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“I was pissed,” he says. “I wanted to make you hurt like I did.”
“Well, congratulations, you succeeded.” I push open my door and walk in.
Rylan follows me in, all earnest and apologetic now. He could just shove me down on the bed and fuck me like he used to, rutting his anger into me with each painful thrust. Instead, he stands there playing with his wallet chain, looking at me like a kicked puppy.
I feel myself soften, despite my best judgment. We’re all miserable. We’ve all lost people we love. Duke and Rylan, Colt and me. Carrying the weight of my own grief is exhausting, and understanding theirs just feels like too much right now.
“Can we talk?” Rylan asks. “I wanted us to be even, Gloria. I didn’t want it to be over.”
I snort out a laugh. “Are you serious right now?”
“Yeah, I’m serious,” he says with a scowl. “I want to make it up to you, but how can I when you won’t even hear me out?”
“There’s nothing to say,” I point out.
He bites at one of the snakebite piercings in his lip, his eyes downcast. “Can we just start over?”
I sigh. “We tried that, Rylan. It didn’t work.”
“It would be different this time.”
“How?” I ask. “Look, I know it sucks to work so hard for something for so long, and then it doesn’t turn out the way you envisioned. Trust me, I know. You think I planned to sit at your feet every day at lunch like a dog? And then to have my own friends ask me what the fuck I’m doing, and to have to tell them I’m trying to show my remorse so y’all will let me back in? You honestly think Iwantback in? That I’d rather sit there and be humiliated every goddamn day than sit with people who genuinely care about me?”
“The group’s splintering,” he says. “If we got back together now, before Duke comes back, you’d be back in for real.”
I remember Duke saying I could date Rylan, that he doesn’t care what I do now. I have this reckless, careening feeling, the one that makes me laugh like a lunatic at the most inappropriate moments.
“It could be like before,” Rylan says. “I’m not mad at you anymore, so it wouldn’t be like this year. It would be like when we were younger. Back in Savannah.”
He’s offering me the dream, and I see it now, his sunburned shoulders by the pool, our sandy legs tangled on a beach blanket, stolen kisses in the hallway at home and atschool. Except we’re older now, not a couple of kids in love. I’m the school whore. He’s a drug dealer.
But maybe that’s okay. Maybe it would be fun. We’d still be us, but grown up, and instead of our parents nagging us when it was time to go and we weren’t ready, we have our own cars. Instead of cookouts and game nights, there would be sex and drugs.
“Come on, Lo,” Rylan says, stepping closer, cupping my cheek in his palm and drawing my face up. “We’re so good together.”
For a second, I sink into the depths of his forest green eyes, get lost in their mysteries. It would be easy. He’s right about that. School is weird without a Dolce boy to hold the reins. Everything’s crumbling this year. My fall was one of many, just another domino in the line, another chess piece captured. It wasn’t until the king fell that the game was over. Now there’s just a jumble of pieces to be separated, set back on the board, ready for a new game to begin.
If I rose from the ashes, if I was the queen again, it would all be forgiven. People would remember, tell the story of that month when they called me the whore instead of the queen. But they wouldn’t fight it. They’d watch it all unfold with fascination and envy, with eagerness and excitement. They’d say I wasn’t a butterfly but another winged creature, a phoenix who rose from the ashes. They might even like seeing the familiar face of the old queen next to the face of a new king, a boy who never would have been crowned before, someone unexpected who made them a little uneasy.
Is that what Rylan wants? Not just to be popular, but to be king? He knows that I could help, despite my tarnished reputation. I know the ropes, the secrets, the ways to squash rebellions and deal with jealous girls and bitter boys who want what we have and aren’t above taking it if given half a chance.
Rylan leans in, his lips meeting mine, the piercings hard and his skin soft. But when I close my eyes, I see him in this room where I’ve had to sleep, on the bed where he fucked my sisters. I turn my face away, squeezing my eyes shut against the sting, shaking my head to clear the ringing in my ears.
I’m not that girl anymore. Not the one in Savannah who snuck kisses like they were taboo, and not the one who crushed hearts and hopes for two years at this school.
“No,” I say, pushing his chest until he releases me and lets me step back. “You’re with Everleigh now.”
“I’m not with her,” he says. “I haven’t been with her since—that night. I haven’t been with anyone. All I think about is you, Lo. What can I do to get you back?”
I shake my head.
“Please, Lo,” he says, seizing my hand. His eyes are so earnest, so full of hurt, it almost breaks me. “Just give us one more chance. I love you. I don’t want to lose you.”
“I’m sorry,” I say, gently drawing my hand away. “You already did.”
*
I stand in the bathroom after he’s gone. I’ve been out of the group for almost a month, but I was still tied to it. I wasn’t free because Baron wouldn’t let me go. Now Baron’s gone, and Duke’s dismissed me. And Rylan… I cut myself loose from him. I’m cutting myself free from every tether holding me here, untangling myself from the spiderwebs that have trapped me for so long.
