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“What do you want, Gloria?”
“I want to apologize,” I say, adjusting my grip on the wheel. “I wanted to tell you about Royal, but I didn’t know how. You came on so strong from the minute you showed up, and it meant so much to you…”
“That sounds more like an excuse than an apology.”
“I’m sorry,” I say. “You’re right. I should have told you. I know it was wrong to keep it from you. I just don’t want you to think I loved him more than you. I didn’t. No one could replace you. You were my first love.”
He snorts quietly, but he doesn’t argue.
I swallow hard, my chest tight. I think about that night in Cotton’s pool house, sliding under Colt to hide. I think about his hands on me, how it felt to be seen again after locking myself away for so long. How it felt to be wanted the way only he has ever wanted me. Not the idea of me, not my innocence or some other claim of possession. He didn’t want to own me. He just wanted to fuck me.
Why don’t people see that the way they see first love, as pure and honest?
I shove the thought away. Tonight, Colt told me never to speak to him again. He told me that was the only way I could help him or his family.
And he’s right.
I glance at Rylan. “I always had this fantasy of us getting back together… It kept me going. I thought as soon as I graduated, I’d go back to Savannah and look you up. And when I saw you in my room that day, I was in shock. Even though you were pissed, I thought we’d get back together and it would be the way it used to be. I wanted to love you the way I used to. I guess that’s dumb.”
“It’s not dumb,” he says quietly, and he reaches over and takes my hand.
I wait for the rush of electricity, for my body to come alive, but I feel only the cool of his fingers. “Are we too jaded for that?” I ask, desperate for that connection we once had, that love. “Is it too late?”
“I don’t know.”
We drive the rest of the way home in silence. I pull into our garage and shut off the Mustang before turning to him. “What now?”
“I don’t know,” he says again. “Do you want to get back together?”
“I want to turn back time,” I say, swallowing the lump in my throat. I can’t say the rest. That I want to take it all back, to erase all of it. Dawson would be alive. Rylan’s dad would be alive. Amber would still talk. Dad would be home. We’d all live in Savannah, and I’d never have come to this hell on earth where the demon twins reign.
“I want that too,” Rylan says, staring at our hands. “I’m sorry too, Lo.”
I bite my lip to stop it from trembling.
Get a hold of yourself, you stupid cunt.
“But we can’t,” Rylan says, tracing his thumb over mine.
“I know.” We haven’t talked like this, really talked, since he moved here. It’s what I’ve wanted, to be close to him, to be honest. “I don’t want to give up on us, though. What we had, that was real. Wasn’t it?”
“Yeah,” he says, squeezing my hand. “It was real.”
“Do you want to try again? Really try this time? Or do you still hate me?”
“I don’t hate you,” he says. “I’m just… I don’t know what I am. I’m fucked up, and pissed, and confused, and I don’t want to think it was all for nothing. I did so much to get here.”
“I know,” I say, my throat tight with unshed tears. I turn my hand over and lace our fingers. “I can’t believe you did all that for me. I don’t want it to be for nothing, either.”
“But if I’m honest, I don’t know if I can trust you,” he says, picking at my thumb with a blunt nail. “You lied to me, Lo.”
“I’m sorry,” I say, a tear finally forcing itself onto my lashes. “I didn’t want to hurt you, and I knew it would. I’m sorry I didn’t wait for you. If I’d known you were waiting…”
I break off, unable to finish. If I’d known he was waiting for me, it wouldn’t have changed anything. The Dolces would have fucked me anyway. I couldn’t have changed that. The only thing I could have prevented was Colt, and god knows I’d change that if I could. I already regret it with every breath I take.
If I’d known it would torment me every day, that I’d have to see him walking around with my friend, kissing her, dancing with her, gazing into her eyes with all the love that will never be mine, I’d never have touched him. I’d give my crown, my reputation, my fucking life to forget the way he has. But I know it’s my karma, my punishment for the evil I’ve done on the Dolces’ behalf. I deserve it. I deserve to suffer with the memories, and he doesn’t, so he got to forget.
If I can’t erase it from my history, at least I can rewrite it when I tell Rylan. He doesn’t have to know the worst things I’ve done. He can still believe that I’m someone worth loving.
