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“Fuck. That’s not what I meant.” I set down Seb’s lunch and pressed my thumb and forefinger to my eyes. Now, I was swearing in front of my kid. “She showed up the same day as Seb, needing a place to stay, right?”
Mum nodded but looked confused.
“Abbie wouldn’t have moved in with me unless she had to, and once she was there, she must have seen how badly I needed help.It’s like that thing—what’s it called when a kidnap victim wants to stay with the person who abducted them?”
Her eyebrows shot up. “Stockholm syndrome?”
“Yeah. That’s it. Stockholm syndrome. Abbie moved in against her will. She got stuck helping me with the baby, and in time, she convinced herself she wanted to stay. She started to believe I had something to offer her. Now she’s seen the light.”
Mum picked up her coffee and took a sip. Her alarm had shifted to amused patience. “Will, that’s nonsense.”
“It’s not.” I picked up the little bowl and concentrated on spooning mush into Seb’s mouth instead of the nausea rolling through my middle. “Abbie never wanted us to be together. Did you know that? She fought it, and I pushed her anyway. And you knowwhyshe fought it? She knew me, and she knew I’d screw it up. I’m irresponsible. Thoughtless. Selfish. It’s in my DNA, right? With a father like mine, I was always going to be a loser. Abbie’s better off without me.”
Only after I’d said the words did I realise what I’d done. I’d never criticised my father so plainly where my mother could hear me, and I didn’t want her to know how much I still thought about my childhood or that part of me blamed her for my father’s mistakes. I glanced at her guiltily.
Mum didn’t seem upset as she shook her head. “Oh, Will. I love you, and I know this is going to be hard for you to hear, but honey—you’re wrong. About all of it.”
“I’m not wrong.”
“Oh, you are. And as badly as I want to make you feel better right now, be prepared to feel a little worse first.”
“I’m listening,” I said, but I was thinking,Oh, Jesus. What else had I done wrong now?
55
Will
“First, I want togive you a piece of advice about parenting, which you are free to take or leave as you see fit.” Mum smiled fondly at Seb. “Make a decision about his mother and see it through. Either sign the papers she gave you or call a lawyer and sue for shared custody. You can’t bully her into his life, nor can you keep on begging. He needs stability and security, and without a legal framework in place, you’re both vulnerable. You know all too well the pain of having a parent drift in and out of your life the way your father was in and out of yours. Don’t be the reason Seb has to live with that too.”
Her words hit me like rocks to the gut. Sharp and painful. This was the first time she’d acknowledged that my relationship with my dad was problematic, but her validation didn’t reverse my hurt the way I’d imagined it would. I was too focused on what else she had to say. Ihadbeen failing my son, and not because I’d been working long hours or missed the fact that he’d been cutting two teeth. He needed me to make a choice aboutHeather, and I’d come up with every excuse to avoid it. Each minute I left the parental rights forms unsigned put Seb’s home with me at risk.
I gazed at my son with a mix of love and fear. I was his father, and he trusted me to act like it. This was one area of my life where I couldn’t accept defeat or settle for the middle ground. I had to sign those papers.
Mum sighed as she toyed with the handle of her mug. “Don’t make the same mistakes I did, William,” she added. “It’s easy to see, in hindsight, that I didn’t always make the right decisions where your father was concerned. I loved him, and I let him set the rules for our relationship and our family. I should have been strong enough to set better boundaries and demand he be a stable presence in your life, but I didn’t do that, and it hurt you. I should have done more to reassure you that aside from the blue eyes and the dimples and the charisma oozing from your pores, you have very little in common with your father. He swindled people. He was dishonest. He charmed his way into hearts and pockets, then bowed his way out without any care for the consequences. He would never have built up a business like you have. He could never have earned the respect of the people in this town the way you have. They’d never have given him the responsibility of hosting a major event in its name.”
The bridge of my nose stung, and I swallowed to push away the catch in my chest. I never expected to hear this from my mother. I never imagined she thought about our past in such detail or had any regrets. She was too positive for that and too ready to believe in the good of the world. Her honesty put my search for validation into perspective. I didn’t need her to take responsibility for my father, but I did need to know she understood.
“Thank you,” I said softly.
Mum nodded once, then smiled with brighter eyes. “Don’t give up, William. Nothing in life is unfixable. You’re determined, you’re honest, and you’re a hard worker. Everybody knows this community is important to you. I think you’ll be surprised at how much people adore you and how willing they’ll be to forgive and forgetif…”
Trepidation settled in my gut and maybe a little hope. “If... what?”
“If you own your mistakes, sweetheart. If you do what your father never did and never could. Take responsibility for your actions—the good as well as the bad—and be a good man.”
She glanced at Seb as if to make a point, and that love and fear swelled again. It never occurred to menotto take responsibility for Seb. I was his father, for better or worse. I’d never give up on my kid.
Mum was saying I couldn’t give up on my business, either. Or this town.
It wasn’t too late. I could fix it.
That just left…
“And as for Abigail—”
“The thing with Abbie is complicated,” I said. “I won’t force her into a situation she never asked for.”
I didn’t say it out loud, but after Tristan’s reappearance in the Bay last night, I’d compared myself to him. It wasn’t the same—nowhere near the same—but wasn’t Abbie compromising herself and her values because that’s whatIneeded, not what she wanted? The thought made my skin crawl.
