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I close my eyes and push out a breath through my nose. “What were you thinking?”
“I thought she’d enjoy it.”
“No, Audrey, you didn’t think. You just did what you wanted like you always do.”
“That’s not fair. That child needs a life. She needs to spread her wings and learn that the world around her isn’t this terrifying place you seem to think it is.”
I begin to pace, feeling anger rippling up my spine. “Are you fucking kidding me right now?” I point at Tia’s room. “She’s in that bed with a fucking broken arm because the world is exactly as bad as I say it is. The whole world is talking about her like she isn’t human. Like she’s a juicy story for them.”
“I know and I’m very sorry, but not everyone is like that.”
“And not every person is a serial killer, but you wouldn’t walk through the park at night on your own, would you?”
She’s silent and I think my point is landing.
“You’re trying to protect her but you’re going to harm her if you don’t loosen your grip, Hudson.”
“Don’t tell me how to raise my sister. I’ve been with her every single day, and you have no idea what you’re talking about. You waltz into her life and think you have a say, and you don’t.”
I hear the sharply indrawn breath and hate myself for hurting her. “Look, Audrey. I don’t mean to be a dick, but the truth is, we took this fake marriage shit too far. We, or perhaps I, got lost in the dream that it could be real, but it can’t. You’ll leave and I have to pick up the pieces. I think it best if we go back to just friends.”
“Friends! You want to forget everything and be friends? We were never friends, Hudson, so how the hell can we go back to something that never existed?”
“Roommates then. I can’t keep doing this with you when I get nothing back. You’re one foot out the door all the time. You always have been.”
“Excuse me, it was you who ghosted me.”
I pin her with a look, which must betray my exhaustion. “And you’re never going to forgive me for it.”
“I already forgave you.” Her lip wobbles but she seems to pull a shield of strength around herself. I can see her walls going up around her heart.
“No, you didn’t, or you would’ve trusted what we had and admitted you loved me, too. Instead, you made excuses and kept me at arm’s length.”
“Trust goes both ways, Hudson. You want me but you don’t trust me either or you wouldn’t be blaming me for what happened to Tia.”
“I’m not blaming you, Audrey.”
“Yes, you are and you’re right. I’m no good at this. Maybe it’s just as well I can’t have kids. I’d be a shit mother.”
“You’d be an excellent mother but to do it, you have to be open to getting hurt. Even now you can’t say it, can you?”
Audrey clamps her lips shut and I sigh, my head hanging to my chin. “Just go home, Audrey. We can talk tomorrow when I’m less of a mess over Tia.”
A hiccup slips from her lips but as I reach for her, my ability to hold her at arm’s length when she’s hurting vanishing, she runs away.
“Audrey.”
Her hair billows out behind her as she runs and I let her go, because what can I say? We might love each other but it wasn’t enough the first time, and it isn’t enough this time either.
25Audrey
I shovemy basics into a bag as tears fall angrily down my cheeks. Guilt over what happened to Tia is like a knife in my chest. The way she cried for Hudson, the pain etched on her gorgeous face, and my utter despair that this was all my fault.
I knew Hudson would be angry, but I never anticipated he’d react with such coldness. I’d wanted so badly for him to wrap me in his arms and hold me and tell me it would be okay. When he’d walked into the hospital room and barely looked at me, my heart had sunk, and nausea had swirled in my belly with dread.
I take one more look around the room we’ve shared and a sob erupts like lava of emotion. He’d made me believe that he’d always be there for me, he’d made me think I could trust him. Yet the first sign of trouble, and he’d walked away, just like last time.
Grabbing the t-shirt he wore yesterday from the hamper, I toss it in my bag like some junkie needing one last fix, and I walk out of the room, out of his home, leaving my key on the table by the door.
