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I wakeup wrapped in his arms, Hudson’s soft breaths tickling my hair. My body has a delicious ache that only comes after a night of wild sex. The sound of his heart beating against my ear is calming and steady. An anchor in an otherwise turbulent world. The thought brings me back to his words from the night before.
How losing a parent feels like losing an anchor. I know that feeling in some ways because that’s what it felt like to lose him all those years ago. I was adrift, and from that storm and the subsequent trauma, I built myself into this version of myself the world sees.
A confident, successful woman, who dominates in a man’s world, but that wasn’t always me. When I was young, I wore my heart on my sleeve. I explored new things with excitement and the freedom only known by someone who’d never suffered heartbreak.
Our years in Italy and Europe, when my father practiced law before returning us to the US to chase his dream to become a judge, had been happy. I’d learned to dance, to ride a bike, trust my body and mind because I had no reason not to.
Then I’d met Hudson and my heart had been consumed by him. I loved him with everything I had. He saw me for me, and not my name or my bank balance. He loved unreservedly, or so I’d thought. But looking back, he was holding back, not trusting me, like I had him. What had I done to warrant that mistrust? Was it my fault he hadn’t confided in me?
“I can hear your brain whirring.”
I smile against his chest before dropping a kiss over his heart. His husky voice sends a warm tingle through my body and it would be so easy to use sex to avoid painful conversations, but I’m not some meek girl who buries her head in the sand. I’m Audrey motherfucking Kennedy, or rather Carmichael, and Iwillface this.
“I was thinking about what you said last night about my dad being my anchor.”
I feel his lips on my hair, his arm tightening around me. He doesn’t even realize it, but even now he’s doing that very thing.
“You’ll get through it.”
“I know.” And I will, as much as the thought of losing my father carves me up, I’ll survive it.
“The thing is, he isn’t my only anchor. You are, too. Whether it’s loving you, like I did when we were young, or hating you for the last ten years, you’ve always been there. A solid presence in my life.”
“And now?”
Hudson’s voice is gravel and silk as his chest rumbles beneath me.
“Now, I don’t know what you are, but you aren’t my enemy. What we have is so complex. It’s friendship and intimacy, a partnership in this crazy scheme.”
“I like that.”
I take a deep breath as the clock clicks over to show six am on the dial. “Hudson, I want to tell you everything if you’ll let me.”
His arm releases me, and I fear he’s going to walk away, unable to face all my baggage, but he doesn’t. He rolls to his side so he’s facing me and takes my hands in his, bringing them to his lips.
“You can tell me anything.”
“When you left, I was heartbroken. I couldn’t reach you on the phone, you stopped coming to school, and your dorm was cleared by the next day. I tried to stay positive but when my period was late, I was terrified and alone and angry and I still knew I’d forgive you anything if you just came back.”
“Fuck, Aud, I’m so sorry.”
“No. Let me get this out.”
His nod is all I get, and I know from the set of his shoulders that he’s finding this hard. “When I did the test, and it came back positive, I was scared but also so happy. I loved you and the thought of having a mini version of you in my life made me fall in love with my little bean.”
“Bean?”
“I figured it was that size.”
“Oh, okay.”
“So, I knew that no matter what happened, I was keeping our child. I wanted you to know, and I think a part of me thought it would bring you back to me. So, I got Ryker to hack your school records and he gave me the address.”
“That sneaky bastard.”
A huff of a laugh escapes me at his words and I know he’s trying to make this easier by lightening the mood. “I came looking and you were just getting out of a car outside your apartment. I was so happy to see you, and then you opened the door and unclipped a tiny baby from a baby seat. I watched you lift her into your arms like she was the most precious thing in the world. I knew immediately that you loved her, that she was the reason you left. Then your mom got out, but I only saw the back of her and she sure as hell didn’t look like my mom. I saw you wrap her in your arms and kiss her head. And I thought you’d cheated. That you’d hidden this entire other family from me.”
“I’d never do that to you, Audrey.”
