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“Well, that didn’t work out for you, unfortunately,” he says. “Cuz I think I know who you were avoiding and you’re in his group therapy sesh.”
“You did that on purpose.” I point my finger in accusation.
He wears a face of absolute innocence, which is how I know I’m right.
“I’d never.” He crisscrosses his finger over his heart.
“Which room are we in?” I ask, rolling my eyes, but on the inside butterflies start a migration to South America. George gives me the room number and I trudge down the hall.
Jesse is the first person I see when I walk in the room. The chairs are set up in a circle like every support group I’ve seen in movies. Brooke, who’s sitting beside him, waves me over when she sees me and gets up.
“You can sit here,” she says.
“That’s OK,” I say quickly. But she’s already up, sliding into the spot next to Trey. I search for another chair, but I’d have to pull one down from the stack and then wedge it in between other people and it would become terribly obvious that I don’t want to sit next to Jesse and then I’d have to explain why because Brooke would undoubtedly ask and then what would I say?
That Jesse and I did the one thing the study specifically asked usnotto do and got caught and when we were given the chance to choose between the study or each other I chose him and he chose the study, which was the mortifying icing on top of the cake of embarrassment that is my life, but when he tried to make it better I sent him away, to be alone again.
Except as I lower myself into the plastic chair that ergonomics forgot, he moves his knee to give me more space, and the reality of sitting next to him isn’t even half as horrible and exactly as familiar as I thought it would be. There are no flashbacks to his rejection, but when his hand grips his thigh, the one that I know has a scar down the middle, there are other flashbacks.
The way he touched me, held me, tasted.
“Hi,” I say to him.
“Hi,” he says after a moment. He looks surprised.
Even now, either I’m on hallucinogens or there’schemistrybetween us. Sometimes he feels magnetized, like I am drawn to wherever he is in the room, a compass, a lodestone. Or maybe it’s less scientific than that. Maybe he’s just the person in this room that knows me better than anyone else. That even after he hurt me, he’s still my friend. My best friend.
“I know you said,” he whispers in a rush. “Not to talk to you anymore but... Can I please talk to you?” he asks. “After?”
“I didn’t get the job,” I say. “In Lancaster.”
His face falls. “Oh.” Jesse scratches the back of his neck. “I’m...sorry?” He seems to register how entirely lackluster he sounds and physically shakes himself. “I mean it. That sucks. They would have been lucky to have you. Or have you back. Or whatever.”
“It’s not a bad thing—”
“Welcome, everyone, to our last group session,” Leigh says, walking into the room with an extra-large afternoon coffee and a big smile.
“I’ll tell you after,” I whisper and he nods.
Leigh covers some admin stuff, like how we’ll all have to go back to the med school to have our blood pressure and blood tests done again. I don’t hear much of what she says; my body is primed like a tuning fork next to Jesse but now the tune is off. Am I letting him off the hook? Being too nice? He hurt me. I’m still hurt. We haven’t spoken in days and I just roll over and show him my belly like one of the dogs on our first friend date?
This is the constant turmoil of being me. I question everything, which is silly. I know what I want.
“Does anyone have anything to share this week?” Leigh asks.
“I do,” I say before I’ve even fully registered what I’m about to do.
She nods and I stand. Do we stand in group sessions when it’s our turn to speak? Now I can’t remember. Suddenly, every memory of a person speaking in group and whether or not they were seated or standing leaves my Swiss cheese brain. I might as well commit to the bit. I stay standing.
“As a lot of you know, I recently moved back here to work at the university. I didn’t really know anyone and I was having trouble making friends, which is why I joined this study. Duh.”
Someone gives a mandatory laugh, which is generous.
My throat gets tight because I suddenly feel like crying and I am about to admit something very embarrassing.
“I had no friends, really. I had broken up with a boyfriend who was frankly cruel, and my best friend who was unfortunately even crueler, and came back here and I thought I’d be able to find kinship with the people I worked with, again, at the very least. I mean, we spend so much time with those people, it should be easy. But they didn’t trust me for valid reasons and I ended up feeling really alone for a lot of the time. I... I spent so much time trying to fit myself into whatever mold I thought other people needed from me and I kept failing at it and it was exhausting. And then I fell out of a tree and...but I won’t get into that...” I take a deep breath.
Someone wraps their hand around my fist, clenched at my side. I look down at Jesse and give him a subtle shake of my head. I need to do this myself. He pulls his hand away, sitting on it.
