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“Home. What a concept.” Smith said it without sounding irritated. Rather, he seemed mystified. He bowed his head toward the corner, where Anna now saw Luka was fast asleep, his belly stretched out.
Anna smiled. She loved how much Smith loved his dog.
“So. How is it?” Smith asked, bowing his head toward Adam.
“Oh.” Anna furrowed her brow. She recognized that Smith didn’t want a boxed answer, like so many other people. Ordinarily, she was supposed to say, “It’s the most magical experience of my life” or “It’s so rewarding!”
But instead, she said, “It’s true that I’ve never known a love like this. But it’s also true that I’ve never felt like more of a failure.”
Smith eyed her warily.
“Maybe it’s embarrassing to explain.”
“Nothing embarrasses me,” Smith said. Anna believed him.
“I really wanted to breastfeed him,” Anna offered. There was a jump in her voice. “But he finds it difficult to latch on, and my milk production is down. I pump and pump and pump, and it’s never enough.” Anna closed her eyes. She’d never said any of this aloud. “Dean’s mom won’t stop pestering me about it either. It’s like she’s always right there, reminding me that I’m not treating her son’s baby well enough.”
“Dean?”
“My fiancé,” Anna said, her eyes still closed. “He died.”
Smith gave no indication of whether he knew this or not.
“Anna,” Smith began instead. “Your body has already been through one of the most traumatic events in your lifetime.”
Anna frowned as he leaned across the table.
“You brought a baby into the world,” Smith continued. “You were in so much pain. You need to have compassion for your body. You need to remember what it’s done for you.”
Anna blinked back tears. She’d never anticipated this. She took a big swig of beer and touched her lower belly, which remained deflated and strange after the birth of Adam. She’d often wondered, selfishly, if her body would ever return to its pre-pregnancy form.
And now, Smith was telling her not to demand that of her body.
“Listen,” Smith began, “I hate to make this about me. But just as an example, there was this one time that I was in a major car accident. I broke both of my legs.”
Anna flinched. “My goodness.”
Smith waved his hands. “I was so frustrated with myself. I couldn’t walk. I could hardly get around at all. And I’d hurt my wrist, too, which meant it was difficult to operate the crutches. I was totally lost. And then, the minute I had a bit more strength in my legs and arm, I pushed myself too hard and, you guessed it, broke something again.”
“No!”
Smith nodded and crossed his arms. Anna wondered if this story would go in his memoir. More than that, she wondered if he was telling the full truth. Had it really been a car accident? Had his mother been drunk and crashed with him inside?
“I had to have patience,” Smith said. “It was a tough lesson to learn. But I’m so grateful I did. Around that time, I forced myself to sit down and write about what was happening. And, obviously, that changed my life.” Smith gestured back toward The Copperfield House as though its mighty structure was proof enough of how far he’d come.
Before Anna could think of something else to say, Adam opened his tiny red mouth and wailed. Anna burst to her feet to tend to him. But just like that afternoon, someone else beat her to it. In a flash, Smith had the baby in his arms. He cradled Adam as though he’d cradled hundreds of babies, as though he’d helped them drift off to sleep, as though he knew exactly what was on their minds.
“Wow,” Anna breathed as Adam’s cries quieted. “Are you a baby whisperer?”
Smith laughed, but the look in his eyes gave her pause. There was tremendous pain there. Had Smith had a baby with someone? Had tragedy struck?
Anna couldn’t stop herself from asking, “There’s so much I still don’t know about you. But I have the feeling you know so much about me.”
With Adam fast asleep again, Smith bent to place him gently in his carrier. Remaining in a squat, he peered up at her, unsmiling. “I don’t know anything about you, Anna. But I’d like to. If you’ll let me.”
Anna bit her lower lip as her heart pounded. This felt more intimate than kissing.
“How do you know so much about babies?” Anna asked.
