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“What point?” she asks, angry I’m yelling.
I soften my tone, looking into her eyes, pleading for to understand without me having to say it. “Thea…”
I see the exact moment she realizes what’s going on. She frantically searches my face like maybe it won’t be true. “Mr. Smith?” she asks, her voice barely a whisper.
I squeeze my eyes shut, unable to face her. “Fuck!” I shout, turning away from her. “This can’t fucking be happening,” I mumble, pulling on my hair in frustration. “Fuck.”
I open my mouth, trying to figure out what to say, but when I turn back around to face her, she gives me the coldest, blank stare. I can always tell what she’s feeling. Always. Except now. My chest tightens. She’s blocking me out.
“It didn’t happen,” she says, her words like ice through my veins.
“What?” I ask, stepping closer to her, trying to break back through.
She ever so slightly steps back, and if that doesn’t feel like a knife right through my heart. “It never happened,” she says again, raising her voice for emphasis.
I try to reach out to her, but she pulls away fully this time. “I’m going to the bathroom. You can go back out there and come up with some excuse of why you had to drag me in here to talk about this right at this exact moment, and I’ll meet you out there. We don’t ever have to mention any of this again.”
“Thea, I-”
“Just don’t.”
She side-steps me and yanks the door open, leaving me standing here all alone in the dark.Goddammit, what the fuck did I just do?
???
Thea
“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,” I whisper to myself, squeezing my eyes shut as I clutch onto the bathroom counter like that will somehow help.
I desperately search for the humor in this situation, but I can’t find it. I can’t find anything but shame. Embarrassment. Embarrassment at the hand of the one person that mattered the most. The one person I thought could never make me feel this way.
But there it is. There it is again. The pain, the shame of not being enough, of not being worth it.
I swat away the tears that begin to prick my eyes. “Hold yourself together, you fucking idiot.”
It’s fine. This is fine. It’s not that big of a deal.
But fuck!
Standing alone in his room with him while he was looking at me like that, damn. For a moment, just a moment, I thought he was having a different reaction. I thought… No, I don’t even want to think it.
I can’t allow myself to go there when it was the furthest thing from the truth. He didn’t want me. He was so fucking ashamed. Like being with me in that way was the worst thing he could imagine. The guilt was written all over his face. I was his regret.
I close my eyes one more time and breathe in until my lungs can’t fill anymore, and then I release everything. Every feeling. Every emotion. Every hurt.
“Fuck this.”
I pull my phone out of my back pocket and pull up John’s text thread.
Me:Thanks for coming out today. I had a really fun time.
I shove my phone back in my pocket and look at myself in the mirror once more. I floof up my hair before grabbing my tits and yanking them up in place. “You got this. You’re strong, you’re powerful, you’re sexy as fuck.”
I spin on my heel, powering out of the bathroom like I don’t have a care in the world. And I don’t. Fuck that! I can do or be whoever I want to be. My life, this is my story, and like fuck am I letting anyone else dictate how I write it.
Mack is standing in the kitchen, waiting for me. It makes me irrationally angry. “I thought I told you to go outside.”
He pushes off the counter, stepping closer to me. “Thea, we need to talk about this.”
