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“So did I,” Harrison defends himself.
Norrie kisses his cheek. “I know, babe, but you didn’t do it looking after a sick mother and a newborn with multiple health issues.”
My friends know everything about that now and about my fertility issues and miscarriage. It’s cathartic to have no secrets.
“What are you saying, Norrie?” I ask as I try and make my eyes decide which one of the two of her is speaking.
“That you need to talk and be honest with each other about what you feel and what you need, and do it when tempers aren’t frayed or emotions are overwrought.”
“Fine, I’ll speak to him tomorrow.”
Eventually, my friends leave, and I fall into bed. Knowing tomorrow is going to be hard, I drink three glasses of water and take some Tylenol before I go to bed. Today has been rough, maybe tomorrow will be better.
A week has passedsince I last spoke to Hudson, and my heart is breaking in two. I miss every part of him and the life we were building, my limbs ache from not being able to touch him. Yet I still can’t make myself answer his calls. I know I’m a coward, that I should speak to him, but all I’ll allow myself is to read his daily updates on Tia.
God, I miss that child. She became ingrained in my heart so quickly, and now there isn’t only one but two gaping holes where she and Hudson have permanent homes. I’ve buried myself in purchasing Redman Media and spending every moment I can with my parents. I still haven’t told them about Hudson and me, as my father seems to grow frailer with each day I spend with him.
I tell them Hudson is with Tia and they understand but I see the way my mom watches me carefully as if I might splinter at any moment and it breaks my heart that I’m adding to her worries.
I keep telling myself every day that tomorrow will be better, that I survived losing him before and I will again, but this is different. I told him he was my anchor, and he let me go. No, he pushed me away. I might never have told him I loved him, but he knew. No, this is for the best. He was right about one thing. We got carried away and this is the right thing for us both. A clean break.
I’m getting ready to go over to my parent’s house when I get a call.
“Hey, Mom, I was just about to head over. Do you need me to bring anything?”
My gut bottoms out at her next words.
“Audrey, you need to come to the hospital straight away. It’s your dad. It’s time.”
No!
I’m not ready, I’ll never be ready, and the only person I want to hold me as the phone slips from my hand isn’t here—again.
26Hudson
“When is Audrey coming home?”
Tia asks for the hundredth time today, her voice has the whiny tone that only children can achieve, and it grates on my heartstrings. “I’m not sure.”
The truth is, I’m starting to think she won’t.
When I lost my temper and reacted by pushing her away instead of holding her closer, I made the second biggest mistake of my life. The first was letting her go in the first place. Before she’d even left the hospital, I knew I’d made a horrible mistake in letting my own fears and anxiety control my emotions. I said things out of fear and guilt for leaving them alone to get ambushed by that reporter. I should’ve been here instead of trying to save some woman I barely knew.
“I miss her.”
Tia’s lip wobbles and I hug her close. “Me too, munchkin.”
“Then why isn’t she here? She promised she’d help me be a star.”
Tia has told me all about her school production and how her teacher wants her to play the lead. My instinctive reaction was to say no, but Audrey was right. I need to let my sister breathe and grow if she’s to have the life she deserves.
I’d gone online as I sat beside Tia’s bedside and watched her sleep and the positivity towards Tia and the support for her had been overwhelming. Thousands of people had headed to social media to berate the newspaper who’d leaked the pictures and the subsequent bullshit stories.
So many people with Downs themselves were telling their own stories and it had made me see what Audrey was saying all along. Tia isn’t a secret to be hidden, she’s a beautiful, wonderful child who should be celebrated. I thought I was protecting her, but I was, in fact, harming her. She’s now signed up for the school play and additional dance classes. The fear will always be there and the need to protect her will never leave but that’s okay too.
“I can help you be a star.”
Tia’s lip pushes into a pout. “It’s not the same.”
