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Siena
Two suitcases, A cardboard box, three trash bags, and a laundry basket. That was all it took to pack up everything important to me.
“Text me when you get there,” I heard Nev say from behind me. I turned around, her eyes shimmering with tears threatening to spill over.
“I will,” I promised her, taking the pillow she was still clutching. “Iwillbe back. I’m just going to go to my grandparents for a little while. It’s not going to be forever.”
Nev sniffled, tucking her hair behind her ears. “I know.” She pulled her sweatshirt closer to her body, crossed her arms over herself, and shivered at the crisp morning air. It was still dark outside, the sun trying to fight against the darkness. My eyes scanned the tall structure behind her, the glow from her apartment window the only light illuminated above us.
I wanted to get on the road and start the long journey, knowing the drive along the coast would take me hours longer. But I knew the scenery would help clear my head. To clear my mind of the disaster my life had become in San Francisco. So, as much as I wanted to get to Grams and Pops, I wanted to get there with some semblance of the old me, the one whose life hadn’t collapsed around her. With a tight hug, I let Nev go and watched as the city I loved faded into the background, trying not to cry as I drove away.
If anyone had told me ten years ago that I would move back in with my grandparents at the age of twenty-six, I’d have laughed in their face. Moving back to my childhood home after leaving a city, an apartment, a job, and the man I was in love with—correction, thought I was in love with—seemed crazy. Not only crazy, but stupid too. Who in their right mind would leave all that behind?
That would be me, Siena Giuliana Moretti. The jury is still out on the level of crazy and stupid.
I was rolling down Highway 101, windows down, music blasting, and the heat on, providing warmth against the cool air blowing off the ocean. Five hours into my drive, I pulled my long brown hair into a bun on top of my head while I danced to the song on the radio, turning the volume up, feeling the drums pound through the bass of my speakers.
Then a love song came on.
And while it was tempting to turn the station, I didn’t. I swiped at the few tears that fell, and with an angry huff, I pulled off on the side of the road, stifled the music, shifted into park, and cut the engine. I was all alone on the side of the 101. All alone.
“FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!” I screamed at the top of my lungs, slamming my fists against the steering wheel, gripping the wheel till my knuckles turned white. “Why me?” I cried, letting the tears flow freely.
The tears came fast and hard as I cried uncontrollably, my body spasming from the onslaught of emotion. I hadn’t cried in four days. And I wouldn’t even call what I did real crying. It was more like a tear here and there. But somehow, driving down the 101 on a beautiful morning, wind in my face and the ocean in view, mind free to think as I made my way down the highway, and a ballad playing on the radio, I couldn’t hold back the tears. I was feeling sorry for myself. Who wouldn’t be feeling the same way if they were in my shoes?
Relationship: Broken.
Career: Standstill.
Heart: Shattered.
My thoughts jumped to San Francisco and the fiasco that my life had become. I quit my job as a chef and waited on pins and needles, hoping for a call back from a restaurant.Anyrestaurant. I had sent my resume to several places before I got this wild hair up my ass and decided to go back home. At the time, I’d been living on Nev’s couch for almost two weeks, feeling like a complete and total loser. She was working and living her own life, while my ass had melted down and become an official part of her sofa. Even though she swore up and down on our friendship that I could stay as long as I needed, and even though she swore on her favorite Gucci bag that I wasn’t a burden, I had to get out of San Francisco.
I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, feeling suffocated and trapped, crushed by concrete buildings and memories of my ex, Tim, the lying sack. I did the only thing that felt natural to me. I called my grandparents and asked if I could come home.
I’d promised Nev I’d be back, even showing herproofwith my stack of resumes and sent emails. I knew I couldn’t leave San Francisco behind for long. I had everything I had ever dreamed of in that city. Well, before Tim went and took a giant shit all over it.
I knew I shouldn’t dwell on things, but I was in a deep, dark fucking hole, trying to climb my way back out. Something would turn up. It was just a question ofwhen?
One more minute, Siena,I told myself. One more minute, then I’d get back on the road.
I lifted my head and wiped my face. The crying jag had drained me, and the pounding behind my eyes promised a mother of a headache. I popped an emergency aspirin and thought of the one thing that might help right now. “Coffee,” I told myself, rubbing my temples.
* * *
Fresh latteand a warmed blueberry scone in hand, I leaned against my car, looked at the ocean, and inhaled a deep cleansing breath. The waves crashed, and the birds soared overhead. At that moment, I wished I were flying with them. Not a care in the world. No shitstorm to clean up, no worrying about the past or the future. Just flying free, enjoying the moment.
I tried to clear my head and focus on the present. Some things were constants in life. For me, that was family and friends—cooking, coffee, and California. I could never go a day without them. Even though it broke me to leave San Francisco, I was surprised by how many things I could give up. One thing was for sure though, I could nevernothave my California scenery. Whether it was the beaches of San Diego or the bays of San Francisco, being near water was amust. Even if I never had an oceanfront view, having the ocean within driving distance always brought me peace of mind.
I fished out my cell to call my grandparents, another constant I was ever so grateful for.
“Hi, hon,” my grandmother sang as she answered my call.
“Hey, Grams.” I kept my gaze on the ocean waves.
“How’s the drive going?”
“Fine so far. Just stopped for a caffeine fix.”
