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“She’s not there,” he tells me. “My mum and Rose are out of town. My father told me earlier.”
“He’s a liar.”
“Not about this. You can go break in and see for yourself, but you’ll be disappointed. What are you going to do anyway? Sneak in and steal Rose away in the dead of night? You don’t know the first thing about raising a baby.”
“Whose fault is that?” I snap. All those precious firsts, the milestones, stolen away from me. I gasp at the pain.This is why you don’t think about her. It hurts too much.
“Odi, please, just…take some time. Come back to us when you’re ready. But don’t do anything rash. Not tonight.”
I sense rather than see Zie leave. I can’t bear to look at him. Or is it that he can’t bear to look at me? Whatever. I was a fool for thinking there could be anything between us. Biological dad or not, The General will always be between us.
And if I can’t have one of The Holy Trinity, I won’t allow myself to have any.
I look over at Zie’s house once more. It’s in darkness. Rose isn’t there. Even if she were, could I do it? Face my demons and step willingly overthatthreshold? I don’t have that kind of strength in me. Even for my daughter.
Zie’s right. I don’t know the first thing about raising a kid. I don’t have any money. No job, no home, no support network. What was I thinking? That I could just march up to the front door, knock and demand my baby back?
She’s barely even a baby anymore. Is she walking yet? Babbling? Does she call Mrs Montgomery, mama?
I crumble amongst the ruins of my life, sinking into the debris and losing myself. The sob which rips from my chest is animalistic, raw, agonised. I finally let the tears flow.
I cry for Rose. My mum. My home. For everything lost. For all the regrets. For the past and this hellish present. And I cry for the future I dared to hope was possible.
I cry forme.
Because the last few years have been indescribably, undeniably shit. I’ve been a goddamn warrior and now I’m just…done. I can’t do this. I can’t return to Black Hallows and live in their apartment. Can’t return to class. Can’t see my friends’ smiling faces next week and act like everything’s okay.
I can’t reclaim my daughter because I have nothing to offer her.
I’m lost. Useless. Less than nothing.
I don’t think the tears will ever stop now. It’s like I’ve finally unleashed something inside of me, a dam that was holding back all of the pain and trauma, and now the dam has burst and I’m drowning in everything I’ve bottled up and pushed to the side and refused to deal with.
The house is gone. It hits like a wall of glass, the realisation shattering my denial into a million beautiful deadly splinters, shimmering in the moonlight. Everything is gone. All of the memories. Experiences. All of myfirsts.Well, the good ones anyway.
Spasms wrack my body and a little of the poison of the last two years purges itself all over the ground. I spit and wipe my mouth, even though I think there could be more to come.
Where’s all of our things? Not the furniture and stuff, I don’t care about that. But the photos, my baby things, first school report…all the irreplaceable, priceless items that are worthless to anybody else.
A car approaching spurs me into action, and I get to my feet while wiping the tears from my face. I take off blindly, running past the rubble of my life and towards the happy woods we usedto play in as kids. What I wouldn’t give to go back there in time, not just in place.
I head deep into the thicket, able to find my way in the dark, even after all this time. I know these woods like the veins on the back of my hand, and I swear I could find our old hangout spots blindfolded. Years of training kicks in and I move through the woods on swift, silent feet, heading for safety, or at least the comfort of the known.
When I reach the clearing where we used to make our campfire, I collapse onto our old log seat. I remember the day Kaiden held me down and Axel branded me with the symbol of the holy trinity. It’s like the fucked up burn knows its home, and my skin begins to itch. Staring into the phantom flames of the past, memories and laughter ring through my mind. This is the spot where I was happiest, safest, most loved. It’s stupid, but I kind of dreamed it’s where I’d raise my children one day.
The thought of Rose growing up in these woods now makes my blood run cold. We were monsters with innocent faces, she’s an angel full of someone else’s scars. She doesn’t deserve to be fucked up the way we were.
“I thought I’d find you here.”
If that final thought made my blood cold, the unwelcome timbre of Axel’s arrival turns it to ice. Every muscle in my body tenses, that fight or flight mode preparing to kick in. I couldn’t even predict which route my body would take for me.
“Do you still have that gun on you?” My voice is colder than I’ve ever heard it, almost unrecognisable to my own ears.
“Yes.”
“Then stay the hell away from me,” I warn without turning to look at him.
“Odi, I understand you must hate me.” I cut him off with a scornful laugh. He doesn’t understand shit. He tries again. “It isn’t safe to be out here.”
