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Dear Beans,
Just a little note to cheer you up. I know you were upset, but you are a very conscientious student, and I am proud of you. It’s a new day. I hope you are feeling better. Things don’t always happen in life as we may want. But the main thing is to learn and to go on and enjoy the next day. I love you no matter what your grade is. Have a nice day, my little girl.
Tons of xxxxs and oooos
Mommy
My dear Beans,
Today is Mother’s Day. Thank you for being such a special daughter and for making me such a happy mother. Thank you for all the joy and happiness you’ve given me. I can’t wait to spend today with you. I’ll love you forever and ever.
Millions of kisses and tons of hugs,
Mommy
Dear Beans,
I could burst, I’m so proud of you and the person you are. I remember your first day of preschool, kindergarten,first grade, etc., etc. Okay, I’ll stop. I’ve so cherished being with you as you’ve continued to grow. Good luck on your first day of high school!
I love you beyond words.
Mom(my)
Beans,
I know there is nothing I can do or say to make you feel better, but I just wanted to tell you again how proud I am of you. It takes a lot of courage to try out for something and a lot of strength to deal with the disappointment of not having your hopes realized. You have such a great personality and inner strength that even with the rough times, you’ll come through smiling. Just know that Dad and I love you and that you’re the star in our home—that’s for sure!
Zillions of kisses,
Mom
Dear Beans,
It’s New Year’s, and I feel like getting sentimental. I always have a hard time explaining to you why I love you so much—part of it is because you’re my child, and I’d love you no matter what. And it’s not just that I’m proud of you for being so pretty and smart. I really like you for who you are—you’re sensitive, loving, have a good heart, have such a great personality, and are fun to be with. I have always loved you, and now that you’re in high school, and even though you might not believe this, I’m enjoying you more than ever! Have a wonderful 1997, my Beans. The coming years as youfinish high school and go to college will be an incredible time of growth for you and new experiences. Enjoy it! And remember, always feel my lovedeep inside of you.
Zillions of kisses and hugs,
Mom
I stop reading when the fountain of tears blurs my vision. I breathe deeply, trying to calm myself, but I can’t stop crying.
I think about the last letter—1997 was not a wonderful year for me. I lost her, and then I lost myself. But mainly, I’m crying because I can feel how deeply she loved me in these letters, and it makes me realize how much I’ve missed her.
I needed to read these letters, not just for my sake but for Eddie’s and Sarah’s too. I needed to know that I did have a loving maternal role model and that I can love a child unabashedly, the same way Pearl said Mom loved me.
I’m struck by how well Momknewme in these letters. She could tell I was a perfectionist prone to anxiety, which I’d later learn are specific risk factors for developing an eating disorder. She knew I needed reassurance that things would always work out.
She also seemed happy with her life with Dad and me. There’s no hint that she wanted to leave him or knew she was going to have to, which means that either she was the best liar ever or that what Pearl said must be true—if she’s still alive, she left because she needed to. To protect us from something—but what? What could she have been running from?
I assemble the letters back into a pile. I feel a sudden, desperate urge to hug both Eddie and Sarah.
As I place the stack inside the box, an unopened letter drops out. It has aReturn to Senderstamp—the returnaddress is Mom’s old office in Santa Monica—and is dated August 27, 1997, a couple months before she died.
I flip the envelope over, and swallow hard when I notice the name on the outgoing address:
Margot Cadell Davis
424 Paulina Street
