us away from one another forevermore, scolding her and yelling at her for falling for the wrong man. Stella wanting to pull away from me, wanting another man, getting another job, drifting out of my life in a slow and painful way, ending what I suppose can only end in trouble. As much as it’s heartbreaking, I suppose it’s for the best.Ifthat’s what’s going on here. It’s better for us to fade apart rather than exploding in an epic show-stopping way which leaves us with nothing left. Nothing but memories.
Maybe this has all been a sign for me that I need to take my own love life, myreallove life, more seriously. With a woman I can actually be with. I have been alone, engaging in flings for far too long. Maybe it’s time for me to really settle down.Notthat I can imagine settling down with anyone other than Stella right now, but that’s because she’s consuming me.
Stop staring. I drag my eyes away from Stella’s desk because I don’t want anyone to see me staring. I don’t want anyone to guess that I’m pining for the young woman who is only supposed to be an intern here, learning business.
“Fuck,” I whisper to myself as I realize how tightly wound I am. “Fucking hell, just focus on business, will you?”
I’ve always been good at focusing on what needs to be done. Or at least I was until Stella came along. Now, I can’t seem to focus on anything but her. I’m unhealthily obsessed with this woman who has every part of me twisted up in knots. I want to be able tojust allow her to drift away from me if that’s what she wants, but at the same time, Ineedto know.
If she’s finished with me, then I’m going to have to get her to tell me. I’ll need to hear it from her mouth so I can get closure and move on. I won’t move on easily, I know that much. This is going to take me a whole lot longer to get over than even my marriage because although it’s been shorter and less involved than I was with Nicole, what I feel for Stella is so much deeper.
“But you can’t do that right now,” I remind myself. “You need to get through the rest of the workday first. You need to focus.”
I put my head down and try to concentrate. Ireallywant to concentrate with every part of me. I would love nothing more than to throw my whole self into this work, but I just can’t shut myself up. My brain keeps screaming at me, yelling at me, begging me to listen to my gut and my anxiety. My whole body is utterly convinced that something is going on, and I can’t ignore that.
Should I even ignore that? How many times do people wish that they had listened to their gut? How many bad feelings end up being linked to something real? This could end up being nothing and I really could be overreacting, but if Idoignore my gut and it ends up being more… well, I will never forgive myself. I’ll never recover from sitting here and ignoring it, pushing it away.
I leap to my feet and shove my work to the side, forgetting all of it. It isn’t important now. Not when I have all of these worries surging through my body. No, I need to get my sorry ass in my car right now and I need to get home. I need to go to Stella’s house and find out what’s going on here, whether it raises Bill’s suspicions or not. Which it probably will. Let’s be honest.
“You’ll think of an excuse,” I tell myself as I run out of the office, ignoring everyone when I race past them. Hopefully, they will just think that I have some big work emergency going on, although I’m sure people must know that I’m a little distracted at the moment. I definitely haven’t been myself and my employees must have noticed it. “You’ll think of a way to make this okay.”
I don’t know how convinced I am, even as I get into the car and start to drive. I don’t think I have any goddamn clue what I’m going to say other than ‘well, I’m her boss and I’m worried about her’, which I don’t think will fly. I mean, that isn’t exactly normal, is it? Bosses don’t normally go in to check on their employees at home, least of all unpaid interns. But I need to, Ihaveto.
Stella’s house looks strange as I pull up into my driveway. I can tell that something is different, which of course makes my paranoia even worse. I’m stiff as a freaking board as I force my ass out of the car and head over to the neighbors’ apartment to knock on the door. No one answers at first, but I bang and keep on banging a bit like a madman until the door swings open.
“June!” Immediately, I’m shocked because I wasn’t expecting to see Stella’s mom and I certainly wasn’t planning on finding her in tears. “Sorry, I don’t mean to be in the way, I just wanted to come in to check what’s going on with Stella.”
“Oh, Finn.” She sobs harder, bending double as the agony of whatever is going on gets to her. This makes me feel a million times worse than I already was because now my brain is unhelpfully flooding me with more unwelcome images. “Finn, I don’t know what’s going on. I’m not sure what happened. I don’t know what we did wrong. All we wanted to do was help Stella, but.”
“But what?” I demand, a little harsher than I intend to because I’m so on edge. “June, you need to tell me, what’s happening?”
“She’s gone,” she howls. “Stella is gone. I don’t know why. I don’t know what we did wrong, but she’s gone to stay with her friend, Erin. Erin is a nice girl she went to college with, and she lives in the city, but this is out of nowhere. I thought that she was happy staying with us. Even being an adult and everything. I don’t understand how I upset her so badly.”
Shit. There is a thick ball of emotion lodging in my throat. I don’t think June has done anything wrong. It’s me. I’m the one who has upset her. I don’t knowwhatI’ve done wrong, exactly. She hasn’t given me any clue of anything I could have done, but I can just feel it deep inside my gut. This is what the bad feeling was linked to all day long. I’ve done something wrong and now Stella is gone. She has run away to the city to get away from me. She isn’t sick, she’s just sick of me. She’s done with me.
“Bill has gone after her. He’s going to try and get her back, but I don’t know, Finn. I don’t know about this. Stella… she didn’t seem like herself. She hasn’t been herself for a while, and now I’m scared. I’m really worried for her. I don’t know what to do.”
“I… I.” I should say something comforting here, I know I should. This is the part where I comfort her and reassure her that everything will work out okay in the end. But I can’t seem to get any words out. I can’t seem to say anything at all. “I.”
“Do you know what we did, Finn?” she begs pitifully. “Did she ever say anything at the office? Either to you or other people? You guys are friends, right? Did she even give any reason she might hate living with us and she would just run?”
“N–no,” I stammer. “I don’t think she hated living with you guys at all. Maybe.” Shit, what do I say? “Maybe it was.”
“Well, was she happy at work? I thought that she enjoyed working with you so much that she didn’t mind it being unpaid.” She shrugs her shoulders helplessly. “But maybe I was wrong. Did you see anything that might have made her go?”
Do I tell her? I feel like this should be the moment I spill the beans and be honest just so she doesn’t torture herself any longer, but my mouth is too dry for me to speak. All I can do is match her shrug and hope that she doesn’t push it.
