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“Don’t. It’s not your fault. You’ve paid your dues. I… I just need some quiet time now,” she says, disconnecting her hand from my shoulder and turning to look out the window.
I grant her silence and foolishly wish I could give her a whole lot more.
13
Sienna
“Everything okay?”Matteo asks as he follows me onto the pathway from the guest house to my father’s home.
“Yes,” I lie. Everything has gone to shit.
Yesterday, I lost my virginity to him. The most amazing moment—only to be ruined by the fact I now have to act even quicker. My heart has been having palpitations for hours, and I barely slept. I’m sure he felt me pacing my room.
Tossing and turning on my bed like some cheap fish on a greasy pan.
That’s how I feel.
I can’t be mad at him. It’s not fair. I can still try to persuade him to help me, but I don’t know if our connection is strong enough to ask. And now, I have less time. Dad said when Francesco comes out, he’ll want to meet me.
Great. I need to act fast.I need to find anything I can sell to give me a head start.
Now, I’ll go to my childhood home again with the same excuse, and thankfully, no one has wised up. The only person who questioned me before was Matteo—but I silenced him by offering him to open the donation bags. A small win.
I thread my fingers together, fidgeting. “You know, I can be on my own in my old room. We could use… some space now that things are going to change.” Last night, he slept on the couch, and I was in my bed. So this shouldn’t come as a surprise. A pathetic part of me wanted to invite him to my room, but I fought that urge. I should be mad at him, disappointed. He knows my life is about to end the minute I marry Francesco. But I have to remember Matteo’s not to blame. My father is. Matteo is as much a victim as I am. I sigh, rubbing my palms together, hating how clammy they are.
“Of course. I’ll be in the living room,” he says as we make our way to the front of the house.
Before I knock on the door, Clara opens it. “Oh, there you are. Welcome.”
I smile, and the sinking feeling in my stomach takes over. I’m being welcomed into my childhood home. I’m sure she doesn’t mean anything by it. She’s always been a nice, soothing, if a bit distant, presence.
Now I know why.
Keeping a distance is a strategy. One of the top tips in the mobster life’s unspoken manual.
I’ve failed it.
I don’t want Matteo to get in trouble. He’s fought hard for his freedom. I want him to have the life he deserves. I’m a pathetic softie.
Because I wasn’t fucked-up enough before, now I’m falling for the one man I can’t have. A chilly sensation sweeps over me.
Within a few minutes, I’m back in my old room.
Every time I’m in here, the walls get tighter, the stark reality closing in on me. What’s going to happen if I marry Francesco? The idea of another man touching me is a blade to my heart. Especially after what I shared with Matteo. Even if it’s on my side only, I know I won’t have that connection with anyone else.
I double-check every nook and cranny of the immense doll house as if opening the tiny windows or closet will give me an insight. Then, I go to the walk-in closet and rummage through the cardboard boxes again.
I’ve already revisited the drawings, the number of doll clothes, and the old pictures of us three. The first time I did so, these items took me on an emotional journey. I wasted too much time thinking about each of them and what they meant.
Now, the clock is ticking. There’s no time for reminiscing.
I grab one of the boxes and toss all the items onto the carpet. I reach for the other one, but something catches my interest.
I see something purple and fluffy all the way in the back. The dresses nearly cover it, which is why I didn’t notice it until now. I pull the clothes apart, and then I see it.
The purple Care Bear.
My mother bought it a few months before her death, but she told me not to play with it.We’ll enjoy it together.Soon.The memory sends chills down my spine, and it’s like I just heard her voice again.
