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I pull out my phone and look at the most recent photo of Chris and his girl. He may not have social media, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t. My heart breaks all over again every time I do it. That’s why I don’t stop though. Every time I break, I resurface a little bit harder. Eventually, I’ll be unbreakable. I can’t allow myself to trust again.
Chris and I texted off and on for the next month or so. He kept saying he got himself into a situation he didn’t want to be in, implying he was going to end the engagement. There I was all hopeful and stupid as fuck. Right up to the point where he was sexting me again. I ate it right up, believing he loved me. Believing he cared about me. Believing I mattered.
I didn’t.
He could only keep up the charade for so long before I realized he was never ending things with her. He wasn’t coming back to me. Not now. Not ever.
I’m weak though. I keep giving in. It’s why I texted him on the trolley. It’s hard to explain, but it’s kind of like if our relationship wasn’t real, if our love wasn’t real, then what’s the point of anything?
I need to stop though. It isn’t helping me move on. Nothing is. I hope this date will be the first step. A distraction. A break from the pain.
I just need to remember to keep my heart close. No feelings can be involved. I’m still undecided on being physical, so I reach into my bra and pull up my tits, brushing my fingers through my hair to fluff it up, and adjusting my skin-tight dress. Doesn’t hurt to be prepared.
I smile to myself in the mirror, but it doesn’t reach my eyes. They look dead. They have for a while now. I don’t even recognize them staring back at me. Like I’m invading someone else’s body, floating through the motions every day.
I pinch my lips together in a thin line. Oh well, there’s nothing I can do about it now. Hopefully he doesn’t notice.
I find Mack where I left him at the bar, sipping on a beer and watching the game. He asked me to dinner, but I countered with a drink, trying to establish I’m not looking for anything serious right now. He didn’t seem to mind.
It’s been going well so far. Almost too well. That’s why I had to escape to the bathroom. I needed a minute to remind myself what I’m here for.
But what am I here for?
I accept when he offers to order another drink. My blood heats up as the alcohol begins running through my veins, finally allowing me to relax a little. That’s what I’m here for. To relax, to have fun, to take it easy, to breathe.
“So what do you do for work?” he asks.
I knew the question would eventually come around and I’d have to bring up Declan. I fiddle with my glass for a moment, trying to find the right words. I’m obviously not going to mention the kiss, but I can’t just pretend I don’t know they are related. They look too much alike. It’d be weirder if I didn’t mention it.
I clear my throat to stall a second longer. “I uh… I work in supply chain. I work closely with the purchasing and accounting departments.” I fold my hands across my lap and attempt to smile. “That reminds me. I wanted to ask, uhm, are you related to someone named Declan?”
Hopefully that wasn’t too obvious.
He leans his head back and gives me a curious smile. “Yeeaah…?” he asks, dragging out the word.
I give a nervous giggle. “He’s consulting at my company right now.”
“Wow,” he laughs. “Small world. Deck’s my twin brother.” He leans back, folding his arms over his chest. “He’s two minutes older and a half an inch taller, but other than that, I got all the best traits.”
I throw my head back, laughing. “I’d call you cocky, but I mean, you’re not wrong.”
His eyes open wide in surprise. “Oh really?” he laughs.
I reach across the bar and run my finger over his forearm. “Yeah, he’s kind of a grump, huh?” I flick my eyes from his arm to his eyes. “And definitely not as handsome.”
He pretends to shiver. “Ahh, you’re speaking my language now.” He winks before taking a sip of his beer. “What do you have planned this weekend? My family won’t hate me too much when they find out I eloped with my dream girl,” he jokes.
I laugh, but then I squeeze my purse as hard as I can, trying not to show the panic on my face. It was just a joke. I know it was just a joke.
It doesn’t matter though. Him bringing up subjects like marriage or forever sends me into a panic. My mind flashes back to all the words Chris told me right at the start of our relationship. All of his lies. The way I grasped onto them and gave him everything in return.
I force a smile to make my words seem less serious. “Just for full transparency, I’m not looking for anything serious right now. I’m recently out of a relationship.”
His eyes open wide, but there’s a smile on his face. I look down to my lap for a second, feeling embarrassed. “What?” I ask since he’s still staring at me.
He finally snaps out of it and laughs. “Sorry, I just don’t think anyone has ever been upfront with me about that before. It’s refreshing.”
“You’re telling me,” I giggle.
